707,481 posts

Man in the Arena

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June 16, 2016
13 upvotes

First and foremost a bit of inspiration before puking all over the manosphere:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt

Print that out. 3 times. Hang it in the bathroom. Hang it in your office. Tattoo it on your dick. A daily reminder to get in the arena and man the fuck up.

------------- Insert Puke Here -------------

Almost 40 and I've been married 15+ years. Kids. Have struggled keeping a healthy sex life for all 15 years. Wife admits it. I admit it. Something has to change.

Needless to say, when i dropped in on TRP i immediately thought "it's too go to be true". Skeptical, but at the end of my rope, I started reading MMSLP in January. so thankful to have found MRP because it took to much effort applying principles of TRP to the married mans life.

I found that generally I've owned my shit. Certainly some alpha. Certainly some beta.

I'm in shape but don't lift. I'm stronger than most guys who aren't lifting, but not over weight. I did stop eating sugar and processed foods and lost a few pounds. At some point wifey jumped on the diet train and has lost 25 pounds with another 25 to go (not sure what motivated her to start dieting again).

Career is always on the up and up. I'm a successful guy in corporate America well into the low six figure income. Bored a few years back got into some online business and had quite a bit of side income coming in as well. I've always owned the family finances and keep a healthy budget in check.

Kids are well behaved - generally speaking. Lots of parents tell us that our kids are well behaved.

Wifey stays at home with the kids but has a passion which i support and help when/where i can.

Around the house I handle business. I fix shit all the time. I fix the cars, i fix the kids toys, i do random home improvement fixes for the wife.

Places that I noticed are lacking are in the leading department. Since finding the redpill I've tried to drop the "i don't cares" and make a decision. If the kids want to do something, i say yes or no. no more, "ask your mom".

A few months back, wifey asked me to go to a conference with her. sure! no kids, just wifey, i'm in. took off work, made the airfare, hotel and car rental arrangements. She packed up and when she wasn't looking I dropped in some of my favorite panties for her to wear and some massage oil. Long story short, the whole week was jam packed and ended up with no sexy panties, no massages, and one 5 minute sexy time right before we passed out before our 4 am flight. I was butt hurt. no questions about it. I didn't tell/show it though. I had read to much. Never mentioned another word about the trip or anything that happened or did not happen. Used this as fuel to keep improving.

At night instead of sitting with the wife, watching the news or generally wasting time I would clean up or fix stuff. read NMMNG and working on WISNIFG.

We had sex 2-3 weeks ago. Right afterwards I'm extra cuddly and touchy feely which she clearly notices and mentions. "see you're much more touch feely after sex" I didn't respond. I initiated sex the next 3-4 days and slowly stopped cuddles and touches. Then shark week.

During shark week i woke up one morning and said "i'm going to work out". she literally said "what just happened. you haven't worked out in 20 years." Be home an hour late and out the door. No resistance, just curiosity.

So its been 2+ weeks since we've had sex. Yesterday, she calls me at work tells me that she's taken a shower and the hour is near. I know what that means so i'm stoked. Get home and she has a skirt on for the first time in forever. I complement the skirt hoping for sexy panties...strike 1.

Get the kids situated and jump in the sac after 10 which i already know is a problem. DGAF and initiate. She says "are you trying to make it with me". "Yup. (strike 2. i haven't touched your body in 3 weeks and you going to ask me this?)" She says "make it quick it's getting late". STEEEEEEERIKE 3! Basically i took this as, Stop rubbing my tits and take my panties off and get this over with, it's after 10 and i'm tired. Slowly stopped the kino. she says "hey...i thought we were makin' it. you don't want to get up and get the stuff?" STFU waited a few minutes...watching tv. then rolled over and went to sleep. This morning...business as usual. So many things running through my mind.

What's the right play: Cave man? Which honestly I'm not quite sure how this goes. basically pump and dump and leave her needs by the way side? Starfish? Think i read enough on that yesterday to know that is a bad idea. * Conversation? Only thing I planned to say if it came up last night or this morning was "You clearly needed your sleep". I opted for STFU.

