I'd like to talk [Revised Post]

Hello.

Last week I posted on here asking if I could talk about things in my life with people on here, however I didn't give out any details and was hoping that someone would reach out over PM (someone did - thank you). Took on board the comments and have been studying RPC sidebar stuff this week as much I've been able to. Anyway, I will detail everything I can now, in as simple and concise a way I can fashion. Forgive me if it gets long, but I'd appreciate some direction, hopefully it's compelling enough for you to read the whole thing. Questions will be in bold and tl;dr at the end.

Let's start with stats. As per post rules.

Me. 20M. 15% BF. 5'10". 83kg. Lifts: 90kg Bar Squat, 60kg Bench, 80kg Deadlift. Doing Stronglifts 5x5, 3 times per week (was before Coronavirus, tips for muscle building home workouts??). Training some additional MMA + Royal Marines program. Eczema/allergy sufferer since birth.

Finances:

Industrial Design Student at best design university in UK/world, averaging a 1st. Good future prospects (more on that later) with plenty of job prospects. Debt is UK Student loans (usual) only. No credit cards, not overdrawn, no personal loans/debts. Income is on/off (freelance designer).

Reading:

As I'm new to all this, not a great deal but have read 'defining red pill for christians', 'plate theory' '100's (not all of them yet)' 'dealing with oneitis (briefly)'. As much as I could in one week.

Spiritual:

Pretty mature, I have some small bad habits but ironing those out as best I can. I have never been a slouch by any means, always committed and do everything with conviction. I share my faith with those I trust at the moment as I'm just beginning my real walk. Have been a Christian my whole life. I now pray every day. Have a lot of quiet time (currently in monk mode and focusing solely on self improvement for a good while coronavirus is going on). I listen to bible audiobook every night until I fall asleep.

The Issue.

I'll keep it simple and I'll begin where it all started to go wrong for me.

It all went downhill when I discovered my SO was and had cheated on me the week before my birthday (November), about 7mo into the relationship. We were in an LDR (2hrs drive). Thought she was different. Said that she would never ever do it. What followed was a progressively worse and heart shredding experience which I will probably never forget.

A bit about her: HB 9-10 (in my eyes) and naturally beautiful in all ways. Has a history of sexual abuse (on her), suicidal thoughts and failed attempts as a result. Generally was insecure about her body etc. Kept saying she wasn't good enough for me and never thought she'd have someone like me. Family (has a strange dynamic now thinking about it) has a history of cheating (wife cheated on husband at young age + still together and her brother cheated on his ex now split up) which I found out after she did it to me. We used to go to school together a long time ago (we knew each other and then reconnected over social media, then entered the relationship. So quite a bit of history). Lost my V to her (I held out for the one I thought was right after turning down many in the past), she lost her V at 15 (said she regretted it). We talked a lot about the possibility of kids/marriage etc and we were both really into each other, like it was really meant to be, at least so I thought.

How it all came crashing down. After spending most of the summer together which was bliss and pretty close to perfect, we returned to Uni and naturally I had a slight concern of cheating but didn't let the thoughts get the better of me. I started opening up to her about my issues with Eczema/started to take a lead on getting better and recovering my health. I'd take a lead and see her every week/fortnight, never limited her from doing what she wanted. She liked going for walks by herself, on one of the walks she meets the guy she eventually cheated on me with. All the walks subsequently were to meet him (I didn't know) and they eventually 'kissed by the lake' but to this day I still don't believe her. Found out all this by following my gut and going through her phone as I knew she was not herself, or at least the person I once knew. She tried to flip it onto me, and admittedly I had made a couple of errors in my eyes, but I corrected them. She accused me of cheating on her (which never happened, and never will) increasingly while she was doing it herself, and she thought our relationship was 'toxic' and 'over' and 'I wasn't there for her' as reasoning for cheating. She said she made a big mistake. Anyway after lots of tears on her part (and mine before I confronted her, she was at my place sleeping in my bed) I gave in to my emotions and stayed with her hoping to work it out, as this was what she said she wanted. She deleted the guy from everything (so I think but who knows). Then it all kind of continued as normal, I brushed a lot of my emotions/mistrust/hurt under the carpet and carried on. In retrospect it was all the classic signs (shorter replies etc.) and red flags I had missed/ignored. This is where my self guilt factors in a lot.

