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Ego validation from her submission

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April 30, 2020
9 upvotes

Hi guys,

I've done most of the side bar reading but it's been a while since I've gone over it for a second time. Most recent book was King Warrior Magician Lover. I'm 28, 6'4" 212 BP: 255, Squat: 366, Dead: 410, DB curl: 45 (lol jokes). Been seeing a girl exclusively for a few months now, been fucking her since last summer.

There was a post recently that mentioned the "Validation needs that can poison your sex life" post, and I've realized that I receive a massive amount of validation in the form of attraction validation. When I first started having sex I would go down the girl, make her cum, and only then focus on my own pleasure. As I've gotten older and gained confidence and social dominance, I have started to develop the sexually dominant side of myself. My relationships in all areas of my life have improved, and my sex life has drastically improved. I get anal (less than Red), deepthroating, toys, ...and their submission. The submission is great, but I find that my ego has become invested in their submissive responses, and I am trying to get a handle on that. Obviously my ego at large is something I am working on, this is just an area where it consistenly raises it's head.

It is sexy as hell when she does exactly what I say, in and out of the bedroom, and I get off on that (obviously). When she doesn't do what I've asked, my ego is wrapped up with my need to correct her behaviour, and I worry that what may be legitimate concerns on her part - "I'm not in the right headspace today to do XYZ", "I've never liked [blank] and would prefer [blank]", etc. - my ego wants to push through her resistance and label it a shit test because if I let her have her way I no longer feel like I am in control. Should I really care that much if I've asked her to refer to me as 'Your Big Dick Highness' and she just calls me 'dick'? Probably not, but I worry that if I let it slip, I'll be on a slippery slope back to where I was a few years ago with a harpy bitch I created.

Additionally, I have covert contracts with how I expect her to behave in bed. If I tighten this rope, blindfold her like this, pull the ball gag just right and rub her clit left to right I will get the response I want. When I don't get this response (maybe she's tired, or I haven't been handling my shit sufficiently, or whatever), my cover contract falls apart, my ego takes a hit, my frame goes to shit and, and I can feel myself wanting to disengage. I tell myself to not be a bitch and make it happen and I'll get my nut regardless, but it is a struggle to keep my head in the game. I was tired the other night and I did disengage during an encounter like this and go to bed, but that threw her for a loop and she asked me if we could 'please have sex'. I told her sure, but she's getting on top and riding me, and I told her what a little slut she was the whole time. She did a damn fine job of it. She woke me in the morning horny as shit too. I almost feel that walking away from the so-so sex worked, but my ego was still tied up in the interaction which let me know I still have a bunch of work to do, regardless of the response I recieved from her.

After having written all of that out it doesn't seem to be any different than most of the problems guys come here with, but I would appreciate the feedback. I've come a long way from where I was when I first joined this site, but some feedback on moving past my ego validation would be greatly appreciated.


Post Information
Title Ego validation from her submission
Author RedishPill
Upvotes 9
Comments 35
Date 30 April 2020 03:39 PM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/658319
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/gaxzux/ego_validation_from_her_submission/
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Comments

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are more worried about the domination of someone other than yourself.

[–]ancient_resistanceShit coming out my eyeballs3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I see the same thing I see in myself, and in plenty others here: Externalized sense of value. Seems like a major trap. Get some MRP noob gains, start getting the sex/social status we crave, then use that to validate ourselves, suddenly we're back to LARPing faggots. I don't see a clear path to it yet, but I know the MRP endgame involves a fully internalized sense of value.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Get some MRP noob gains, start getting take the sex/social status we crave, then use that to validate ourselves, suddenly we're back to LARPing faggots. I don't see a clear path to it yet, but I know the MRP endgame involves a fully internalized sense of value.

There.

Then you DNGAF about the sex/social status and just know.

[–]ancient_resistanceShit coming out my eyeballs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

God dammit Horns, there you go again with your fucking insight. Do you have any idea how much time you just saved me? I started a writeup on the evolutionary basis of insecurity as a first step in understanding confidence... but it's cool. just cut straight to the chase in 10 words, that works too.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'm not in the right headspace today to do XYZ", "I've never liked [blank] and would prefer [blank]", etc. - my ego wants to push through her resistance and label it a shit test because if I let her have her way I no longer feel like I am in control

NO. You’d end up looking butthurt. That’s the last thing you want to do during sex. If she says no, sometimes the reasons are actually valid like end of cycle, not feeling well... etc. just go with it and do it on a dominant way because you don’t give a fuck. Then, keep working on your game and frame.

I’m guessing she was ovulating when she wanted it at night and in the morning. Do you track her cycle? I don’t track my wife’s anymore because it’s so obvious to me where she is after observing it for several months.

[–]RedishPill[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Do you adjust your treatment of her when she is PMSing? Mine becomes more difficult to deal with and often doesnt even know why.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't really get the whole "she is a bitch during PMS" stuff. I mean, I do... my woman used to be. But I don't track it, but can tell when it's happening. She literally becomes a soft little love-able babygirl during that phase and just wants to cuddle and be held by a big strong man.

She's rarin' to fuck before long.

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah the only reason I even know now is because she gets cuddly and that’s the cue for an upcoming 3-4 days of blowjob and anal.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just back off more. Provide a little more comfort.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I've asked her to refer to me as 'Your Big Dick Highness' and she just calls me 'dick'?

