How did/would you handle the end of the honeymoon period with your SO?

littleeggwyf · 2017-01-26T12:52:25+00:00

I guess the feeling of perfection went away a bit when we moved in together and we were in a shared space where our habits could be annoying to the other person.

But the attraction and desire doesn't have to go away because you don't see the other person as quite so perfect, I think I honestly love my husband more now than when we were first together and we had the super romantic dates and sexy hotel stays and all that stuff. We've been tested and he's been tested so I know how lucky I am! So it's more than just thinking he is fine, if you see what I mean?

Oh, I had a another thought about this:

I think part of that initial feeling for us was his pursuit of me and in little ways we still keep some parts of that feeling going now, so like I still get shy and hide myself from him if i'm changing because of the way he looks at me. And he'll still sweep me up and i'll pretend to resist after teasing. I'll still blush if I see him completely nude even. It's part of our dynamic, and so there is still some things that are a bit sexy and fun not just like a normal thing.

I'm not saying that is how everyone is, but it's part of what makes flirting fun for us, there's a bit of teasing and mystery maybe. So maybe other people have their own 'fun' things which give excitement as well as the more comfortable loving environment when you're over the 'honeymoon' phase?

[deleted] · 2017-01-26T13:10:55+00:00

What you're describing is actually the moment when real life sinks in the fairytale and that monotony becomes a new part of the relationship. Which is basically where every relationship is headed unless you actively work towards perpetuating the honeymoon phase.

I don't really agree with those terms either way. I think there is no honeymoon phase - it's just a term people use to describe the end of courting and the start of the real relationship, where you're really comfortable around each other and don't need to be on a constant quest to impress.

It's the moment where you start opening up about more intimate stuff and day to day details, where restaurant and movies out become order in and Netflix in your Pj's... It's the reality of a committed couple.

So yeah, when things get real you can be really happy because now you have a commitment of exclusivity and you can start enjoying a new level of intimacy.

To me the end of the honeymoon phase is just the end of the fantasy. You can now see with real eyes (not through the eyes of love which is really blinding at times) and you can start working on your relationship on a deeper level.

Of course all of this is not a reason to become a slob, you still have to impress your SO but this time not so much with the wow effect of dates but rather by providing a steady stream of comfort/doing what you gotta do. And even then, there will still be dates and nights out but they won't be the principal axis of the relationship.

This is my opinion of course, to be taken with a grain of salt :p

Katiescarlett5 · 2017-01-26T14:20:15+00:00

This is obviously something that varies couple to couple, but for us it was a very gradual and gentle fade. I chose to wait until marriage for sex, and I believe there is something about the discipline and pent-up sexual energy of waiting that carries you very far in a marriage. Our "honeymoon" phase lasted a very long time, and as it gradually wore off it left in its place a quieter and deeper love. Like /u/littleeggwyf said, I have no doubt that I love my husband far more now than I did when I married him...it has been tested and tried and proven for over 10 years now. He's quite the romantic type, and I'm a bit addicted to him, so to speak, so we have frequent flashbacks to the giddy infatuation of that first year of marriage.

As fun and thrilling as the honeymoon phase is, it ending is not a bad thing. Living like that forever would be exhausting on many levels, I think. The steady and and deeper love of a maturing relationship is a wonderful thing, as long as you are both paying attention to the little details of life and love and guarding against complacency.

[deleted] · 2017-01-26T14:20:18+00:00

I didn't see it coming. I internally freaked out and tried to hold on to the feeling of being constantly in awe & need and manufactured moments where we ought to have felt this way or that way. Of course I got disappointed and of course he saw right through it :/ That is my biggest RPW fail. We had some talks. I realized that I cannot be so overtly obsessed with spending time with him, seeing him as often as possible and actually doing active stuff together when we are together. When we first got together, we were the couple that naturally just spent as much quality time as possible with each other. This is near impossible to maintain when you live together and travel for extended periods of time together. I still feel like a part of him because we actively share into each other's hobbies.

An idea I have is to write in a notebook where logistics, anxiety over future, expectations or "real life" have no place. Just my gratitude journal that he can read any time and write if he so wishes. Which he totally does....<3 In the book, its all ideas, curiosity for him, gratitude and humble acceptance that I can never "get" him because he is a complex being with a 1000 different thoughts, different life experiences, ambitions and daily scenarios.

[deleted] · 2017-01-26T16:54:50+00:00

I dont think in my relationship the honeymoon is over. We've been together over a year now and there are still a lot of moments when we are in honeymoon stage. We are very loving and caring with one another but sometimes I forget. But then moments happen that reaffirm my love and its honeymoon all over again. Even when we do mundane boring shit. Like the other day he was reading while I was playing the piano. I just looked over at him and was so happy I could have someone by my side doing boring shit and not be pestering me, not be mad I'm not all over him. You have to constantly be looking for the good shit and the honeymoon phase can keep on going.

