Summary: A man tolerates abusive women, marries one, almost loses EVERYTHING in the divorce, but ultimately learns to have some self-respect.

Christopher Titus is an American comedian who became popular after his first one-man show in 2004. His comedy is heavily influenced by his tumultuous personal life, and regardless of whether or not you enjoy his style of humor, there is a lot to learn from his history-- specifically in his first and third shows. If you thought your blue-pill behavior was shameful, take solace in the fact that you probably weren't this bad. To fully understand his behavior, we must first examine his parents.

His mother

Chris's mother killed one of her husbands. The story goes that the husband came home to find that Thanksgiving dinner wasn't ready yet, so he threw the turkey at her. She retaliated by dumping a boiling pot of potatoes on him. He responded by beating her face. She then went upstairs, got his gun, came back down, and shot him (three times) and killed him. Not only was she acquitted of murder by the court, but she got the husband's $100,000 life insurance policy.

  • Lesson: Don't beat your wife, for one. But also, women can get away with murder if they are seen as the victim. She could have chosen to walk away or call the cops, but instead chose to kill the man-- and was rewarded for it. Men are expendable.

His father

Chris's depiction of his father, Ken, is that of a natural alpha-- a man who had no problems getting laid, enjoyed financial stability, and was charismatic. One of the stories Chris tells goes thusly:

Ken blamed the first of his four heart attacks on Chris, who'd borrowed a part from Ken's boat engine to fix his car - without telling Ken, who was so angry at finding his beloved boat vandalized that he had a coronary.

"I got to the hospital and people are going, "Nice job, trying to kill your dad!' I said, "What?' They said, "You messed with his boat!' I said, "Hey, you think it might've been the 30 years of smoking and drinking and womanizing that might've contributed to it?' "No, it was because you took a part off his boat.' They all got sucked in by him. My dad is a hard-ass, but he's charming. He's a salesman; you can't be a jerk and be a salesman."

He was a man who did what made him happy, but was also respectable:

"He never missed a beer in his life, or a joint, or a party, or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry although he did a couple times so I wouldn't".

All this from an alcoholic, chain-smoking man who was married and divorced 5 times.

  • Lesson: Focus on yourself. Develop your charisma to pull others into your frame. Become so financially stable that losing half of everything you own five times doesn't destroy you.

The conception

Chris once asked his father, Ken, to tell him about the night he was conceived. Ken explained how, three months after the divorce, his ex-wife called him up and wanted to see him 'one more time'. So he goes over and they start to have sex, and "In the middle of it, her new boyfriend, this little reporter guy she's dating, starts banging on the front door. 'Nina, why you doing this to me? Why you doing this to me?' [....] So I start screaming as loud as I can. 'That's the way you want it, girl, isn't it? Yeah, that's what a real man feels like. [...] I finished up, zipped my shirt and my fly, and I walked the hell out of there. As I walked past the front door, he was standing there crying. So I got to do your mom one last time, and I made her new boyfriend cry."

  • Lesson: Alpha fucks, meek sensitive boyfriend gets cucked.

Chris's Story (the main story)

Ken loved his kids and provided for them (he fought and gained full custody), but never gave them positive reinforcement. This caused Chris to have low self-esteem and hate his father. He wanted to be nothing like him, and so he became the opposite of a confident asshole alpha: he became a meek supplicating beta. He stayed in physically and verbally abusive relationships with women. He would submit to their every request. He would try to diffuse their anger by giving them chocolate, as he says, "I started to carry around Twix in a holster". He would get beaten up by his girlfriend, then apologize to her. He eventually moved in with one of his abusive girlfriends. He said that he had "one good day" where he "didn't get punched in the face.... before 6pm...". Here he talks about the time he got punched in the face several times, called the cops, and got arrested.

  • Lesson: Don't tolerate any form of disrespect, especially physical abuse. Also, don't call the cops about domestic abuse, because the man is always assumed to be the guilty party.

Six months into his new relationship with a new girlfriend, they have a fight and she breaks up with him. He then has rebound sex with a waitress. Ex-girlfriend finds out and hell breaks loose. Despite the fact that SHE broke up with HIM, HE was the slut for having sex with somebody else. He predictably apologizes profusely, throwing affection and gifts at her to make amends. Then he finds out that she also slept with somebody else during the breakup. So not only did she leave Chris to fuck somebody new, she's a hypocrite who expected her ex-boyfriend to wait for her.

  • Lesson: AWALT, branch-swinging. Also, maintain frame. Chris did NOTHING wrong when he slept with the waitress, but said about the incident that, "I have never been so stone-cold busted in my life". He keeps using the word, "cheating" to describe his behavior, as if he had an obligation to remain faithful to a woman who dumped him.

Don't worry though--- they make peace and he marries her. Yes, he marries this woman. In his first album, Chris is prideful about his marriage, calling his wife 'perfect and amazing'. "We've been married for thirteen years", he proclaims to the audience, which responds with raucous applause. But by the third album, his tone has changed dramatically. The album, titled "Love is Evol" goes into lengthy detail about the divorce and how terrible it was. He acknowledges that he has stayed in the abusive relationship because he was afraid that she was "the best [I was] ever gonna do". He wanted so badly to have that Disney-style romance that he would ignore obvious flaws. He describes the later years of the marriage, how he capitulated to his wife's requests to cut out family members she didn't like, how she berated him on suspicions of infidelity. How she threatened him with a knife and said things like, "I wish you would kill yourself, like your mother and your sister did!", but they "made peace" and resumed normal life. He tolerates all of this until he makes a terrible discovery that he confesses to his audience:

Christopher Titus: She was seeing two other guys, I found out. Yeah. One guy was sixty years old.

[disgusted moans from the audience]

Christopher Titus: But he had $20 million.

[applause and laughter]

Christopher Titus: Wow, you bunch of whores. Really?

And Chris had just bought her a boob-job and plastic surgery! He suddenly realized: "she was putting fresh meat on a new hook".

  • Lessons: Where to begin? The concept of "Soul-mates/True Love" is bullshit.
  • Don't tolerate terrible behavior.
  • If your partner is constantly accusing you of infidelity, chances are good that THEY are unfaithful.
  • If a woman suddenly starts to improve herself, she's looking to branch-swing.

He finds out that his wife is whoring around and files for divorce. But California is a no-fault state, which means that even though she cheated on him, all the assets are split 50-50. Even worse, she proceeds to falsely claim that Chris was physically abusive to her and the children. She does this because, if she can convince the judge, she would get awarded 100% of the assets and full custody of the kids.

  • Lesson: Never get married. You think you found your unicorn? So did Chris. He was convinced for years that she was 'the one'. But after thirteen years of content marriage, she became (in his words) "a demon slithering from the fiery depths of Satan's anus".

The aftermath

The divorce took five years to finalize and cost Chris roughly $2,000,000 in alimony and legal fees. He describes the divorce as the worst thing that ever happened to him, driving him to the brink of suicide. The physical abuse charge didn't stick, and he currently shares joint custody of their two kids. She was not punished for making the fraudulent claim.

Chris finds a new woman, dates her for five years, and gets remarried. "I finally got my Starbucks order (made just for me)," he jokes. "I have found my ice cream truck! I feel like an astronaut!" he exclaims. It might seem that Chris is falling into the same exact trap as before, but he has at least learned to love himself, and he ends his act with the following advice:

(Lesson Learned) If you're in an unhappy relationship, "grab your stuff, get in your car, and drive away. Leave them with the check and your furniture and get on with your life, and be happy because you don't. get. a rebate. There's 3 billion men out there, 3 billion women out there, and if you're bisexual you have NO EXCUSE to not be happy"