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How to work on not DEERing?

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April 9, 2020
3 upvotes

Realized that this is one my growth areas as I wrote this weeks OYS. Any advice from y’all?


Post Information
Title How to work on not DEERing?
Author SingularityOne198
Upvotes 3
Comments 11
Date 09 April 2020 04:41 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/361744
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/fxvr3q/how_to_work_on_not_deering/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]Deep_Strength4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

DEERing mainly results from a lack of mission, and strong frame regarding that mission.

  • Someone challenges you on why you're doing something
  • DEERing results when if you're not confident about why you're doing it

If you were confident about doing it, then you don't need to defend yourself, explain yourself, make excuses for it, or rationalize why you're doing it (DEER). You're just do it because that's who you are.

Think of this in terms of the Christian walk. If someone asks if you're a Christian, an immature Christian may shy away from it (or otherwise DEER) because he's pretty new to the faith or doesn't want to be embarrassed. Alternatively, a strong and mature Christian would be confident about it to say yes and then proceed to share their faith or ask about their faith in order to connect and possibly share the gospel later.

To flip this to relationships, the main reason why husbands or men DEER to their wives or girlfriends is because they implicitly/explicitly believe their "wife/girlfriend is the boss" like is said in popular culture. If you are the head of the marriage as God has appointed you (Eph 5, 1 Cor 11), then why would you be unconfident about the decisions you make such that you would have to DEER? You wouldn't.

AA, AM, fogging, and other techniques give a reprieve from the pressure, but they don't actually address the core of the issue -- your confidence in who you are in Christ and what you are doing for Him here on the earth. If I'm going to go sit down with men to help them with issues, I just tell me wife "hey, I'm going out with so and so at 6 PM." I don't ask her if it's OK or try to explain or rationalize why I'm going out with him. She already knows that my mission is to help and disciple men.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I think my main problem is doubting my “confidence [of] who [I am] in Christ and what [I am doing] for Him here on the earth.” That’s the part that hit me at my core of this response. All of the problems I am having are coming from a lack of belief in God of who I am in Him. Part of me knows this all intellectually, but part of be doesn’t... and most importantly, the part that I do believer intellectually hasn’t sunken into the heart/spirit of my inner being. How do I reorient myself towards believing this and “knowing” it?

“I believe, help me against unbelief” - Mark 9:24

[–]Deep_Strength0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

All of the problems I am having are coming from a lack of belief in God of who I am in Him. Part of me knows this all intellectually, but part of be doesn’t... and most importantly, the part that I do believer intellectually hasn’t sunken into the heart/spirit of my inner being. How do I reorient myself towards believing this and “knowing” it?

Sounds like you need to drop all the stuff with girls at the moment and focus on this.

No distractions. Just dig into the Word and meditate on Jesus' sacrifice for us. When in doubt, always go back to the cross until it becomes your reality. Faith only comes from knowing God and Jesus and His sacrifice for us.

John 17:1 Jesus spoke these things; and lifting up His eyes to heaven, He said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify Your Son, that the Son may glorify You, 2 even as You gave Him authority over all flesh, that to all whom You have given Him, He may give eternal life. 3 This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. 4 I glorified You on the earth, having accomplished the work which You have given Me to do. 5 Now, Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.

Contrary to popular belief, eternal life is knowing God and Jesus. It's not heaven. And knowing Jesus is know what He did on earth (sacrificed Himself for us) to glorify the father.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Sounds like you need to drop all the stuff with girls at the moment and focus on this.

No distractions. Just dig into the Word and meditate on Jesus' sacrifice for us. When in doubt, always go back to the cross until it becomes your reality. Faith only comes from knowing God and Jesus and His sacrifice for us.

I think you're right. I think I have been filling the void within my heart by focusing on women instead of filling that void with God.

Contrary to popular belief, eternal life is knowing God and Jesus. It's not heaven. And knowing Jesus is know what He did on earth (sacrificed Himself for us) to glorify the father.

So we glorify Christ by crucifying/sacrificing the sin in our lives and acquiring the Holy Spirit/putting on Christ and living in and through Him and bringing heaven to earth in Christ?

[–]Deep_Strength1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. Our identity comes from being at peace (shalom) with Christ because He paid the sacrifice for our sins and bore the wrath of God.