Actually last night we were watching a show. There was this cheesy love scene that came on and I started looking at him and repeating the words in a soap opera actress exaggerated kind of way. When the couple on screen kissed there was some cheesy music that went along with it too. So we started aggressively making out like our lives depended on it. It was hilarious. It was romance. It was magic. Our lives are so great together and it is cause we work hard at it.

[deleted] · 2017-01-26T19:27:35+00:00

This will probably be a long-winded (and somewhat wandering) response, there are just a few things I want to talk about before I dive into my personal experience with the whole “honeymoon” thing.

‘Honeymoon’ phases are generally used to describe two points in (most) relationships. The first is when two people become an official couple (LTR), and the second is after a couple has married. I have also heard people use ‘honeymoon’ to describe the very early days of dating someone they would eventually like to be in an LTR with, but I don’t think this happens nearly as much which is why I’m not going to spend any time on it here.

When a woman forms a committed relationship with a man, there’s typically a lot of excitement, newness, heightened emotions, thrills, and every interaction and feeling seems to be injected with three times as much intensity as the individual is used to. New love/relationships are laced with a kind of natural hormonal ‘high.’ It’s possible (depending on how long the couple has been acquainted, and how thoroughly they vetted each other) that they know each other anywhere from ‘barely’ to ‘fairly well.’ I think the ‘crash’ comes for most people because of several factors:

There’s no real understanding/awareness of what it means to be in, and make an LTR work long-term
Both people are on their ‘best’ behavior in terms of personality and presentation, and those standards start to slip in various ways as time passes
As things go from ‘new’ to ‘normal’ people experience a bit of a ‘let down.’ The shift leaves them with a feeling of disappointment or increased dissatisfaction with their SO
After the ‘honeymoon’ people are more willing/able to see flaws that were always present
After the ‘honeymoon’ people are more willing to go looking for flaws People create unrealistic expectations for what the relationship will be like, and that inevitably leads to a ‘drop’ (it could be a minimal sense of change, or a very drastic sense that something has either been ‘lost’ or ‘ended.’

The next most popular use of the term is right after people are married. While it’s true that they know each other very well, and love each other - they are still ‘new’ to being married. As a result, many couples experience emotions and highs similar to the early days of courtship. Again, as time goes on, and married life becomes normal and familiar - the thrill fades away and the honeymoon ends.

Overall, how long a ‘honeymoon’ lasts will vary from couple to couple. 3 months to a year seems to be the main time-frame within which a ‘honeymoon’ will last. Some relationships transition into a post ‘honeymoon’ dynamic that functions effectively and lovingly. Other relationships struggle with arguments, tension, upheaval, discontent, and disappointment.

The description of a ‘honeymoon phase’ almost necessitates that the participants embrace a detached fantasy bubble where nothing ‘real’ (work, problems, every day life) have much influence on the ‘high’ that the couple experiences. This is possibly why, when the ‘honeymoon’ ends, and people are forced to accept that life does go on and problems will happen - they may think of it as a ‘let down.’ In some sense, they mistakenly believed (although not necessarily deliberately or knowingly) that the magic of the ‘honeymoon’ was supposed to somehow rescue them from a normal living pattern.

The fact that ‘honeymoon phases’ happen at the start of relationships/marriage has lead me to conclude something that may seem unusual. There’s an underlying idea that the less you know someone, and the less time you have spent with them - the better and more magical the relationship is. This is simply a twist (and in some ways an inversion) of the normal description of the ‘honeymoon phase.’ If everything is better when things are new, unique, unknown, and novel (you’ve spent less total time with the person, you don’t know them as well), and the glamour of the ‘honeymoon phase’ ebbs once the relationship has been thoroughly established, normalized, and is part of your routine (you’ve spent more time with them, you know them better, and have hopefully developed deeper feelings for them) then the whole notion of the ‘honeymoon’ seems less and less like a good/happy thing. I know that’s not how people intend for the term to be used, nor is this how people think when they talk about the ‘honeymoon phase.’ Nevertheless these are conclusions that can be inferred from the general description, and also from a lot of the fall-out and discord (some) couples experience with increasing frequency after it (the ‘honeymoon’) ends.

People talk about how wonderful and magical things were early on in the relationship, and I think it's sad that I don't hear those same people talk passionately about what happened between the two of them ‘just last week’. When it comes to the thrills, and magical highs - I think of it in much the same way as happiness. I have always thought of ‘being happy’ similar to strengthening a muscle or developing a skill. The more you work it and use it, the stronger it becomes, and the easier it is to ‘do’. I find it easy to feel wonderment and happiness in my day to day life - and that is a big part why the ‘honeymoon’ seems never-ending for me personally. In fact, the more time that passes, the more intensely I feel and experience the ‘honeymoon’ phase.

