College girl with strong more values worried about dating

teaandtalk · 2017-04-17T06:00:40+00:00

I need to know whether dating is even right for me. My friends are very promiscuous (about 8-14 sex partners by 19/20) and tell me I am missing the best years of my life. I am still adamant I should save myself for a guy I trust. But is this too outdated? Are my morals only going to hinder me?

This seems to be the crux of your post, and I want to be really clear that NO: this is NOT too outdated. The right man will understand that you want to wait for the time and situation to be right to have sex for the first time. You're not missing the best years of your life by not being promiscuous.

Virginity is not something you need to "get over", it's very reasonable and very admirable to keep it as something special between you and your committed partner. It sounds like you might need new friends, to be honest, if they're encouraging that sort of behaviour.

Go on your dates, stick to your morals, and good luck. You're not missing out on anything.

BellaScarletta · 2017-04-17T06:05:58+00:00

It sounds to me like you have a great foundation for being a quality woman and partner, but you're just going nuclear with your attitude and your approach to dating. Try taking a step back and separating yourself a bit from the situation.

However, I have very strong morals that I have NEVER gone against.

Okay, such as what? No sex outside a relationship is very reasonable and not at all strange - we promote that a lot around here. Are there any other examples of things that may be less kosher?

I didn't even have my first kiss until I had gone out with a guy for 3 dates.

Okay but that was your first kiss ever, which probably (and should) be held to different standards than subsequent kisses. So that doesn't stand out to me, but I wouldn't advise waiting 3 dates nowadays for a gentleman courting you. Some girls have a "don't kiss on the first date" rule; I personally do not share that sentiment, but it sounds like it might fit you. I advise you to consider kissing a suitor you have interest in on the second date from here on out. Thinking of it as "not before date one, but don't wait until date three" might make you feel more calm in your approach since it will take the guesswork out.

On the first date, you can easily avoid the kiss with a coy smile and "I don't kiss on the first date, but I'd sure love to see you again soon." It won't hurt his feelings, it'll signal you are definitely interested, and it will help you keep your boundaries.

My issue is... I started dating someone in college who I ignored all red flags because I felt too picky. He waited three weeks to kiss me, took me on expensive dates, introduced me to his family. Even though he complained (violently) about his ex all the time, I ignored it. He was TERRIFIED I would cheat on him, and became obsessed with it.
We broke up because... I didn't feel ready for sex. Sorry if it is TMI, I just felt vulnerability would be the best route in posting this. I had never even gone close to sex and after 4 months I was JUST coming around to thinking about it when he laid on the pressure too hard. I felt smothered, and we broke up.

This just sounds like a poor compatibility situation. I think you knew it earlier by instinct than you are giving yourself credit for, which is why you weren't comfortable with sex.

That's okay, preferable even (as I'm glad you didn't sleep with that fellow, he doesn't sound any good), but I think you need to ask yourself how it is you attracted such a sub-par partner and why you let it go on as long as you did. Again, keep some emotional distance from the situation and don't beat yourself up; that won't help anything. Just be honest, learn from it, and move forward. I don't think you need to quarantine yourself from dating longer in the name of self-improvement either, just think about where you are and where you want to be going. Remember, I think you have a great foundation for being a quality partner yourself and being deserving of a quality partner - It really sounds like your parents raised you with great values.

I'm worried he's the only guy who would have waited even 4 months knowing I'm a virgin.

Four months may be a while for some, but I also think if you find a guy that makes you comfortable and cared for (unlike the last gent who was setting off a 'gut feeling') that you won't want to wait four months. Once you are committed, comfortable, and happy....well IMO there's not much else left to wait for. With the right guy, I don't think it will take you four months to fall in love either - with the right guy I think 4-8 or so weeks is totally reasonable and you'll mentally feel great about your situation. I think that fellow just took you four months to warm up to because you knew you shouldn't warm up at all. With just a little more dating strategy, I wager the next man of interest will take much less time to feel comfortable with.

I need to know whether dating is even right for me.

Of course it is, don't be ridiculous. You're selling yourself short by playing the martyr - you're going to do great.

My friends are very promiscuous (about 8-14 sex partners by 19/20) and tell me I am missing the best years of my life.

Well you kind of are, but not due to a lack of promiscuity. You need to get yourself out there and date your way. It sounds like you have wonderful traditional values and all the makings to be a wonderfully giving partner to some lucky guy. You're missing out by not going out and finding him. So, ignore them on the promiscuity bit..but they don't have it entirely wrong.

I am still adamant I should save myself for a guy I trust. But is this too outdated? Are my morals only going to hinder me?

They are limiting, but not in a bad way at all. You should save yourself for a guy you trust, but you should also be taking active steps to find that guy. You're young and in school, if you have any social skills (which it doesn't sound like you struggle there, but I could be wrong) then you'll find someone quickly. College is the best time to find compatible potential partners. Seriously, don't over-complicate it (:

My parents are very religious and told me while they don't expect me to wait for marriage, I need to love that person.

