Bit of a long one, sorry! First of all can I just say thank you to all the ladies on this sub. I’ve been lurking here for a bit and I’ve read all the posts and comments and the handbook and honestly it’s been really helping to open my eyes to a lot of my unhealthy pickme behaviours and patterns, and finally made me realise I am not unreasonable for wanting the things I want. How refreshing!!

So I broke up with my boyfriend today. After a long and difficult almost 2 year process of trying to make it work and wondering why I’ve consistently felt so shitty and unsatisfied and wrestling with insecurities, I’ve finally realised the deal.

There were various things missing from our relationship that are things I want and require from a partner in order to feel happy and secure. I know he gave all these things to his last girlfriend. (6 year relationship, ended 2 months before he met me... I know... red flag number 1)

  • I was never properly integrated with his family even though he was with mine. After almost two years together I still had not met his sisters or barely any family beyond his parents, and that took 8-9 months and me threatening to break up to happen.
  • I was never properly introduced to his friends and he made no effort with mine, actively turning down my social invitations or avoiding me being present at his. The one and only time I did socialise with any of his friends (pretty much by accident as I’d gone to see his band perform) he fell out with me because he became jealous I was chatting to one of his band mates in what he deemed to be a flirtatious manner.
  • we never made any plans for holidays together, or any real tangible long term plans for the future. I attempted to discuss saving for a holiday but I was shot down, he said there’s no way he could afford it and it wasn’t brought up again. Strange as he’s had a pay rise at work and he is earning a good amount, he has limited outgoings and he managed to somehow afford 2 holidays with his ex while working either part time or minimum wage jobs.
  • The guy would not post me online, or take any photos of us together or really show any interest in doing any of that sort of thing voluntarily after maybe the first 3 months of dating. This one really stung over time because that form of affection means a lot to me and his social media was crawling with photos of his last relationship, him gushing about her etc, throughout their entire 6 years together.

So various arguments and conversations were had with him over the course of the relationship, basically me stupidly trying to find reason behind these missing things that prevented me from having to actually accept the glaringly obvious truth of the matter. I was never able to shake off the sinking feeling of dissatisfaction, and I became increasingly insecure about myself and my worth as I allowed myself to internalise it all over time rather than see it for what it was. His excuse for these things has basically been that he has just changed. He’s not the same person anymore. Or various other lame reasonings that don’t acknowledge the fact he was not meeting my needs and didn’t wanna do anything about it. He has even told me I am unreasonable because I’m not accepting him for who he is. A line that used to work, it used to make me feel awful and guilty for what i wanted and I’d tell myself to stop being so silly and selfish and accept what I am being given because he LOVES ME 🙄.

Then I woke up.

Damn right I don’t accept him. I don’t accept that I’m getting lesser treatment when somebody else was willingly given the things I have had to beg and plead for, because he’s just “changed” now. I will NOT accept less. I will not accept having to fight to be given scraps of what he is clearly and demonstrably capable of giving to another woman. I will not accept being treated as though I’m inferior or I do not deserve the things I want. I want my partner to WANT to show me off, to WANT to be a part of my life and integrate me as a part of his. To WANT to make our life together magic. Because he genuinely wants to, not because he’s been forced to, kicking and screaming. I want a man who will treat me like the Queen I am. And today I realised it’s on me first to treat myself as such and kick the unworthy to the curb. A Queen does not beg for what she deserves, nor accept scraps, and I won’t do it for a single fucking second longer.

You’re all amazing and I send you all the love and gratitude in the world 💛 x