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So what *can* you negotiate?

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December 13, 2019

28yo, wife 31yo. 5'7" 146# ~15%bf

Squat 5x200#, Deadlift 5x250#, Bench 4x150#, Overhead Press 4x105#

We've all heard it a thousand times: You can't negotiate desire.

Okay. Got it. Lifting/running for six months. I'm the hot guy at the gym now. Wife is super submissive compared to before. She seeks to please me consistently in everything except sex.

However, we're still climbing out of our dead bedroom. She still has a lot of emotional ties to how badly I behaved sexually towards her when I was a fat, beta, blue-pill dumb-dumb.

I get it. I can't negotiate whether or not she wants to have sex with me.

Yet, now that she has desire, it seems like she's not sure what to do with it (and scared she's gonna get burned again by the old me). It seems like we need to negotiate the when/where/how of establishing a healthy sex life as a married couple.

u/Deep_Strength shared some really helpful advice. My wife and I went out for coffee and opened the door to some really good, intimate conversations. As I move forward, what should I be on the lookout for? What are some red flags? What are some good signs?

Before you ask: So far these conversations have followed the same Captain/First Officer dynamic that we use in all other areas of our life. She's on the one hand desperate for my leadership in this area but also holding onto self-protection because of how extremely vulnerable sex requires her to be.

Post Information
Title So what *can* you negotiate?
Author CarelessBowler5
Upvotes 7
Comments 4
Date 13 December 2019 02:09 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
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leadershipbetaliftthe blue pill-pill

[–]SkimTheDross3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

First off - good job on the lifts. You’ve put in a lot of work.

It sounds like you have a covert contract hanging around. “If I get hot she’ll want to have sex with me”. Probably the pinnacle number one convert contract we career betas generate when we launch into this journey. Replace that covert contract with a facet of your mission.

For me, fitness is a necessity. I see so many 50, 60 and 70 year old men around me that can’t participate fully in their life and be there for their sphere of influence. I’m striving to see my strength, resilience and endurance as a critical component of my mission. If it generates tingles in my wife’s panties, that’s a fun bonus.

I’m also picking up that you’re over thinking how to interact with your wife. Be fun, dude. Sounds like you’re building emotional connection. Your wife needs that. I went through a time where I pulled that component thinking I was managing time and attention. It was like rationing water to a plant. Sure, it might live - but it didn’t thrive.

Learn to share your emotions in a healthy, masculine fashion. I’m not one of the guys that has the links handy - but there’s some good ones on this sub and MRP.

Keep at it, bro. There’s no finish line.

[–]Red-Curious2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can negotiate compliance. That's about it. Anything internal has to be there on its own. Often-times, even if the desire is there, negotiating compliance doesn't make the desire come with it. For example: I've had situations where I wanted to perform a task at work. Then my boss would come and tell me I had to do that task. Instead of thinking, "That's great, I wanted to do that anyway!" the mandatory compliance took the fun out of it, so my desire to do the task suddenly felt like an obligation - even though I still had the desire for it too. It sucked.

The same thing is true in any other number of areas. Thinking small? Serving my neighbors when a pastor then starts pressuring the congregation on service. Thinking big? Giving to the homeless when the government starts raising taxes to fund social welfare.

The government can negotiate my compliance through executive force (military, police, etc.). My congregation leader can negotiate compliance through access to influence (i.e. if I want to have influence in the congregation, I have to play ball with him, lest he shut me out). My boss can negotiate compliance through economic pressure.

None of them can negotiate how I feel about something or what I think - and often times trying to negotiate any of this into me destroys any natural desire I might otherwise have, or at least precludes me from being able to experience and express my desire in the process.

[–]Deep_Strength1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can't really negotiate anything. Everyone has to do something of their own free will. But you can influence in a godly manner.

Main thing would be keep initiating, don't get butt hurt. Keep leading. Build the trust and intimacy. Don't be results oriented. Be process oriented.

[–]Praexology0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yet, now that she has desire, it seems like she's not sure what to do with it (and scared she's gonna get burned again by the old me). It seems like we need to negotiate the when/where/how of establishing a healthy sex life as a married couple.

Stop trying to read her mind. Its a stupid game to try to predict what shes thinking. It will take time for her to realize you're now a sober captain instead of a drunk who can't find their booze. As you move along she'll realize the new you is here to stay instead of being blown away by a breeze.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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