Non-believing spouse

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LinkRod
November 12, 2019
3 upvotes
askRPC

Hi RPC

I’ll try to cut this short. Married for 14y, half of it spent trying to please her. We had dead bedroom and she was never happy, I dropped all my hobbies, friends etc. just to be with her and nothing ever worked.

So I got into all the DB sins one can expect and I guess I was fighting the devil and hit the rock bottom. I was an atheist at the time but I had an ”event” and I’m definitely spiritual now.

So I read the Bible. And some other books, researched online. And when I told my wife I wanted to go to a local Bible study she objected strongly. It was like I had asked to join a cult. So I backed off and went back in to her frame. I was BP, the dead bedroom was back, among other things. The sins were back on my heels.

Then I found RP. I can see now how to start fixing things but I’m concerned with my wife. I just dont see her ever accepting my spirituality or the life I want to now build. What do I do with her?

I know the Bible tells me to pray for her but in all these years she never was genuinely interested in meeting my needs. How long is long enough?

We have kids and all I really want is to build a functional family with her. She is escaping her motherly duties with work and the kids are at the grandma’s house all the time.


Post Information
Title Non-believing spouse
Author LinkRod
Upvotes 3
Comments 8
Date 12 November 2019 03:07 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/304658
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/dvb7da/nonbelieving_spouse/
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Comments

[–]redwall926 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Second reply ... looked at your OYS

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/dlex0g/own_your_shit_weekly_october_22_2019/f5l1lme/

I'm going to amend my initial comment.

STEP #1. You don't lift. You can't keep track of your own weight. You make your wife's eating habits your excuse for gaining weight.

Shut the actual hell up, man. Lose the weight. Get in the gym.

Step #2. Get out of the freaking house. You've identified that's a problem. You work with your wife. You're in the house all day long. So ... it's either a problem, or it's not. Make a plan. Execute. Get a life. And go to the gym, too.

STEP #3. If you want the kids home, then get the kids home and out of grandma's house. But you've got to keep frame. If your wife is yelling, then take the kids out and go to grandma's house with them. If you're yelling, then hey ... maybe the kids are better of at grandma's.

And hit the sidebar. Don't stop reading and let things sink in. Keep reading. But start acting. Put down the fork. Pick up the bar. And build your frame.

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

What do I do with her?

"Let those with wives live as though they had none." ~1 Cor. 7:29

I know the Bible tells me to pray for her but in all these years she never was genuinely interested in meeting my needs. How long is long enough?

Long enough until she leaves.

She is escaping her motherly duties with work

You own 2/3 of the company. You're her boss. If you need to, "buy her out" (whatever that means when you're married) and replace her with an employee. Or just give her a workload that's consistent with her ability to work at home. If you think you're already doing that, then just deal with the fact that you've got a lazy wife who doesn't want to do the housework and either manage it yourself or get attractive enough that she feels the need to keep up. But at the end of the day - keep going back to 1 Cor. 7:29.

By the way: if you didn't have a wife right now, would you be getting in better shape in the hope of attracting hot girls? If so, why are you doing any different right now? Live a motivated life, not a placated one.

[–]redwall922 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

My wife would call herself an unbeliever now. We were married and went to church together for 15 years; then crap hit the fan in several ways, and she deconverted.

We talk often these days about the toxicity of Christianity as we knew it growing up. Honestly ... she can say whatever she wants to say. Some days she feels "safe" talking about things with me; some days she doesn't. That's on her.

I try often to communicate to her that I want her to be free to choose her own path in life. I have certain beliefs that can speak to that. And she is very familiar with them ... having had those beliefs as her own for the first 35 years of her life.

But since she has rejected those beliefs ... it's kind of an odd dance for us. We've got 5 kids. So the dance is even more complex.

But hey ... it's still a dance. Either sit on the sidelines or join in. That's what I say.

How long is long enough?

Long enough for what? Her to "get saved"? Her to want to have sex with you? Her to want to desire you? Her to tell you how to live your own life?

What are you asking here?

I just dont see her ever accepting my spirituality or the life I want to now build. What do I do with her?

Uh ... this is RP here, right? What are you "supposed" to do with your wife? What do YOU think you are "supposed" to do with your wife?

Ask yourself the questions, man. We can't answer the questions for you. Live your own life.

Now ... that said ... I've been going on three years where my wife has not been interested in being my wife. Actively at times. Overtly at times.

