Hi RPW! I'm in a relationship with a man and we're both in our late 20s. As a whole, our relationship is fantastic. We've been together for a year and we see each other often. There's one that bothering me though, and in the grand scheme of things it's minor, but it's bugging me enough that I feel like I've mentally exhausted my options.

Our sex life is good. He's absolutely the best I've ever had. Equipment and performance-wise, top notch, however, there's just something I long for every time I'm under him and I don't know how to go about this without tearing him down mentally.

While I enjoy our sex, and I've never gone without.... "getting there," I want to be, well, dominated. I crave feeling at his mercy and I want him to take me and show me who is boss. I just.... I want to feel completely out of control. I want him to use me for his own pleasure without a care of whether I'm enjoying it. I don't know why but the idea of it makes me feel extremely desired and I crave it more every time.

The thing is, for the most part, he's a, um, tender? Lover. He's incredibly gentle with me, at most, he'll hold my hands above my head. Until it comes to sexual acts that he's never done before he met me, and then his roughness is restricted to those sexual acts. For instance, he'll be rough and smack my butt in the kitchen when it's tied to nothing sexual, but in the bedroom, it took several months of carefully placed encouragement to get him to smack my butt in the bedroom and it's hesitant and awkward at best.

I know that rough man is in there, but I can't figure out how to bring the beast out. I've been working on this for months now and progress has been slow and nearly non-existent. Here is a list of things I've tried:

  • I've lost a significant amount of weight during the relationship. (My BMI is 20) and his is 26; pure muscle. I do my hair how he likes, dress how he likes, etc.
  • I've made verbal suggestions in a flirtatious way, before sex, after sex, in completely non-sexual situations that are appropriate, and he either DAREs or ignores it.
  • I've done things like wearing an outfit in multiple different contexts and done things to try to elicit a more dominant response (Backed into a wall pulling him into me with his tie, drop to my knees at random times, playful defiance)
  • I've tried to ask him what he's into in different ways, but DARE.
  • Any time he's done something dominant not related to the bedroom, like smack my ass, I've indicated to varying degrees that this action turns me on. (Moaning, flirting, outright telling him that turns me on)
  • At any hint of wanting to do something sexual, I respond eagerly.
  • I've tried to use suggestive language in bed or when talking about the idea of having sex ("you're going to have your way with me later!")
  • I ask him for permission to get off, perform sexual acts, I beg often for different dirty things that you'd think would elicit a more dominant response....
  • I've straight up asking for specific things ("smack my ass") during sex, with severely awkward results... I quit doing that recently because it felt like topping from the bottom

I'm at a loss of what to do. It's really ironic, because outside of the bedroom, he's very TRP. Stoic and alpha, uses push/pull, DARE, etc. He'd even fandangled me into wanting to try a sexual act that was on my "no" list in a very TRP way. Does anyone have any ideas? Thanks!