How important is compatibility for marriage?

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agoodcrayon
April 23, 2020
5 upvotes
askRPC

Compatibility in values, personalities, hobbies, politics, role expectations, goals, etc.


Post Information
Title How important is compatibility for marriage?
Author agoodcrayon
Upvotes 5
Comments 8
Date 23 April 2020 08:36 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/655088
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/g6ue7d/how_important_is_compatibility_for_marriage/
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[–]Deep_Strength4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Compatibility in values, personalities, hobbies, politics, role expectations, goals, etc.

If they're the Christ's mission/goals and the Bible's marital roles and responsibilities then 100%.

The rest is only a cherry on top.

[–]insultsonlyhuh1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

zero importance...it seems like the most important part is being able to afford the marriage license..that seems to be critically important...for a successful marriage, though, I bet compatibility is pretty important..

[–]RedPlanetMan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well, for a good example, lets consider nature: just look at how sharks and dolphins do it. One is an undisputed ravenous predator of the sea, with an undying thirst for blood. The other is a shark. Any self-aggrandizing white-lab-coat scientist would tell you "it cant be," or "thats crazy," etc. Somehow though, despite the odds and science, love finds a way.

[–]RedPlanetMan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Honest response - If you are considering a LTR, compatibility is a key ingredient to a healthy relationship. Even with regard to short-term relationships, its not something you should disregard. Getting involved with the wrong person can have consequences down the line. Imagine the person who has a ONS with someone, only to find out months or years later they've contracted an STD, or someone who is then falsely accused of a sex crime, or even someone who is being lured into a larger plot for the purpose of being taken advantage of. Etc, etc, etc. Be careful who you intertwine your future with, even momentary encounters can last a life time.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Relationships are always a compromise to some extent. It's unlikely you'll find a perfect person who matches you in every area. The idea is to find someone who is so good in some areas that it makes the compromise acceptable!

I'd say you should stand firm on some things, like character. But sharing a particular hobby? Unless it's something you're extremely passionate about, or requires two to participate (like ballroom dancing), that's probably negotiable.

However, I believe studies have shown that the most successful marriages seem to be among people with similar backgrounds. And it just makes sense, right? That doesn't mean that marrying outside your race, class, etc., is a bad thing, just that it probably puts some additional stress on a relationship, so beware.

[–]Red-Curious0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Women will always change. Accept it. This means that whatever "compatibility" you had when you got married will only remain in place as long as you keep changing with her. Men are averse to change. We can, and sometimes do, but not as fluently. If you're changing with her, you're in her frame and headed toward destruction.

You're better off having her change to mold to you. If you're already compatible up-front, then it means you have to keep growing and developing in the direction you want to go in order to give her something to keep morphing to, otherwise she's going to get bored and morph away from you. If you're not compatible up-front, you just bought yourself a few months/years (depending on how incompatible you are) before you have to worry about her getting bored with the relationship.

Also, what do you even mean by "compatibility"? Like, your personalities are a good match for each other - you're extroverted and she's introverted, so you've got both bases covered? That one of you is really good with house work and the other is really good in a professional career? That one is really talented at kissing and the other one's exceptionally good with his/her hands?

Or do you mean you're "compatible" because you both like the same kinds of music and TV shows? I love my brother's comment as he neared the end of his 20s, "I wish I knew in high school how unimportant liking the same music was in a relationship." He literally only dated girls who liked the same bands as him. Idiot.

My wife once commented that when she was a kid she thought, "How are my aunt and uncle ever going to be happy in a marriage? One is a [sports team 1] fan and the other is a [team 2] fan? How did they ever get married?" See how juvenile those thoughts are? Yet the world still thinks this is true - that if you don't like the same things it will never work. It's laughable. This is probably worth a post. I might write one soon.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very true and I was referring to both sides (maybe all possible versions of compatibility?)

Please write a post on that. Your two examples at the end made a lot of sense.

I’d like more insight on inter-family dynamics like how well do you/her mold to each other’s families.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

https://www.gottman.com/blog/psychology-finally-reveals-the-answer-to-finding-your-soulmate/

Compatibility is a myth.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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