I think I managed to save ship, I didn't get devastated. My oneitis was 1000x stronger earlier. But I was prepared for this, poly unstable chick. It's kind of a lose-lose because I would never want an exclusive relationship (I'm only 20, it'd feel like marriage) but not being exclusive means... I'm getting cucked? Having feelings for a girl who's banged on the side is being a cuck no?

Anyways what happened was that she was supposed to come to my place before curfew, she didn't, she got drunk and ended up at another place ( getting drunk here was acceptable in the context that she had her some shit going on in her life). it's still blatant disrespect because she told me that only after curfew and only after I texted her, which means i couldn't make other plans. This is a soft next for me, of course. I get dissapointed, I get hurt, but soft nexting allows me to focus on my own life.

I also felt such a relief in some way, because when she sent me a text that she got drunk, I knew she was going to get fucked. So I gave up. No more needing to worry whether it'll happen. Whoosh.

So after the soft next ended I sent her a message to come over, she told me she "slept with somebody else" so there goes another. I bring a girl over that night. When she found out she lost her shit completely.

My experience with this girl (1 year of intimacy) has been like a personal RP coach showing me everything. Feeling extremely disappointed in women, but I love the feminine so much. Can't wait for me to accept the female nature for both it's amazing and horrible sides, so I don't try to expect only the former but get devastated when the latter manifests.

What are the next steps? It's quarantine time so I'm especially vulnerable and susceptible to beta needy simping. At first I didn't felt hurt but I think it was just a closed heart. I honestly thought that I could just not get hurt by having abundance. Plus I can't control her actions, plus female nature. But nevetheless, now my heart is being torn apart by everything that happened.