You can probably see the dysfunction - sadly I cannot. Help a brother in the arena.


Post Information
Title Man in the Arena
Author juggle4balls
Upvotes 13
Comments 18
Date 16 June 2016 05:30 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207379
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4oeja2/man_in_the_arena/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGalphabetakinopump and dumpliftthe red pillmanosphereNMMNG
Comments

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

I can't provide the link as the computer I'm on blocks my blog (fucking stupid) but if you go to TheFamilyAlpha.com and look up being Unpredictable, creating your slut, and 10 ways to keep your wife on your toes you should have some stuff to work with.

Also, I'd advise you to read Get over your relationship PTSD as you need to recognize how it was has nothing to do with how it could be. As long as you're dwelling on the past you'll never immerse yourself in the now.

[–]juggle4balls[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Your posts are solid gold friend, thanks. Read a bunch of your stuff last week and starting fucking with my wife again. Stupid shit when we're in the kitchen together...stuff she says she hates, but then a month from now asks why i don't do that anymore.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Watch their actions, not their words.

When it isn't fun and you both aren't smiling and laughing, that's when you have a problem.

[–]CountpudyoolaMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Less talk.

My wife was wearing a dress night before last. Kid's getting ready for bed and as we're sitting on the couch I just start naturally playing with the legs.

After some point she says "I guess you're going to want to be getting upstairs pretty quick." and instead of saying anything direct I just chuckled. As soon as the kid was in bed we went up.

So yeah, no compliments. Just notice. The difference between a guy wanting you and a leer is THEIR feeling about the guy. Stare, touch, kino... no talky.

I also think the no-talk evokes more of a primal basic element to it. You're too focused to talk about it.

It's like how during the 10 second kiss something unwinds in them... the stare, touch, handgrab and lead also unwinds something feminine in them.

As for what ended up happening... sometimes punting is better than just a weak show when you let yourself get mentally derailed. Also depends on how horny I am if I can plough through or just lose interest.

Take a breather , relax , and try again tonight or tomorrow.

[–]juggle4balls[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

WRT the compliment, i'm trying to pull off some of the thick ass armor wifey has on from the weight loss. Before she lost the 25lbs she was wearing these tank tops under her tshirts to help shape her body. they became her security blanket. As she's lost the weight, i've had made a conscious effort to tell her i've noticed the changes and that she is safe with me and she doesn't need the security blanket any longer. The skirt was only the second comment i've made with respect to tearing off the armor. In other words I'm not nagging her. I would much rather see a skirt than more of those God forsaken yoga pants with a tank top thing covering all the good parts.

[–]CountpudyoolaMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ha, I love yoga pants! Well at least on girls who can pull them off. Plus I'm an ass man so...

she is safe with me and she doesn't need the security blanket any longer

That's good if she's looking good. But too much and it'll go from diminishing returns to negative returns. And beyond the normal "safety" you don't want that sliding into "complacent".

Or another way: A compliment is a good thing.

Continual verbal reassurance to tease out comfort...maybe could backfire.

Anyway, these are tiny finer points. You sound like you're moving along at a good pace.

The rest of my ramble is just directed to everyone...

I think there's a dance here going on. Women for better or for worse are going to set their own security.

Ever felt like you could tell your wife ad-nauseum how she isn't <insert some negative thing she thinks about herself here> and she kind of just absorbs it without it affecting that viewpoint? Or you end up having to say it more?

Or on the contrary there is nothing a guy can say to a 10 to make her think she isn't a 10 unless he's a alpha god and she's got daddy issues.

It's where the show you are attracted vs. telling has more a lot more traction. For every 100 things you say about liking the skirt it might make an inch of progress up to a point where it'll have nil effect. However, if you get turned on or tuned in every time she has one on then she'll believe your actions.

Then it also becomes a good signal for party time.