"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God" (Matthew 5) - We are peacemakers to the world by carrying Jesus' mission to make disciples of all nations.

The main "emotional states" that manifest in Christians who are saved and walking in God's will are His peace and joy (fruit of the Spirit). Deep seated peace in the heart which is assurance of salvation and joy for His sacrifice to which both inspire us to walk out Christ's mission.

[–]OsmiumZulu0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

This is where practicing the art of "STFU" comes into play. Most men DEER by default. It takes time for AM, AA, fogging, pressure flips, etc. to become your natural response. Just like a tourniquet won't actually heal a wound, but manages to at least stop the bleeding, STFU keeps you from digging a deeper hole.

The hardest part is to actually catch yourself before you start to DEER. If you can reliably do that, half the battle is won.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

So DEERing is a culmination of NOT doing AA, AM, fogging, pressure flips, etc.?

I may be misunderstanding you here.

[–]OsmiumZulu4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

From the sidebar:

DEER - Defend, Explain, Excuse, Rationalize - From NMMNG and popular psychology literature. These are strategies of dealing with conflict that are unattractive and often off-putting. You are a man. You don't need to defend yourself, explain yourself, make up excuses, or rationalize what you are doing.

Essentially, if a woman (or anyone really) is being contentious about something you said or did, the wrong thing to do is to try and defend your decision, explain why you did something, offer excuses, or try to rationalize it. Doing so only grants the assumption that you did something wrong or worth defending. It puts you in their frame because you are qualifying yourself or your actions to them. As the definition above says, you are a man. You don't need to defend yourself to just anyone.

The better response is to use amused mastery ("I think it's cute that you get worked up over little details like this."), agree and amplify ("Damn. You caught me! I was planning on invading Russia in the winter which is why I picked up the extra pair of socks. Now I'm going to have to settle for invading your pants..."), fog ("... earlier this week you mentioned something unrelated to the drama") or you pressure flip ("No. You go buy me a drink.") etc. etc. Each of these responses demonstrates that you are confident in yourself and your actions and that the complaint isn't even worth giving a real response.

These sort of responses are often not our natural way of communicating since most of us grew up in a feminized beta male culture. They should be practiced until they become natural, but until then your best bet is to STFU and mitigate the damage that DEERing does.

[–]redwall922 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

No. DEERing is not the absence of something in particular. STFU is the easiest way to prevent DEERing from taking place.

As a step towards not DEERing ... trying saying everything you want to say with as few words as possible. Take emails as an example. Open up your last few emails and read them out loud. See if you can say the same thing in fewer words; actually type it out in fewer words; be ruthless with your words. If this is a new concept to you, you will most likely be able to cut out over 50% of the words in your email. This is the default for men. We use more words than we need to. And typically, we are trying to use these extra words in order to be heard or understood. We think the extra words will help us. When, it actuality, the extra words make us look weak. If you're a man of your word, then you'll do what you say, and you don't need to fluff up what you say.

Looking at your emails is a concrete way to see how wordy you are. Everything I've brought up has nothing to do with AA, AM, fogging, etc. Those are advance ideas. STFU is the baseline.

[–]SingularityOne198[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very helpful. Thanks for this advice. Being more mindful of my emails/texts is a good idea to bring this concept into practice.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is akin to asking, "How do I put out a wildfire?" The simplest way is, "Don't start one in the first place."

If you are DEERING in the context of your marriage, your wife is probably attacking or questioning you over 1) Something you did, or 2) something you failed to do. In either case, the best scenario is for your actions to be above reproach.

IME wives attack like this when they perceive their husbands to be poor performers. The wife feels she has to ride herd on every little detail because nothing will get done (or done correctly, or done in time) if she doesn't. This is not a happy place for a woman, frankly. Women want to feel like they have a partner, not that they're the only adult in the room.

So I'd advise tackling this problem from the meta-perspective. Perhaps draft a list of all of the household chores that you normally do, and then commit to doing them on time and competently for a period of one month. (It will take longer than a day or even a week for your wife to begin to relax her death grip on running the show.) Don't make a big deal out of this; don't announce your plans; and don't expect Mommy to reward you when you got the trash out to the curb the night before instead of it being an "All hands on deck!" scenario because you just realized the trash truck is only 2 doors down. Quietly commit to competent performance and see if, over time, your wife doesn't start attacking you less.



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