28yo, 146#, married 4yrs, on the RP journey ~6 months

Bench 3x155#, Squat 3x205#, Overhead Press 3x115#, Deadlift 4x255#

Introduction

If you've been working on your marriage and reading your Bible, you've visited 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 a number of times. The conventional (and not wholly incorrect) takeaway is that in a Christian marriage, each spouse is to initiate and receive sex as often as they want.

When I first started out on my journey, I would revisit this passage about once a month with my wife. I would take the line that, "I'm supposed to have sex as often as I like! See? It's in the Bible!" I even made sure she knew I had John Piper on my side of the argument.

As you can imagine, those conversations never went well. They were littered with covert contracts, and we often only escalated into unproductive anger.

Well, just yesterday, my wife and I revisited that John Piper article, and we actually had a long, productive discussion looking at the passage together. Here, I'd like to relate some of the big takeaways which have put words to dynamics and frustrations we've both been feeling on this long, wild journey.

The Passage: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

[1] Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” [2] But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. [3] The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. [4] For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. [5] Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (ESV)

The Commands

As you read the passage, you'll likely immediately get a picture of an ideal sexual relationship within marriage. Each spouse is commanded to give sexually based on the others' needs. There are no deals to be made or conditions to be met. The only condition is the fact that they are a married couple. No further requirements are listed (not even weightlifting!).

However, something unique emerges when you step back to deeply consider the specificity of the commands in the passage, to isolate and evaluate each of the verbs as they can be applied to each spouse individually.

This approach is how we often read Ephesians 5:22-33. Men obey Paul's commands to husbands regardless of whether or not their wife fulfills her portion. She's not respecting you? No excuses. Paul did not include, "Husbands love your wives if she's behaving the way you want her to." There's no "if." Look at what Paul commanded of husbands. Are you a husband? There are your marching orders.

Similarly, in 1 Corinthians 7, we can isolate the commands and expectations given to men and remove those given to women:

  • "... each man should have his own wife ..." (v. 2)
  • "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights ..." (v. 3)
  • "... the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." (v. 4)
  • "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement ..." (v. 5)

The Posture of a Sexual Relationship

Looking at the passage in this light, we see a certain posture or attitude toward sexuality take shape.

  1. Monogamy (v. 2). A man is to have a woman who is his. Not multiple women. Not a woman he shares with others.
  2. A man is the recipient of his wife's sexual desire (vv. 3-5).

Point one is an easy takeaway. Here on RPC, that's not something we need to spend time here discussing.

Point two, though, has totally changed my approach to sexuality and it is quickly transforming my marriage.

As you'll read throughout RP literature, there is the advice to initiate often and to learn how to receive denials with grace and amused mastery (instead of being butthurt). It seems many have been like me and have initiated so often and so consistently that even if I personally am not bothered, my wife gets annoyed (read: infuriated) which really only drives her further away from me sexually.

This passage, though, implicitly affirms something all of us in the TRP/MRP/RPC world already know: Women want sex.

And as a husband, to serve the wife (because of temptation in vv. 2 & 5), to position himself such that she can freely and easily come to him instead of him always battering down the door to go to her.

The Gift of Breathing Room

As I've gotten fit, put my affairs in order, found my mission, and lived this RPC journey, my wife (and all the other women in my life) have responded to me with attraction. One woman at work who was impossible to get along with, consistently accusing me of wrongdoing, changed her tone to actually make excuses for me whenever I made a mistake - even big mistakes.

At home, though, sex still wasn't happening, and now I think I see a major reason why: I had the posture of aggressor, too often being up in my wife's business about sex. She never had time or space to let her own feelings of attraction grow and take root such that she had her own desire driving her to the bedroom.

Toward the end of November, I was convicted, thinking, "You know, nothing is working. I don't know what's going on, but I feel the Spirit's convicting me that it's time to go NoFap hard mode (no orgasm of any kind) and stop pursuing sex with my wife for the month of December. We might not have sex - I might not even have an orgasm - at all this month, and that would be okay."

Little did I know that in taking this attitude (while still going on dates and maintaining all the other parts of the relationship) I was taking on the posture of recipient. I did not pursue sex. I did not reach out to kiss or hug her. I did not initiate any cuddling in bed. I gave her some space and gave her physical romantic attention only when she clearly indicated she wanted it.

In this time, her sexual desire grew immensely. It's like she got to regain control of her own sense of sexuality and desire, discovering her own feelings instead of always playing defense against mine.

Leading by Example

In taking on this posture, becoming a patient and faithful recipient of her sexual desire, she has started to do the same for me. This dynamic has been key in reestablishing an element of trust in that she might now say, "He really does want to use his sexuality to serve me, not trying to use my sexuality to serve him." She can feel the freedom to assume the posture of the recipient of my sexual desire because I have already done so for her. The pressure is off. I'm committed to first and foremost having an attitude that I am sexually available to her, even if she isn't sexually available to me.

Only now does all the lifting, game, mission, and other dynamics impact my sexual relationship. Those things have all come together to make it easy for her to desire sex with me, her husband. Now she has the space to let those desires rise within her, and she feels the safety to bring them to me, a husband who recognizes his body is not his own.