Now let me first say that this isn't exactly dealing with depression. I understand that the world "is what it is" and adversity and challenges are matters everyone deals with in some form or another. Fair enough.

I live with mild (non schizophrenic) forms of borderline personality and manic depressive behaviors (as discussed with professionals and not strictly self diagnosed, and I mention mild forms because I have made it a point to whom I've spoken with not to fully diagnose as to not make it seem like a larger, unbearable issue as disruptive as they may be). These conditions make confidence and decisive abilities very difficult as to make me slightly delusional (+ and -). Not having mental clarity is the largest problem in my life and so there exists a continuous, cyclical distraction of "I'm stuck, I can't see, I can't think, I can't read, I can't focus." This occurs at work, in social settings, and in physical activity. Generally isolation or indecisiveness causes it and by chance, something random will snap me out like a bird chirping or suddenly realizing that the tiles in the floor looks like a wolf. Then, I'll be relieved and thankful, laugh it off, and be productive to make up for lost time.

It hit me today that a wasted life is one not worth living and that everyone is going to die and everything will become garbage. Not new thoughts, but strikingly disturbing seeing that these distractions cause great wastes of time and energy.

I like reading TRP and it's approach and voice. I try to work hard in my job, endeavors, spirtually (yeah, whatever but still important to me), and physically but these are really large and disorienting roadblocks. Moreso, it's like a tornado picking me off the road and tossing me into a field.

How have others pushed beyond this? Not having mental clarity is the largest issue in my life. I'm not talking about indecisiveness, but really worried that I have difficulties thinking and feeling in deep and sincere ways.

Thanks

*Mods, if you find this unfitting for TRP please delete.