My wife never wears things that show a lot of leg. When she did on rare occasion, I take it as a big old invitation. And a few times in the past , when I'd seen her wearing them I'll just go "Mmmm mmm, I love skirts".

Anyways...

There's a reason "Acta Non Verba" is part of the icon on the main mrp board.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Wife has recently lost weight. I missed that.

Are you sure she isn't getting her sexual needs met elsewhere bro?

[–]juggle4balls[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So in the past, i never would have considered this question.

However, given the reading around these parts, i've done my due diligence. I am confident this is currently not an issue.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

basically pump and dump and leave her needs by the way side?

YES!!! That is what she was SCREAMING AT YOU TO DO AND YOU CLUELESS OAF DID NOT GIVE YOUR WIFE WHAT SHE WANTED AND NEEDED. She doesn't want to cuddle with a little boy. She wants to be fucked deep and hard by a rugged man.

The much more serious and immediate problem is that in response to a bit of Dread from you, she does NOT become more sexual. Instead, she starts implementing "The Rules' (google it- this is a book on female sexual strategy that advises mind games, aloof game, and emotional manipulation). This could be a serious structural and even irreconcilable problem. When a woman responds to withdrawal of affection by becoming LESS affectionate and MORE distant it is often...not good.

The whole vacation avoidance sex is something I know a lot about. They will do this when you are not attractive. Physician heal thyself. Attraction is not just lifting weights. It is also a cool and FUN attitude where you bring the good times.

I know we focus on providing negative consequences (Dread, withdrawing affection etc) for sexual denials but it can't be ALL negative. It can't be 'mostly' negative. MOST of the time you should be bringing the good times and shaking off the denials with OI.

Try viewing your wife as your seduction victim and treating her that way. For example, when she shit tested you before sex THAT is female foreplay. Don't ask me why, it just is. Instead of smiling and understanding- instead of "Getting It" and then taking it...you got butthurt. This was a great opportunity to pass a shit test but you failed.

Keep working. At some point you will get to Level 1 and when you do, I would expect rapid improvement in your marriage.

[–]juggle4balls[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Strategically ramping up dread is an art. I have intentionally stepped it up in microsteps as to not set off alarm bells. This weekend however, i got insight into just how effective it as been.

She violated a long standing rule in the house that she asks me before any large decisions are made. She failed to do that on Friday. I called her on it, on the phone from work. An hour later a heart felt text saying she was sorry and asking for forgiveness. An hour later i responded with "K". When she got home, she came directly to me, stopped everything and said she was sorry again. "I wanted to make sure you weren't going to leave me" I stood there like....uhhh....whoa....wtf just happened. In my head I'm saying, In what world would I leave you for something like this? I hugged her and said the conversation is over, that i had responded to her text. She was clearly not happy with "K" and I moved on with business.

The next day, I was walking through the kitchen and said I needed to stop working out with my ring on because its giving me a giant callous. She said that was not a good idea, because all the ladies would move in. STFU and kept on doing my business - the seed had been planted.

In light of incident one, sex returned the next morning (which is generally forbidden). Afterwards, she says that she needs to get over her preconceived notions about sex in the morning and a shower before sex. I'm like, uhhh yah. She also states that she hates it when we go long stints without sex. Doesn't like when I stop touching her, etc. She gets/feels the dread. The root of my problems lie in this tangled web of shit - which like you said is a real structural problem. I'm frantically looking for tools to clear out the cob webs. The problem is she thinks it's her choice when we have sex. I realize I've got to have sex on my terms and make her want (be attracted to me) to make her want sex too.

As all things go, the 3 week dry spell is over. Sex will return for a while before we slip back into this quagmire. The goal is to head that bitch off at the pass and change the course of the next cycle.

For example, when she shit tested you before sex THAT is female foreplay.

That's some messed up foreplay. Feels like the polar opposite. I guess looking back, had my frame been "this is for me, let's do this my way or the highway" I could have totally changed the overall feel of the mood in that instant.

