What an absolute shit show.

Hey guys,

I need some serious advice as i'm pretty much being cornered by basically everyone and i really don't know what else to do as my mental state is declining and i'm left wondering if it's really all my fault?

A little background:

Me and my ex-fiancée had been together for almost 6 years and engaged for 4 out of those 6 years. I was introduced to her by a close friend at a party and we just clicked. She was attractive, had a great personality and had similar hobbies as me which made it perfect.

Back in April of this year i started noticing little changes in her, she started wearing more revealing clothes to work, started putting more make-up and etc. Tbh i had no problem with any of that stuff as it's her body, she can wear whatever and put how ever much make-up she wanted to but what made things worse for me was when she started coming home late from work or how instead of spending the weekend off with me (we both had weekends off from work) she instead was always going out. I once had asked her why she never invited me to come out with her to which she replied that it's only girls night out and that her other friends would not be happy if i tagged along as they were not bringing their own bf with them.

It all came crashing down when me and her had a huge fight in June because she decided that instead of going out on a date with me she told me how she already had made plans with her friends and that it was rude of her to cancel. That was it for me, i fucking blew up at her and we had huge fight which resulted in her packing her bags and leaving. I didn't hear from her for almost a week, none of her friends knew where she was and heck none of her folks even knew what was going on until she finally contacted me and wanted to talk.

Imagine my surprise when she confessed to me that there was another guy involved and how all this time she was hanging out with him when all this time she was lying to me about hanging with her friends. I fucking blew up, i wanted nothing to do with her and was going to break up with her until she got on her knees and begged me to give her a second chance which my dumbass self did but only after she revealed everything to me and she did. It made me fucking sick to my stomach but in the end i forgave her and told her to delete all contact with the other guy and that i expect her to have no contact with him going forward which she promised and things kinda went back to before.

Heck, we were even spending more time together but that feeling, that trust wasn't there anymore.

Everything was kinda OK until 2 weeks ago a friend of mine who was visiting another city which was 3 hours from where i lived sent me a picture with the message "Sorry bro" that broke my already broken heart into a billion of little pieces. The picture was of my ex-fiancée at a mall 3 hours away from where we lived holding hands with some stranger who i didn't know. I fucking broke down, i was heartbroken. She was a bitch, a piece of shit especially since i thought she was at work while in reality she was 3 hours away holding hands with her lover.

When i got home from work i waited for her and right away confronted her which she denied and called me a psycho for not believing her and that i was a piece of shit for not trusting her until i showed her the picture that my friend sent me. Her face told me everything and when the waterworks started i knew that i had made a huge mistake in taking her back so i ended it.

She cried and fucking begged me to think it over and not to throw away everythink that we have together which made me fucking angry and i'm not going to lie but i fucking slapped her. I was not proud, i'm still not but she saying shit like not to throw away everthing when it was her who threwaway everything pissed me off.

I told her to pack her shit and leave, called her parents and mine and told them everything, her parents came to help her and i told them to basically fuck off after they told me to think it over and to make the right decision before actually ending it. She begged me not to end things but i did, had to for my own piece of mind.

I did not hear from her or her parents until 3 days ago when my parents called me to let know that ex-fiancée had comitted suicide. Her parents found her hanging and she had left a letter apologising to everyone including my parents and me and how she is sorry from the bottom of her heart for what she did to me and that how she can't live without me and because of that she ended it.

I am at a fucking lose, ex-fiancée friends and family are blaming me and my own mother told me that it was my fault, she told me that i should have forgiven her since i'm clearly worth comitting suicide over.

I am fucking disgusted, i have currently taken some time off from work and have not a single clue what to do.