And I've been working hard on the 'you do you' mentality. It's a mantra for me. If I find myself doing something, and at the root of my choice to do that something I find I am trying to get a change out of her ... then that's a red flag for me. I don't want to be doing things in order to get my wife to change.

If she wants to change, she'll change. I mean ... come on man. Do you really want a wife that enjoys you in all sorts of ways just because you jumped through the right hoops? Or do you want a wife who enjoys you because of who you are?

Well .. be who you are. And up your game because that's who you are. This is RP. Can't change the women. Change the men.

In the past year or so I have told my wife overtly that I will not leave parts of me dead just because she's not interested in those parts of me. Call it active dread if you want. But weirdly ... she is responding in a good way and taking steps towards the relationship some days.

Do you have needs? If so, then what are you going to do? Sit around and complain that a woman isn't doing her job?

To sum up .... YOU DO YOU.

[–]LinkRod[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sharing your situation with your wife (regarding faith) is plenty, thanks for that.

Also about lifting; I have been holding this view that since the business is overbooked I have to work the night shift to fix it. It is also my oppinion that no customer would really expect me to work as hard as I do (7am to 7pm in the workshop, after dinner paperwork up to 11pm).

I am contradicting myself.

So I realise now (as you have challenged my position) that the idea that I have to work the night shift is her frame in a disguise. For years I have been talking about cutting back the work hours and how there are more important things than work, yet I have been doing the opposite!

I’m reaching to a friend about the gym right now.

[–]Deep_Strength2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Here's the real question:

  • Is God your master or is she your master?

I'd suggest obeying God, despite if it sows discord in the relationship. Obviously, you should not be adversarial about it. Go to Church and Bible study. Invite your family along. Be kind and compassionate about it. Don't get angry or impatient.

Model Jesus for your family, and God can start to use you to influence them over time. Does it always work out? No. But it gives God room to work.

[–]Rifleshoot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stats???? (This is important if you want good advice)

As far as your wife and her faith, that is between her and Christ. You can make the introduction, but you can't make her love Christ. Find a good church, then start attending regularly with your kids. Your wife can stay home if she likes, or she can go. Either way, it doesn't affect you (outcome independence). Build the life you say you want to build. Make that your goal, find out how to accomplish it, then make it happen. Believe it or not, you don't need your wife's permission to go to church or a bible study. Go by yourself if you have to. You are conditioning your own actions based off of the actions of your wife: that is living reactively, which is the exact definition of living in someone else's frame. You need to choose what YOU want to do and be PROACTIVE in doing those things, which is the definition of building your own frame. She can decide to enter into that frame or she can stay in her own. You can't force her in, all you can do is build a frame that she might enjoy living in.

Like redwall92 said, you need to LIFT and get into shape. Lifting has numerous benefits beyond aesthetics. You have more energy to get work done, you have more testosterone which makes you more confident which makes you a better husband, father, business owner, etc. You'll be stronger and happier overall. Diet and lose fat as well. There are numerous diets that will get you to where you want to be. You just need to pick one that you can stick with and then do it. I personally recommend looking into keto and intermittent fasting, but that's just what's working for me.

[–]Praexology0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Then I found RP. I can see now how to start fixing things but I’m concerned with my wife. I just dont see her ever accepting my spirituality or the life I want to now build. What do I do with her?

What do you mean? You lead her in your marriage, and hopefully part of leading her in your marriage will lead her to Christ.

I know the Bible tells me to pray for her but in all these years she never was genuinely interested in meeting my needs. How long is long enough?

Long enough until what? Divorce? Until either of you die or she leaves you.

She never was genuinely interested in meeting my needs.

Why does she have so much control over your satisfaction in life? Don't live for her. If you have spent any amount of time on Red Pill (even secular red pill) You will learn pedistalizing her will lead you to dismay.

We have kids and all I really want is to build a functional family with her. She is escaping her motherly duties with work and the kids are at the grandma’s house all the time.

Your first objective is to learn how to operate your ship - even without a firstmate.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ha, I was just writing in another thread about how my mom's family finally converted. I had an aunt who prayed for her husband for 40 years. He was not a very nice person. He gave her a hard time about going to church but she went, so I guess he didn't outright forbid it. I know she prayed for him the whole time.

He finally got saved. The funny part was that he went on being kind of a jerk, just a saved one. He looked down on anyone who wasn't a Christian, which was hilarious considering his own track record! But I think he was kinder to my aunt. And, well, he got saved! No one could have ever seen that coming ...

So ya just never know.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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