November passes through, not bad but not amazing either, just normal. I made more effort (error) as I felt I had to prove myself to her as I'd almost been manipulated to think that by her (error). This was uncharted waters for me, I had never been in such a situation. Neither had she. Constantly telling me that she felt like she'd never get my trust back, or that she wasn't doing enough to do so. I dug deep and forgave her with whatever bits of my heart I had left, but admitted that trust would need a lot of work. Sex life never really suffered, we had some issues but worked around them and I worked to improve my own personal performance and fitness. Went on lots of date nights etc. I did a lot even though I did no wrong (I cringe so hard now thinking about it).

December comes and we're meant to go on holiday to her country for xmas and see her family (I had already met them before). The night before we go, she cries a lot, I leave her alone for a bit as she told me to. Go back in and work an answer out of her. Found out she wanted to be 'selfish' with her family and life out there. Also said she 'didn't get butterflies like she used to' with me. I suggested to break up and I'd go now/not join her on the holiday. She cried a lot more and said 'No' a lot. I said I need to think for a bit. I did. Her: 'I really love our dates and stuff' etc blah blah. Again I gave in and said, We'll try to make this work. Have some make up sex and it all seemed to be back to normal, even though inside I was a total mess. To not interfere with her family life I took a bit of a back seat when we got there (to hers). She said my attitude was poor, even though I was totally broken, running on no sleep (20+hrs of travelling). Eczema flares up (stress induced allergy) while I'm out there, bought some cream from pharmacy, told her it was getting better. Her: 'only because you spent a load of money on that cream' in a very derogatory tone. For those that don't have eczema, it is a very big struggle, with image and all. Her mum told me 'oh you can't let it (eczema) affect you', as I went to apologise for my 'poor attitude'. Caught my SO talking about me behind my back to her brother/best friend in the room next to me. Slowly chipping away at whatever bits of heart I had left. Long story short, I was meant to be there for 3 weeks but was told to go home by her after being there for 4 days as she initiated a break.

I went home, alone, extremely depressed, broken emotionally and had no feeling of value or anything. Empty. I tried to keep a brave face for my family when I went back but was a wreck underneath. Christmas ruined, New Years ruined. I did not make a single attempt to contact her, only let her contact me which she did, sent lots of mixed signals and that was it. 'You talk about your skin too much' (can accept) 'I don't feel appreciated sexually' (how this is possible, don't know, despite complementing, improve my game etc) 'I don't have much interest in you emotionally or sexually' 'I want to be myself' 'I want to live my young life' 'I felt suffocated' (can accept, but never limited her) followed by lots of 'I don't knows'. But then saying 'I miss the old us' etc. A lot of this would have been totally avoided had she communicated so much better in the beginning. Note; I have been clear with intentions etc from the beginning. Ultimately I blame myself for a lot of this. Post new year, I doubt my entire self worth, mission, identity, and life. Suicidal thoughts ensued. She gaslighted me about her jacket (I know right). All the while I was totally paranoid about her cheating on me while we were on the break, I analysed the entire relationship and worked on myself a lot. End of the break arrives and I initiate talk of the relationship and that I was willing to work on it if she was. Nope. Told her I can't continue like this, didn't want to be 'friends' or anything platonic, if she changed her mind then get back in touch, wished her well and goodbye (all happened over text as she didn't want to phone). Or so I thought. Two weeks later she's back in touch. Asks how I feel about everything. Told her the truth, I was willing to work on it if she was. Her: 'I feel like a lot of time would have been wasted otherwise'. Ask her to meet up, but she's too busy. Said get back in touch when she figured out her schedule.

