Dear RPW,

I'm in a dilemma. I don't know how to start. But let's say I've known this man for almost a year. I went to live with him to get to know him. Whenever we fight, at least he's very good with English words and I'm not and I stutter a lot, and he says it's over, I go back to dating site that night and refresh my profile. Then came the next day, and then he is good to me again until the next fight and I do it again. I'd say this go on like maybe three to five times even tho we fight more often.

I'm naive and he is good with words. He already told me like after maybe 3 months or even earlier that he is only interested in doing business with women that jncludes me and not relationship. I think he is afraid of relationshipbecause of women suuing him for money so he doesn'twant to put a label on anyone. But because I am in love it wouldn't sink in to my brain whenever he is good to me again. Whenever I go back to at least a night of few exchange of texting or just seeing the views of my profile increasing in dating app, it's bland because my heart is not there so I close them. So I don't find men nor looking for one seriously when I'm in there, I just go there and revel on the "likes" or just to talk and pour life problems. Was I cheating? When in the beginning there was no relationship?

He tells me I'm a slut because I keep on taking freebies but Istill go on dating sites he said. I lived in his house for free for like 6 months for free, then I started renting (after getting punished, like doing pushups just becauseI tried to defend myself from getting asked where a pillow was in one of his rental rooms that I was helping in preparing and I don't know where because to begin with there were only those number of pillows). I stopped going to dating sites after this. I'm just tired. He would take me to dinner, buy groceries and I cook for him all the time before I started renting. I want to ask if I were a slut for doing this? When in the first place I was never a gf? I find it just dating and that as a man he was trying to impress? If Im not a slut then I should stop accepting that's what he said.

Now, I'm renting. And yes, we sometimes get physical too and yes I keep on forgetting there was no relationship to begin with. In my opinion he talks to a lot of women all over he world in his phone because he is a coach, I don't know if he flirted with them, he sends money to them too (he told me) because he can and he talks about and to his exes. So I thought it's normal for people we dated to know of our whereabouts because I "think" he is doing that anyway. He adds suggested wimen on FB so I followed too. Now at one point I told him that I told a man I dated one time before him, that I'm in the area.

This man wanted to meet me but I declined. This now landlord and (bf?) told me, why not tell him I have a bf? Then I'm confuse....really confuse...to people where they can see here I'm like a gf? But to his social media, where a lot of women in his circle he won't and just tell them I'm nice to be around with. I know this because Ive met one of the women.

I've been true to at least myself that regardless what this man do, work or flirt with girls in his phone, I will be good to my God at least. He uses the word of God too inspite of him not religious but he follows some philosophies.

Im a very jealous and possessive woman. I couldn't stop giving joking remarks sometimes or when I feel sad and points that he talks to a lot of women. And I ask of women liking his posts. Like I feel, why am I not talking to men too? But I couldn't because I "feel" im in a relationship, so i go talk to my brother instead. And sometimes want him to think I'm talking to other dudes when I'm writing a diary onnmy phone. So childish of me.

I still cook for him, did my groceries and includes him and then clean his rental house. To him the value doesn't matter because he can get a caretaker for that. And if I clean he said I only clean the areas Im using so it's not really helping. I'm renting at this moment.

Recently, we had a fight and I jokingly remarked about his talking to women on his phone . I did push ups as a punishment and then we talked. This time it has sinked in because I finally hear those right words im dreadingvto hear "you're not my girlfriend anyway so what if I talk to women".. ouch this should not be surprising right?. But now I really am giving distance. I love him to my definition of love but to him loving is following his philosophies and do business with him, yes that's a more conservative way and Iknowthis from readjng a book Fascinating woman. I understand that I don't want to give attention to his business because I'm a student too and I am struggling. He did suggest ways to help me cope and I followed some. He said I sleep too much but I just feel tired most times and i should have used my energy to his biz. I'm resistant to following all of his philosophies prolly coz im thinking of his other women and that this relationship is confusing, I do follow some and hebis teaching me about life. I don't know why I cling to him. He says because I'm like that, jumping from one man to another (referring to that past going to dating site after a fight and telling that guy im in the area, and this guy tho i rejected to meet him again, sent me a handwritten letter that I haven't read and I don't know where.) I'm confuse because I'm not his gf, then why would it bother him? He says he is not jealous and will never give his heart. I am stupid for clinging, like I want to grow old with this man, but he doesn't see it that way anyway. So silly of me. I should move on I suppose and be far as much as possible. Even tho he tells me men like him are very scarce in this world. I'm living jn a fantasy thinking at some point he would like me. That his hugs til now are true but I don't want to give a lot of weight on the hugs or anything anymore as much as I can. I like it but i thjnk that to him it's useless anyway when he can get hugs from other women.

I know RPW i have some serious self-esteem issues. I like relationships a lot but I haven't been in a long term until this one. But I don't know if it's good to me. He is a 4th man I've been intimate with and prolly one of the things I couldn't let go is I'm tired of looking and I'm afraid of fucking another one. I'd like to settle nybsoul. prolly just stay single. I don't look bad but he is so handsome that a lot of girls just wants to be with him. To him looks aren't important, it's the brain he wants. But it's too late now I suppose no matter if I change.

I am absentminded and since im not used to labor and im not careful with some of his things like his car not thinking of cleaning a car. Then he calls me a retard, dumb or cunt etc. It's my fault so I accept it. I'm verg bad at communicating too and prefers to keep things or do it myself so he has a problem with that. I'm divorced eith a child and he is single since. Anyway, I wrote a lot. Im just pouring myself here sorry for that long talk. I may not have said everything. I'm okay for now, I will stay pure to myself and to God regardless of what he thinks of me. There are not a lof questions really on here just your thoughts.