I'm in my early 30s. I recently got out of an LTR (6 years!). My gf was the type that made LTRs worth it: huge amount of respect and admiration for me, loved playing taking the carer role, great at sex, at least equal my 'league' in looks. But I cheated, took my own depression out on her, pressured her into an abortion which left her emotionally scarred and announced my intention to return to my home country without any clear plans for her to follow. Knowing that she was neglected and not being promised a future, she ended up cheating on me with this italian dude she met once at a concert and randomly start talking to her on social media. They're now 'together' she tells me. I feel like i just missed perhaps the only opportunity I'll ever had to construct a family with someone id be proud to call the mother of my children.

My career has also been a failure. I invested time (my whole 20s basically) and energy into something I find (and continue to find) meaningful, but which, for a variety of reasons, hasn't yet materialized into a steady career with security. At 32, i'm feeling the pressure more than ever to make it viable. It will be, but it means doing (yet another!) degree back in my home country and starting from a level most people start at at 21.

I feel like I'm losing faith in myself by the month: I feel old, I don't feel that energy, that excitement, that hope that I can achieve what I want, the horizon of my possibilties has shrunk, fear more than anything else motivates me now. I feel my mind has turned to mush because of essentially spending the past year depressed and relatively isolated in lockdown.

I don't need any theories or advice even. I'm just looking to hear from guys who have been in similar emotional and existential situations and could help me not feel so alone in all this, and also perhaps give me some perspective.

  • I studied philosophy in Europe and ended up teaching english/philosophy.