Sumary: My realization of my beta childhood; how I acted, thought and perceived the world and girls in a wrong way, and how I see it all now.

Body: So I'm gonna try to describe my awakening and realization how my childhood actually went in reality and not this weird picture I had till now in my head. So I am kind of a lurker, discovered TRP years ago but started to religiously study it for the last 6-7 months mainly to handle my LTR and not mess up like I usually do. The TRP is the only thing that ever made so much sense to me and I started a mental challenge to break myself apart and build myself again, starting with analyzing my childhood.

Quick background: I was THE Beta (no no buddy, you don't even know what is coming next). I was a pretty "happy" (deluded) kid; smart, funny,kind,respectful and considerate. Looking back no wonder I was like that. My connection with my father was non existent, he is a true and natural alpha but little to no beta traits, expecially concerning me and my younger brother ( example: I was that last kid in the kindergarden because my father litterally forgot he has a son, 3 years into high school he still doesn't know how it's called or any of my grades even tho I sure he just doesn't care). Add to this his inability to educate,raise or communicate properly to me or my brother often resulted into getting our asses kicked, full on belt and fists which sometimes left us shaking.(Of course it was never just on a whim, only when we did something bad.)

Result? Me hating my father and being so afraid of him and seeing my mother as the savior and hope that there is good in this world, sounds so stupid but as a kid it makes a lot of sense.

So being raised by her and 3 friends in my neighbourhood who were all girls I have manifasted my masculinity in a non existent form.

Now the cringfiesta:So this is around 13-15 year span of my life and my literal OBSSESION with this one girl that we'll call "Red". So Red was at the time a beautifull and stunning red head babe (feels wrong saying HBnumber for a 15 year old, but she was a catch at that age). She was intellegent, fun to be around and social, often times flirty but never a pushover and on the otherhand I've spent some days discussing things I can't discuss with people at college, just a whole deeper level. She was that dream girl of my childhood, no doubt about it. So my earliest memories say that I've hung out with these 3 girls from the beginnings of time, Red, Blond and Black. Sure it was just kids playing in a park everyday but eventually puberty started hitting us and all the drama with it came. So yeah I started to have feelings for her and worst of all I believed I was a romantic soul and I can love like no man can. So those "feelings" were literally: I am in love with her and will be till I die, at the age of 13-14, imagine that.

Now starts the good part and just the thought of confessing all of this is making me so uneasy but I just have to. I have to let it all out.

So how did I won her over? Yeap I did that, but don't get your hopes up. I was being so nervous around her and it was like I was the chick in the dynamic, I was dropping hints and doing cringy stuff like "there's this girl I like but I dunno what should I do about it, what do you think Red?". Yeah, she wasn't even unaware, she is a girl they get it, she just played dumb. So one day I grabed my balls (hahahah, no not really I wish I did..) and I confessed my feelings for her.Through a huge chunk of text via message of Facebook. As I'm writting this I am looking through the messages from that time but can't find that part, but I'm 99% sure it was me telling her how perfect she is, how I can treat her right, gonna be the best boyfriend yadda yadda and saying I will always love her.

Surprisingly enough (dear Lord I will never understand this part) she said yes. I was the happiest little boy alive, my god I would sing all day and wear this stupid smile on my face, I'd bet I smiled while I was sleeping aswell. I guess she kinda liked the attention and talking in general with me because we talked about everything. And then, my dear Lord how beta can you be, I turned in such a beta that I was afraid to talk to my girlfriend and would avoid her. God I wanna slap myself so hard right now. So as you can imagine it wasn't the perfect relationship like I promised and she was so weirded out. So it went a little like: we talk through our friends (literally) and there was this one fight when I told my friends I got a girlfriend because she didn't want anyone to know. Now thinking about it probably because my SMV was practically 1, especially social status and looks.

Now this part is a bit too personal so I'll keep it short, I got a disease, could probably die, I go and have a head surgery, rest 2 weeks in hospital and 3 weeks home rest. And yes all this time I was just thinking about her alllllllllll the time. I could've atleast study a bit for my tests but nah, my brain decided "let's dedicate your whole brain on this girl,that is good mmm".

And now comes one of my worst and cringiest decisions in my life that would ultimately make me miserable for the next 3-4 years or so. I can finally walk on my own and first thing I do is tell her I wanna see her. She agrees but tells me she wants to talk about something (and yes I had ZERO clue) and I say I wanna talk about something too (I had some sophisticated romantic plan how I'm gonna kiss her, can I die now pls?). So we meet, I am overjoyed to see her and she is like "hey bud". So we sit and she drops the bomb. Well enough TRP can translate this too well:

So while you were gone a lot of guys from our school started making moves on me. I don't know what do they find so special about me but okay. And I kept turning them all down cuz of you but one guy was persistent as hell.

So she finally became more desirable as in she now has more options and I don't seem to be the only choice, and I knew everyone she mentioned and 95% of them had a better SMV than me.

One guy didn't back down at whatever I told him, he was such a jerk but so nice to me in the same time.

Yup, I'd come to hate the guy for a lot of years cuz of it but now I can only respect a fellow AF.

It's your best friend Lil'Chad. Starts crying uncontrolably.

Yeah I've felt everything at that point, anger,sadness,disappoinment, betrayal yadda yadda. In my head I miraciously realized it was over and I can't change her feels for someone else. Do I maybe just let it go? Just let my disgust run in my veins and tell her off and continue my life? Hell nah :). I forgive her and say I just want her to be happy and that I will stay her best friend (orbiter) and support their relationship.

