I fucking hate my life and I hate all of you.

I've been redpilled since 17. There was never any issue with me. I'm short, cynical and ethnic. I had no illusions about how women worked. I noticed how the pretty women didn't want to fuck me, and I didn't want to fuck the ugly women who did.

Since 16 or 17 I've had no illusions about trying to do any right by women. I just wanted them for sex, I never wanted to have a girlfriend. I started lifting, watching pua shit, trying to dress better.

Well guess what. Now I'm 24 and I've still never had sex with a woman. I don't hate women, I hate what I am, and I hate the world around me.

Red pill is one of the most useless and psychologically pathetic places on the internet. Every single one of you, every single one of us is a loser. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be on a fucking internet forum talking about women. This is the same subreddit where I see guys blubbering about how their fucking wife left them then they turned red pill. I respect these guys cause at least they're honest. Then I see the same men prance around like they've never been vulnerable in their life, spitting some camp macho Gay Lube Oil vision of masculinity, and you expect me to respect you? You've got Slavic spergs like Vasiliy Zaitsev inventing James Bond personas for themselves and you guys gobble that shit up. But you don't see how exaggerated it really is.

You guys are pathetic fragile men wounded by prior vulnerabilities. Maybe I'm projecting but we are all honestly the same. There is no mention here of seeing women like people. No mention of fucking joy. This is one of the most depressing places. You guys are so emotionally scarred that you pretend like you can never share any vulnerabilities with women. That's sad. Because sooner or later you will get so lonely and give up. No one can spin plates forever. Who will take care of you when you're sick. Eventually your mommy dies. Your bros won't do that shit for you. You'll have to become blue pilled again eventually. I know that. That's why you guys all go into long term relationships and simp after these girlfriends, after a lil time fucking whores.

This subreddit is fucking pathetic, you guys don't have the answers.

The reason I am a virgin is pretty simple. I don't want to fuck the women who want to have sex with me. In some ways though it's more complicated. I have impossibly high standards because my pride is so wounded. I can't stand not having lived up to that image of perfect masculinity. The guy who was jacked in high school and fucked women then. I don't want to "cash out my chips" so to speak by fucking an ugly, because then it becomes all real. Why can't I fuck hot women? Well I'm not that attractive. I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to have the alpha personality to compensate for my short and ethnic looks insecurities, but I realized that was the wrong route. It just made me look like more of a loser, a jizzed up, fucking sperg. My anxieties and personal hangups make it impossible to talk to women in a genuine way.

Why not lift? I can't fucking do it. I hate it, my pride won't allow me to do it. I've tried, it went no where. I lifted for years, but I just don't have the genetics for it. And my joints ruined by years of anxiety, my muscular imbalances are out of control. I'd tried to get physical therapy for my body (to be clear I"m not a fatass, I weigh less than most women), but it took too long and was too expensive. But at the end of the day, it's just not what I want. I really don't want to be jacked that much.

I don't want to have any fucking vulnerability. Really, what I want to do is rape women. Obviously I wouldn't do it you idiots, but that's what I want to do. That's my fantasy. Go full epstein. Obviously I wouldn't do it. Because I can't. But also because I am not able to maintain this psychopathic rage. I'm fucking human at the end of the day. And I'm too scared. And I know I'd regret it. But it's what i want to do.

And I can't tell my therapist about it. He's gay --literally a homosexual, a fucking libtard, nice guy but what does he know? He's like the rest of reddit. But you guys are spergatrons who really aren't full people on this forum. I have no doubt that you guys aren't like this full 24/7. You go back to your daily lives where you're vulnerable with your "plates" you're vulnerable with your bros, but you aren't vulnerable on here, because when you od that, you fucking get ripped to shreds by some sperg pretending like he's an alpha sex god.

This whole place is fucking pathetic. I hate myself, I hate all of you. The only release (temporary) is mindfulness. I realize that all of the whole world is fake. No one is really better than me.

They've just been given opportunties and gifts through genetics, circumstance, etc. We have no free will. WE are just cogs in a machine grinding itself into oblivion.

I'm not as much of a loser as you think. Iamverysmart TM. I'm in one of the top engineering schools in world. And I know I am destined for greatness on some level. My fantasy is that i can amass money and power and use that to hurt people while making myself feel better. But it's all a massive joke.

I hope every day that something will change in me. I won't be this anxious fucking mess anymore, this hateful person, this envious person, this egostical rigid self loathing self pitying piece of shit, but the hope isn't doing it.

I already know you'll rip me up in the comments, and I don't give a shit.

I don't know where to go from here. Do I talk about my skinny asian roommate who's fucking better than me cause he had two ugly girlfriends? Do I talk about my friends, who I used to consider losers but now they are fucking women and I'm happy for them but also hate myself for falling behind? Do I talk about my sexually repressed family and toxic relationship with my mommy (BABY wants to FUCKKKK) whom I can't cut fully off because that would be insane and also that's where all my tuition comes. My darling gay little brother who is the one person I truly love the most in this world? I don't know what to do man.

Am I a closeted bisexual? A transgender? I don't fucking know man.

"You need to be more grateful." No shit we all do.

Whatever though, it is what it is. Love you all. Ciao.