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My lack of social life is hindering my dating prospects and making me rely on dating apps?

bigflame123 · 2019-08-12T23:31:58+00:00

Because of my lack of social life I have heavily relied on dating apps to find a girl but hen the problems is most of the time I get impatient and just want...

bigflame123

August 12, 2019

4 upvotes

/r/ExRedPill

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Title	My lack of social life is hindering my dating prospects and making me rely on dating apps?
Author	bigflame123
Upvotes	4
Comments	31
Date	August 12, 2019 11:31 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/cpkjd8/my_lack_of_social_life_is_hindering_my_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/my-lack-of-social-life-is-hindering-my-dating.299647 https://theredarchive.com/post/299647

Comments

[–]raziphel13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame123-2 points-1 points0 points 6 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link

[–]sarah-goldfarb6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame123-1 points0 points1 point 6 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]Barneysparky4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame123-1 points0 points1 point 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Barneysparky2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

You need to be able to be friends with women who you admire for her skill in something (Not porn) before you can be in a relationship with them.

Let's say you have a bias that woman aren't as smart as you. Because you have that bias when you meet a girl that wants to date you, chances are it will be a girl who considers you to be really smart and admires you for it.

No one person is smarter then all other people in all things. Ever. We all have our specific skill sets. But you've gone into a relationship thinking you are smarter across the board, bias towards that. Disaster.

You think all women will cheat, or you have thought patterns about your partner cheating. Disaster. You might even make them cheat, why not when your being accused of it all the time.

You think she only wants you for your money? I was a bit of a "girlfriend" for a year in the 90s. Why would you give loyalty to someone who treats you like a sugarbaby instead of a relationship? A serious relationship is about common goals and working towards them, not buying dinners, having sex, then going to your homes.

All these examples lead to break up. Everytime eventually unless they are culturally stuck with a person they don't like.

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Barneysparky0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]thebassoonist062 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]sarah-goldfarb0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

I definitely agree that people should recognize their own needs, communicate their needs to others, and make sure that their needs get met.

However, the idea that people have a “true self” is something that is criticized a lot by philosophers and psychologists. Research shows that people’s behaviors vary wildly based on the environment that they are placed in. For example, in the famous Stanford prison experiment, otherwise-docile students acted cruel and heartless to their fellow students when they were given a position of unmitigated power. It is very important to understanding human behavior to recognize that a person’s feelings thoughts and behaviors are based on the context they are in.

Why is this relevant? Well for one thing, because a lot of people use “you don’t want me to be myself” as an excuse to not make necessary changes to their life. For example, take a situation that’s fairly stereotypical for young people in relationships: girlfriend wants to spend more time together, boyfriend wants to spend all his time gaming. He might say “gaming all the time is who I am and you shouldn’t try to change me,” but what he MEANS is “I need time to myself/ I need time with my friends.” Which is valid. Framing it that way helps girlfriend understand that it’s not that he’s immature (which she might think if he approached it from an identity-based “this is who I am” framework), it’s that he has needs that need to be met. Likewise, a need-based framework allows both of them to recognize ALL of BOTH of their needs- yes he needs alone time, but doesn’t he also need a healthy romantic relationship? Likewise, what about her need for closeness? These needs must be recognized and compromises must be made so that there’s a balance. With an identity-based framework there is no room foe growth, change, compromise, or genuine reflection on why we chose to do the things we do (ie. you don’t game because you were born a gamer, you game because it fulfills certain needs you have).

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]sarah-goldfarb1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s simply a matter of perspective. Instead of allowing yourself to fall into certain habits and routines because they are comfortable and stubbornly clinging to them (the “this is who I am” approach), take time to reflect on your actions and what they’re doing for/to you, and others. For example, am I staying in bed today I had a really rough week at work and I need a break (which is ok) or would it actually help me more to go out and socialize with my friends and build those relationships even though I don’t really feel like it because in the long run I will be happier if I’m closer to my friends? In a relationship you must also weigh your partner’s needs... is she being clingy because she wants to control me, or does she need intimacy and closeness in a way that I might personally not feel or totally understand but it’s still valid? Framing things this way allows you to be reflective on the choices you make, how they serve you, how they impact others, and allows you to look at why others might feel the way they do in a way that is more understanding and compassionate.

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Rad1Red1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]raziphel0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Mental health and a lack of positive reinforcement is a deadly combo, my dude. That can be super hard to work with.

If you have animosity and distrust toward women, well... you SHOULD work on those things because they're not healthy and they're holding you back from your joy and success in life. Do it for yourself too, because empathy and kindness are significantly better traits for healthy human beings. Can you really blame others for not wanting to be around someone who dislikes and distrusts them? Not really. YOU don't want to be around someone who kinda hates you and treats you like shit, do you? I doubt it. No one does.

Let's look at that disagreement objectively. You can't force someone to want to spend time with you, so if you want someone to spend time with you, well... you pretty much have to be someone they want to be around. I know that sounds circular, but well... it's a self-evident statement. I don't think you disagree with it as much as are having a negative emotional reaction... which makes sense, given your history and current state.

So what should you do? How about... instead of saying "I shouldn't be myself" perhaps you should say "let's find ways to make myself better." Everyone has room for improvement, including you. Change yourself - grow - for yourself, and for your own future happiness. That is literally the only way out of your current predicament, guided by therapy.

And no, don't hyper-focus on shallow answers like "money and muscles." Shallow views create shallow results.

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]raziphel0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]PithyApollo2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]onlyforsex2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame1231 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]thebassoonist065 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]thebassoonist061 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]onlyforsex1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I mentioned making platonic friends because I don't personally think that you should be out dating in the classic sense when youre going through a load of difficulties with mental health issues. So making some new friends, both guys and girls, might just help you get out of your old mental habits a bit without the crushing rejection.

Cultivating friendships is like gsrdening. Sometimes you just want some friends around so that your life is filled with more happiness and beauty, even if youre not gonna eat anything in your garden, you feel me?

The benefits are multiple :

You might end up in a good, deeper relationship with one of your new friends later on
Your friendships might lead to you meeting new people that you do have a good connection with
Having friends helps you have a healthier lifestyle and mental attitudes
Being healthier in mind and body makes you more attractive than being lonely and stuck in a negative cycle

So even if you don't fuck your friends, having a healthy friendship with them might lead you to meeting new people and building your people skills. So don't see it as an end goal in itself, see it as a stepping stone to having a richer life filled with positive relationships that could lead to better dates.

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]onlyforsex2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]PithyApollo1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]bigflame1230 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link