And now I was at a point I did what every beta did. Did everything I was allowed to do to show her how I'm better than her douche boyfriend that didn't give a flying fk for her, I was her shoulder to cry and everything you can think of. At one point it was so bad I was put in this situation: They got in a fight, she is crying like hell, he isn't returning calls or any attention at all, he started soft nexting her and she begged me to call my best friend and persuade him to stay with her. So I begin saying all these things I love about her right in front of her (like I was confessing to her again) to him and naming every single thing some guys would give to have her. I poured my soul at that moment looking at her directly in the eyes while she was just waiting for his answer.

And here comes what my little beta brain couldn't take anymore:

Nah bro, I'm good. Hangs up the phone.

She is devastated and so am I, it was like I was rejected by her by him. So weird. And yes after I've spent the whole night making her feel better I went all out White-Knight on this guy. His response is something I want till this day. I was going berserk, autist SJW screaming on him and making a fking embarassment of myself. He just sat there and after an hour of me venting he just said: "I really don't care, see ya later." And left. Ah Lil'Chad, boy did I hate you so much, but I must admit for a kid you were a natural alpha.

Fast forward a bit and I'm still an orbiter hoping it's my turn now and she is "too hurt" to trust any boy ever. Now we get to the part I don't really remember but I have messages. Prepare for the cringe.

Oldest message I found:

Me:I don't know how to describe her without telling you who she is.......try guessing(but really think about it!!!!!!!!!!!) if you don't guess I'll tell you anyways........:S

Her:Ugh, just tell me..

Me: com'oooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...............GUESS!!!!!(or I won't tell you and you will spend your whole life wondering who it was :((()

Yeah my writing is literally making me look at a rope in my room. So yeah that was my pathetic atempt to tell her I still love her which she just ultimately ignored. I was so mad cuz I thought she is stupid for not guessing. I don't even know bro.. A day later I send this:

Me: hey can I ask you something.... :/ I thought since Lil'Chad (-.-) and "random girl"(crazy eye xD) are together now.... that we could be together again...cuz I miss you a lot and I won't be the old me....I will do anything you want to do....I'll jump of a building for you....pleaseeeee...:(( <3 ya

Her: That is so sweet of you Lil'Beta, but didn't Lil'Chad break up with "random girl"?

Me:no.....-.- so is that a yes or no, I'm really wornerable right now....xD...

And she just seens me. So first of all, can I please kill myself now. Secondly let's analyze the most beta guy ever shall we. So I kinda got "brave" and casualy gonna ask her via message shall we date again since you know, you can't date Lil'Chad now, purposly admiting that I can't compete with him and I've waited like a lil rat for him to be out of the equation. So what's the creepiest and cringiest part? The fact that I let her do whatever she wants and I will follow like a little pet like I always have or the part where I TELL HER I WOULD DIE FOR HER?!, no-no buddy, the fking part where I say "pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee" be in a relationship with me. There is so much cringe I can take but this is phisically hurting me at the moment. And she just ignores it all and asks something about Lil'Chad.

Well this is getting longer than I hoped so I'll just give you guys another message and then conclude this post.

A few days later apparently we got into a fight( I really don't remember the details I can just tell by the old messages I'm reading).

Me: I DON'T GET YOU AT ALL!!!!!!! -.-''''' who the fk do you think you are??? Today I've spent an hour to make you come meet me -.-, cuz I'm such a good friend.... and yesterday I've bought you a drink.....and I've spent my whole day with you while you were just making fun of me and punching me cuz it's FUNNY TO YOU!!!!!!!! -.-'''' you will see when I start punching you but I won't cuz I'm a too good person to stoop to that level....... ANd THEN YOU aRE THE ONE THAT'S OFFENDED!!!!!!!.... and then I got to apologize to you cuz YOU ARE OFFENDED!!!!! (so sorry....xD) P.S. I love your new profile photo <3

God, I was such a selfcentric prick even tho I am a wonderfulllll friend obviously, can't you tell? I've bought her a drink she should've gave me some pussy. So what would've Lil'Chad do: first of all, spending an hour to get someone to hang out with you is something you should never do unless you have 0 selfrespect like I had. Second: Never let her hamster rationalize and decieve you into apologizing to her cuz she was a dick to you. NEVER.

Conclusion: All in all, I am feeling a little better for sharing this to you guys, I really don't know how, but I guess I don't want to hide it anymore, let the world laugh, I need that sting so I never do this kind of thing again. So a quick lessons learned:

  • Living in the past isn't a good thing, but if you go there with a purpose you can learn a lot. Remember those moments you were heartbroken unjustfully or were fked over by some Chad. Now think really carefully: Was it their fault or yours? I will admit that I have no resentment for Red anymore as I can see now that I was just a pain in the ass for her, she did nothing another girl wouldn't do to aswell, I was just an orbit material.
  • If you are young enough, high school for example, stick with your Chad friends. They naturaly know a lot about life and expecially girls. If I've only listened to my best friend when he whole honestly said that Red wasn't that special, that she was just a chick and I shouldn't obsess with her, man.. a lot of anger and next relationships would be spared.
  • Bros before hoes. My biggest regret of this post is me going full White-Knight. If you can't understand it now, you will later in life, it just all falls in place, but for the love of god, just don't go full White-Knight. I've lost a lot of respect and male friends after that which I've never trully managed to get back.

That's about it for now, I have a lot more messages that are even cringier than this so If you guys are interested I can post more. I'm expecting atleast a little criticism from you guys mainly because it's my first post, I'm unexperienced here or I'm maybe straying out of contex of this subreddit, or just some typos(english not my main language). If I did something wrong in these way I apologize. And of course any oppinion on how I should've done this or that or another insight on this whole situation is more than welcomed. Thank you for your time, cheers.