At some point you will get to Level 1

What do you mean Level 1? Level 1 in the TRP game or Level 1 in the dread game or what?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Level 1 Dread is learning to respond to her Shit Tests appropriately. It is the first thing you need to do.

Read up on Shit Tests.

I also have a couple podcasts on the topic: Available [Here]

(https://bluepillprofessor.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/hello-world/)

That's some messed up foreplay.

AWALT. Seriously! AWALT. This is how women operate. Learn it- or suffer.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you're on the journey if you're already resizing your errors. As to sex, stop using the formula of dinner, clean-up, ready for bed, in bed, sex, her orgasm, your orgasm, sleep While you're climbing the mountain, foreplay starts in the morning and extends all day. No one is waiting until the last moment of the day to have sex. Grab a few strokes early in the evening. Leave her horny and wanting for a change.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Do you know what I tattoed on my dick?---> WENDY

WElcome to jamaica, have a Nice DaY

shall now read your post


ok read the rest.

Off the top of my head, you seem to be expecting things to start changing when you haven't even starting working on yourself yet.

More than that, you probably expect that once you fix you, she will jump your bones without you having to initiate, kino her, etc.

In essence, you want a formula for this when all we have is - be exciting, and she will likely get excited.

So, specifically :

"are you trying to make it with me"

Who me? Nooooooo... as you are sliding her panties off and gently tracing her body in whatever way you like...

"make it quick it's getting late"

--- "You late for your corner?" grin

( note, probably shouldn't call your wife a whore, but, you know, if you got the frame for it, you got the game for it. )

"hey...i thought we were makin' it?"

       well since you failed every other LMR before this, I don't even know... but at this point  "Nah, this isn't working for me" is probably appropriate  

[–]juggle4balls[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Life is a giant experiment. The last 15 years has been filled with them specifically related to figuring out how to fix this sex problem.

TRP has given me another list of experiments to run. I've certainly worked on myself over the last few months. Changes have been intentionally slow as to not cause alarm. but the facts are undeniable - she knows something is different. she doesn't know why, but when you change habits you've had for 5, 10, 20 years she notices. What is cool about TRP is these changes are good life choices - for you. Why wouldn't you want to be a better man? But with that said, if nothing changes with respect to sex after 6 months, 1 year, 2 years...at some point it makes you evaluate if all these changes are worth the extra work without the payoff you're expecting.

For me, I wouldn't say i unplugged in Jan. I would say i unplugged last week when i started working out (in other words i've just really started this journey). I would have never done what i did last night a year ago. Now i'm just not willing to settle for this shit. I'm tired of not being the prize.

Being exciting...its so tough to hammer all this shit out in words...but let me say this... our family is one of the more exciting families in our circle. we set the trends. people come along and join our interests. A guy friend at dinner last month told me "how do you do it? How do you manage to do all the stuff you tell me about and still have a family and a job?".

It's almost like I've got 70% of this red pill shit figured out, but its this last 30% i can't put my finger on that will unlock the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. honestly it's why i started working out. I was like, so much of this other shit is in place, but that very first thing isn't. surely that's not it (being 6' and 155lbs), but there is only one way to find out.

Definitely not calling the wifey a whore...but get your point. I'm hoping that the WISNIFG will help me with responses that are blunt about what i want/feel. Right now I no doubt passively or manipulatively throw shit out when something like this happens. STFU has definitely helped a ton, but that only works for so long.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Remember this - how ever cool or X citing or anything else you have been - she is used to it. Maybe someone else would get all moist for that stuff but for her - it's just more of YOU doing what's always been there.

In fact - it's not you doing it. It's her and you ... And in her eyes that means it's her creating this dynamic ( our money- if you are the sole breadwinner).

It's a tough mindset to break even if she was willing

[–]juggle4balls[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

thanks for that swift kick in the balls. Uhg. Knowing is half the battle.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that is kind of funny given your user name