Your parents sound amazing. Seriously. They gave you a gift by instilling these morals in you, not a curse. I wish I had such amazing advisors and you're very lucky.

We went to a bar and it didn't take long for a guy to start kissing me. After a while he asked me what I was doing after this and I just blurted out "Going to church," and walked off. My friends thought it was funny, I did not.

That is hilarious. I think if we met in real life we would be great friends. I love that you have your own internal safety switch to keep you on your chosen path. I have absolutely no doubt you're going to end up very happy because of it.

I have two dates scheduled for next week but really want to blow them off because I am so worried that at 20 I'm too old to be putting off sex.

You will do no such thing. You will get all dressed up, you will go out with the best possible attitude, and you will have a wonderful time. Don't think about sex; on date one, that's not their business. Don't bring it up. Don't even worry about a second date...just enjoy! If you end up not liking a suitor, decline a second date with grace. If you do, try a "no kiss on the first date" line like the one I said above and then have fun on your second date!

Twenty is not too old to put off sex, but it's certainly too young to second-guess your potential as dating material. For what it's worth, I had a roommate when I was 21 that was a year older than me and had also never had sex...hers wasn't even for religious or moral reasons, it was just a comfort thing and it hadn't happened yet. We all went to a party one night, she met some guy and they talked all night...they got married 3 years later.

The sex thing isn't weird unless you make it weird, so don't make it weird. Stop hyping it up or over-complicating it. Just go on dates, and if you like a guy then keep going on dates until you stop enjoying yourself; if you don't stop enjoying yourself, sleep with him when it feels right for you. If your happy, comfortable, exclusive, and/or in love...go for it! You don't have to know if it's going to be "forever". Just ask yourself "in this moment, right now, will I look back on this experience positively?" If so, that's golden.

Best of luck on your dates next week!

TempestTcup · 2017-04-17T15:30:28+00:00

Honestly, I think you are doing yourself a disservice by holding onto this idea that your virginity is your value. Maybe at 18, but certainly not at 20. If this continues, you are going to make an oddity of yourself with men and they will wonder what is wrong with you.

I'm not suggesting going out and tripping over every dick in the aisle but you need to just make out with a guy and get the deal over with. You are making more of it in your head than it needs to be. Just do it.

If you are worried about your lack of experience or if your reason for still being a virgin is more about your looks and attractiveness - work at that. Only you can know what the real reason is, we can only go off of what you report. Your other posts seem to indicate an unnatural obsession with losing your virginity. Get it over with.

phantasmagnolia · 2017-04-17T15:13:59+00:00

I don't have sex outside of a relationship, and I let that be known as soon as I start seeing someone.

I guess he will not yet know whether he wants a relationship with you at that point. Imagine how strange it would sound if the man you were seeing announced that he wouldn't have a relationship before having sex.

But I think that as long as your instincts tell you not to have sex with someone then that is really important information to you :) and when you find that person that you are really attracted to, you can still wait until your head (morals) agrees with you!

I might use that church-line of yours, it was perfect.

[deleted] · 2017-04-18T02:14:01+00:00

The problem isn't you. You are healthy emotionally and you have a strong sense of morality. The problem is that you are surrounded by people who don't share your morals. As a result you feel pressure to lower your standards.

You need to know that it's okay to not be ready for sex. Do you have underlying religious beliefs that are causing you to feel scared when you are with men? 20 really is so young! I would have felt the same way as you in the situations you described! If it makes you feel better, I had sex for the first time at 22... on my wedding night. My husband was 24 and he waited too. It was perfect! :)

There really are men out there who want to wait as well. I have six close friends who also waited until they were married in their early/mid-20s and I know so many more women from church groups who also waited. I think the problem might be that you don't know anyone who has the same morals as you. My advice is to seek out other girls who do share your morals and I think you will realize that there really is no problem... you are just expecting yourself to be ready for something you don't really want to be ready for.

[deleted] · 2017-04-27T05:10:19+00:00

The issue I had started my senior year of high school when I finally started dating a boy who I didn't know was severely bipolar. When I broke up with him he attempted to commit suicide and was sent to a psych ward. It is something that makes me uncomfortable to think about, but not anything I feel guilty for anymore.

The exact same thing happened to me, TWICE, with two different boyfriends. (Neither actually attempted suicide, but both threatened it.) I understand you, but we should never feel guilty for this -- it is a product of their mental illness, not our actions. Also, threatening or attempting suicide in the wake of a break up is often a coercion/brainwashing tactic.

Also, waiting for sex is fine, and I think it's the best choice. I waited and only rarely wish I hadn't, but I really think it's one of those grass-is-greener scenarios, and I think the regret/ickiness of having lots of sexual partners would have GREATLY outweighed the novelty and excitement.

Title	College girl with strong more values worried about dating
Author	Aribella__1
Upvotes	5
Comments	26
Date	April 17, 2017 5:13 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/65tq1c/college_girl_with_strong_more_values_worried/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/college-girl-with-strong-more-values-worried-about.208993 https://theredarchive.com/post/208993

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