Now I'm trying to move on at this point, as best I can but I'm still in love. But all of the thoughts of the cheating etc were coming back, even though we were broken up. Vivid flashbacks, like PTSD flashbacks. Everything I saw reminded me of her. I went clubbing with some friends one night as I felt kind of ready (Start of February-ish). Wrong. Being in that environment caused me to lose it completely and I attempted suicide that night, unbeknownst to everyone around me, no one would have known and I felt some comfort in that. All of this I had been through (and issues in my own family) had surmounted to this. I was ready to die, and was almost totally comfortable with that. I felt a presence around me though, while I was sitting at my desk, with a knife pressed into my chest, which I was gripping with white knuckled. Something was whispering in my ear to think about this seriously now and fight. I felt the knife drift away from my chest and my grip loosened. The knife dropped to the floor. I kid you not, I felt some pressure on my left shoulder, like a pat on the back. I looked down at my crucifix I was wearing (I always wear one now), and I realise it was Him. I burst into tears of happiness. He had another, better plan for me. But I did not know how it would play out. I gave my life to Him in that moment.

Following that, I set out the war path to my healing to glorify God. My ex came back to me again soon after asking how I was doing, if I was seeing someone else ( I was playing it cool with this new strength and she was having none of it, started getting angry at the prospect I might be seeing someone) I suggested to meet up and talk, see what happens, but again she was too busy. Suggested some different times etc but no. So that was that, again, so I thought. Comes back again, Said she hoped my family was okay with the virus (Grandparents are Italian). Some loose chit chat back and forth. I tested the waters again by bringing up a happy memory together from our summer holiday, was met with 'the way you looked at me was a bit of a turn off' (not how it went at all, don't know how this is possible either) basically just finding the bad out of something good. I said it would be interesting to see what would happen between us now (2months post breakup). Her: 'Nothing would', I ask why, 'I've met someone' 'It's nothing but I'm really happy'. It was like another break up all over again. I told her 'Nice' 'I'm glad' and 'Well, I know where I stand' to which she said 'doesn't mean anything' to which I asked what she meant by saying that... no reply.

Anyway, I take this as a sign that I need to move on from God. My questions are now how do I put all of this behind me? How do I begin to find comfort in myself again and build my frame back up to even better than it once used to be? So many questions like this. Also there is a lot of self guilt, regret and various other things that cross my mind e.g. what could I have done, could I have done this better etc. Then there's also stuff like, is he better than me etc. which is all futile to be honest but all these intrusive thoughts are chipping away at me, but I acknowledge them and let them pass, pray and then move forward.

All the while I've kept my training going, built muscle, shaved my head, isolated myself off, stopped using snapchat and Instagram and have focused on my work and my own self improvement, as I want to honour God and his decision to essentially keep me alive. He is my only Judge now. Im trying to slowly let my attachment go, repent my sins and my own mistakes/errors that I thought that I had made in the relationship, and pray that He will show me His will for my life. This is my monk mode, and I fully intend to come out after it (and coronavirus) a properly improved version of myself. That is how I will honour God. I have a lot to prove to him. When I'm ready I will start spinning some plates again. But my main focus is rediscovering my mission, reinventing myself and being the absolute best I can be, now that I have experienced all of this in the short space of 6 months.

How do I really make the most of this time? I can't help but think that maybe she will come back again, but I know that I will not make any attempt to reconcile, unless it comes from her first. But also I may never hear from her again, and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with that. What if she comes back again? I don't believe in totally burning bridges, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to be 'sloppy seconds'. I am not desperate for external gratification so I know I can hold out, and spend this time purely focusing on me, God, and my relationship and connection with him. I also know I will not make the same Oneitis errors ever again, like a complete rookie.

There are many many more questions that I have, but I don't know if I can ask them all in this post. Anyway, based on what you've read, what guidance/advice would you give to me? I encourage people to be harsh/critical of me etc. if they see it best fit, as this will help me to get better.

tl;dr: I was cheated on by the girl I loved deeply, oversaw the slow and painful demise of a once beautiful relationship and the person I thought I knew. I attempted suicide and I was saved by Him. I am on the war path to healing and improvement to glorify Him. What's the best course of action now? (see last 3 paragraphs).

If you got through all of that, I salute you.

Thank you and God bless you all.