My mom beta shames my step father so much

powerkick · 2014-12-08T05:18:29+00:00

Visit /r/raisedbynarcissists. Countering clear abuse with more abuse will never change things.

give_me_shinies · 2014-12-08T08:52:12+00:00

Damn, I've have seen too much shit like this in real-life. Reading this gives me an emotional reaction and makes me sad.

The other posters are right. You probably can't do much. Neither to change your mum nor to help your dad change.

There is one thing you can do. Ease his pain. (Even if he says he is not in pain. He obviously has very low self-esteem and he doesn't set boundaries. There is no way he isn't hurting).

Show him you appreciate him and what he is doing.

By saying it: "Wow, it's great how you fixed xy. Looks like it was a complicated thing to do. And it took you only like, what, 10 minutes?" or compliments like:"this shirt looks great on you" or after he did a lot of chores "hey you did a lot of things today. You must be really tired." "you must be really tired" being the keyword here. It shows that you empathize with him. And basically any *"thank you for xy", with the important emphasis on showing that what he did made you happy. The "thank you" is not that important. Example: He goes shopping for groceries. You asked him to bring...let's say a specific brand of cereal breakfast. So he brings them home and you not only say thank you, but something like "thank you, I love those" and smile. The thank you is not as imoprtant as him seeing that he did something to make you happy.

Damn, I know...this all sounds so trivial, but for people like your step-dad it means the world. Oh and I am definitely not saying that you don't do this already. It's just that we often forget to do this basic stuff, when we are stressed out or something. It's counterproductive that somehow people seem to cut back on this stuff when it would be most important. (Yes, speaking from my own experience, I have to admit I fell in this trap). Oh, and even if you are already doing these things, you can always amp it up.)

By hugging him or patting him on the shoulder or high fiving him. Just basic physical, non-sexual touching that you would see in healthy families. Even if it doesn't come natural to you both and might be awkward as hell at first, there is a high chance that he will appreciate it. I don't know much about the relationship between you and your step-dad... it could be impossible.

But you can always start easier and then work up. For example something like, he says something playfully mocking you at breakfast. You yell playfully outraged: "DAD!" and lightly punch his arm. I guarantee, if he is anything like the guys I know and have in mind when I try to picture your dad, he will go to work with a smile on his face afterwards.

By seeking out his opinion. This could be filed under "nice guy"-manipulative tactics. Bringing out the big guns, kinda. Show him that you value his opinion on things. Even if you don't! Yes, it is some kind of manipulation. Let's say you have a fight with one of your friends. You already made up your mind on how to go about it. That doesn't mean that you can't ask him for his opinion. "Hey dad, I had a fight with my friend, it went down like this blablabla...what would you do in my place?"

The important thing is to only do this with things that are easy to talk about. Nothing too complicated. Basically just try to make it so that it won't feel like a chore to him. Not as if you used him to vent. You just value his opinion.

That would be some basic stuff that will make him feel better. Best case-scenario is that it will help him with his self-esteem over time.

Of course there are risks. You have to be careful with your mother. She could go nuclear if she has the impression that you value your step-dad more than her. But you can do all of the above without her knowing it.

Hope that helps, wish you two the best!

EDIT: Fuck...I didn't check your post history, so I have no idea how old you are. Holy shit. I just thought you were a teenager.

sleuthoftrades · 2014-12-08T04:51:27+00:00

If the genders were reversed, I am sure most people would say it was abuse. Although he is part of the problem for not standing up for himself and not leaving, it seems awfully close to victim blaming.

Long story short, he's screwed.

ArkiF · 2014-12-08T03:15:59+00:00

This seems more of a question for a relationships forum. But could you buy him a book about boundaries?

[deleted] · 2014-12-08T03:19:30+00:00

you can't. He makes his choice to be treated like shit, so let him live with it.

winndixie · 2014-12-08T03:21:52+00:00

Because she doesn't know any other kind of encouragement other than shaming. I suggest honest communication and positive encouragement.

As a wife, she is in a critical position, she has the ability to hurt, and the ability to build.

Reginleifer · 2014-12-08T03:47:19+00:00

Go to goosebridge

King Solomon's advice to all beta husbands.

ExpendableOne · 2014-12-08T16:22:57+00:00

Just stand up for your dad or speak with him to make him see your perspective on the matter. If his feelings for her, or his unwillingness to fight back, make him that vulnerable to her, then you can still help him by calling your mom out on her negative behaviour when you can or backing/building up your dad whenever you can. The fact that he puts up with it doesn't mean it's his choice or that it's the way he wants things to be. He may feel trapped or unable to change things. He may want things to different but doesn't know how to make things better. Just ignoring the issue and saying it's just his fault because he's weak/vulnerable isn't really going to help with anything and, in essence, it is victim blaming. If it was a woman being treated like shit by her husband, she would get all kinds of social, moral and legal support to help her with these issues. He doesn't really have those options available to him. Telling him to just "man up" would just be a massive double-standard in this case.

wazzup987 · 2014-12-09T10:46:47+00:00

pull him aside in private and let him know what you mom is doing is wrong past that there is not much, also learn watch and learn, look for abusive partner in your future relationship its probably to late for your dad. also protip never date a woman that can't take care of her self.

Skratt · 2014-12-08T03:30:59+00:00

My dad is exactly like this! But. If he really wanted to get out of it he'd do something. So...just let it be :/ Or maybe get the mom by herself and try to talk it out with her.

Title	My mom beta shames my step father so much
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	23
Date	December 8, 2014 3:08 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/2olymg/my_mom_beta_shames_my_step_father_so_much/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/my-mom-beta-shames-my-step-father-so-much.284160 https://theredarchive.com/post/284160

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