This is a good time to explain a few things about myself, because I do think my ‘honeymoon’ works in a different way from most people for several reasons. Novelty, newness, and unpredictability are not things that ‘set my heart a flutter’ nor are they things I want to feel regularly. The more predictable, steady, and routine my days - the happier I tend to be. I lead what most people would consider to be a very quiet life. When an ‘unknown’ pops up, I consider it to be a bother more often than not. At the same time, I enjoy bungee jumping, sky diving, roller-coasters, and other activities that get the heart pumping. My SO does surprise and thrill me on a continual basis, and flirting is our main form of communication. Everything just turns into a game for us and it’s great. I am more thoroughly in awe, love, and dazzled by my SO today, than I was when we first started dating (even though I was crazy about him then too). I never expected (or wanted) to meet a man that would ‘take me out of’ my reality, nor did I ever think of relationships as things that ‘just happen.’ I tend to be very deliberate when I do things, creating boundaries and structures gives me a sense of security...but within those structures I am a whirlwind of nonsense, joviality, and constant energy. This perhaps makes sense to those that know me better, because I am hyper defensive against ‘unknowns,’ generally careful, introverted, and I do not trust people blindly (even though I am welcoming and pleasant to those I meet). Vetting for a good man was always extremely important to me, and my SO did have me breaking many of my personal rules for the first (and only) time.

All that to say that the ‘honeymoon phase’ isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be misleading when people have incomplete, underdeveloped awareness of the other person, themselves, and what reality will look like as time marches on. Relationships require constant upkeep and investment, I do a considerable amount of work in my relationship, as does my SO - but all people really see is how much fun we have and how effortless everything seems to fit together. I’m sure anyone that dances or is familiar with dancing can appreciate this concept. The idea is to look graceful, beautiful, and skilled - all the while never letting the audience know just how much energy, effort, and strength is required to complete a performance.

If you have realistic expectations, understand how relationships work (and are willing to do your part), pay attention to vetting, don’t allow yourself to establish ‘false’ standards that you won’t be able to follow through on indefinitely, and accept that life always returns to normal - then I think your ability to extend and enhance the ‘honeymoon phase’ will be greatly improved. Furthermore, there’s no reason that shifting out of the ‘honeymoon phase’ in any way needs to be a negative experience.

StingrayVC · 2017-01-26T12:15:56+00:00

I'm going to need more to answer this question. Please write something up in a post to explain more what you mean?

[deleted] · 2017-01-26T19:57:28+00:00

I've always heard about this honeymoon phase thing...I'm still waiting for it to end after 10 years together, 5 of them married.

I actually think our relationship is better and more romantic now. Our sex gets better every year! I feel like when you first get together there are just more little things that come up, you're still getting to know each other and learning to communicate. At this point my husband and I don't really ever have disagreements because we know each other so well.

It's adorable when we meet new people though, they're always like, "aw you guys are so cute, how long have you been together?" they clearly think it's a new thing and then they're shocked when we're like, "a decade". hahaha.

BellaScarletta · 2017-01-27T19:42:24+00:00

I actually don't feel like we ever had a honeymoon phase? I'm not sure if that is strange to say.

When we began courting, we very much had the mentality it was going to be real and right or it wasn't going to be at all. We spent 3 weeks meeting in odd spots and just talking about life and expectations. By the time we had the "let's do this" mentality...we already felt so old together.

We always laugh because as a descriptor, I don't feel we've ever lined up with the actual amount of time we've been together. Within two months he asked me if I felt like it had been two years, and I very much agreed.

It's kind of comforting because I don't feel like there is anything that's about to "wear off". We have conflicts, happiness, tension, whatever else...and none of it feels fleeting. When we disagree and spend time working it out, it feels like we are defending our relationship 30 years from now - like we are problem-solving now for a more harmonious long-term future. It never feels like we are problem-solving for the moment, i.e. get through this argument to reach immediate peace or satisfaction.

I'm sure everyone defines "honeymoon" phase as something different, but I think of it as something short-term...whether that applies to happiness or any other aspect of your personal dynamic. Everything about my relationship has, from day one, felt exclusively oriented around long-term happiness and success.

teaandtalk · 2017-01-28T07:30:00+00:00

The initial phase of a relationship is often full of butterflies and adrenaline because of the uncertainty of it, or the newness of it.

“Studies show that the arousal that’s created through [an adrenaline-producing] activity can get transferred to your partner and your relationship,”

(from here )

So more rollercoasters, diving, laser tag, costumes and roleplay, karaoke -- anything to get your adrenaline up will help you keep the butterflies with your partner.

Title	How did/would you handle the end of the honeymoon period with your SO?
Author	wifeintrainz
Upvotes	9
Comments	14
Date	January 26, 2017 12:11 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5q9tje/how_didwould_you_handle_the_end_of_the_honeymoon/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-didwould-you-handle-the-end-of-the-honeymoon.209184 https://theredarchive.com/post/209184

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