LMFAO

It's called topping from the bottom.

Has she suggested pegging yet?

[–]RedishPill[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Your wife calls me Daddy

[–]so_woke_da_wookie20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy

She’ll say that to anyone who lets her peg’em.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Savage.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (17 children) | Copy

You need to game her.

I'm guessing you suck at it if you set your ego aside.

Learn to game her and other women and your attraction validation will begin to dissipate. Of course, you will likely seek validation from that as well.

You're not your own mental point of origin. You need abundance.

My wife is very submissive, and we have a formal arrangement. If she's not being "submissive enough" that's my fucking fault, and it always stems from the fact my attitude might suck or my game is off. You cannot force submission. It is her choice, and you should desire a woman that only submits by choice. Not force.

[–]RedishPill[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Agreed, if her actions can throw me then I clearly have work to do on being my own mental point of origin.

Can you detail the formal arrangement you have? Is it literally a signed document that details what rules you will be holding her to? I am gravitating towards that so that these passes and amendments she wants to make on the fly could be curtailed.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Can you detail the formal arrangement you have? Is it literally a signed document that details what rules you will be holding her to?

In the beginning we had a signed formal contract. We don't have one anymore that's current. It's not necessary.

You're approaching this from the wrong direction. The contract we had was necessary in the beginning because D/s was new to us and her trust and safety was very important (to me) - and that her boundaries were clearly defined.

We have no boundaries now, and the previous sexual ones we had have been all but blown through. Any boundaries are really set by me - and I cherish the trust we have built. We both "get it" and choose this lifestyle.

I am gravitating towards that so that these passes and amendments she wants to make on the fly could be curtailed.

You're still attempting to force submission. This time with a piece of paper.

what rules you she will be holding herself to?

FTFY.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think my favorite part about the D/s journey was the aspect of being able to create something special and unique to our relationship, our needs and wants. The world's interpretations on what an ideal relationship hold no value, we decide what is right for us.

[–]RedishPill[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck. That rings too true

[–]skizzum97Can't Handle The Daddy0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

We are only into our first year of entering the d/s dynamic but have not made a contract as you refer to... Do you suggest it?

Also curious about what kind of boundaries you both have been able to blow through in your journey. We're they things you wanted that she didn't at first but then opened up to or vice versa?

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you're already "into" your first year of D/s and can't / don't know the answer to this already for yourself and sub, you're a shitty Dom.

Do some reading fake Dom.

Some boundaries we've blown through: slave play, anal, lots of role-playing specifically Daddy/little play, molestation role-play, light rape play, and private humiliation. All these were things as a naive sub she didn't think she wanted. But now craves them.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Remember when we discussed not talking about D/s fight club... This stuff is why, too much dynamite in the hands of kids.

u/RedishPill D/s when you are doing it right is as natural and easy as breathing. If you feel like a fish out of water it is because you are. You aren't there yet, you are not yet your own mental point of origin. For me and my relationship it is the natural progression to the lowest point of stress, a valley if you will. It would be the most exhausting and stressful to live a life without our D/s relationship than to stay in it.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah... as time goes on its just shit that doesn't need to be talked about.

Unless you see someone really fucking it up.

Or they ask a specific question.

[–]RedishPill[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Meh, too late now. Fake it till I make it.

[–]RedishPill[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

My girlfriend asked me to take her shopping so that she could pick out and buy a bunch of panties that I liked. That way, she had a bunch of 'approved' panties that she could wear with me for instances when she wasn't able to go without. Now. That is something that was not on my radar in the beginning. Thus, I am still learning. Do I have work to do on myself? Sure. I made that abundantly clear, but the sexual nature of my relationship with this woman from day one has been D/s and I'm putting the pieces together as I go. That reminds me, I'll have to check what panties she's wearing when she comes over later...

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Some would say she is trying to be good for you, others would say she is making you buy her shit, i.e. topping from the bottom. In reality it only matters how you feel about it and her intentions and attitude in general. D/s can be the absolute easiest and simultaneously hardest relationship style. Easiest in that you simply do whatever feels right, period. Where does a 900lb silverback sit? Wherever he wants. When does he fuck? Whenever he wants. Hardest in that you are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING in your circle of influence, period. No excuses, not even one.

[–]RedishPill[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Edit: she bought the panties - just wanted me to pick them out for her.

The majority of comments here are in line with your silver back comment - learn to dominate yourself, be your own mental point of origin, etc. I think that getting out of her head and staying solidly in my own will be the most important aspect. Thanks for the help.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A lot of MRP is guiding you on how to "act" around women. Expert level is when it isn't an act. Best quote from the matrix:

Neo: What are you trying to tell me, that I can dodge bullets? Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

[–]lefty929-2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy

You need to game her. I'm guessing you suck at it if you set your ego aside. You're not your own mental point of origin. You need abundance.

You didn't respond to a single thing the guy wrote in detail, instead you just wrote up some boiler plate phrases that are essentially meaningless because we all know we could lift more, read more, game better, have stronger frame.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You quoted the meat. And you can't see it. You can't play the game if your ego is over involved.

Think of a petulant child. No hold up, you are one.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[M] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Wrong. Again.

I'm tired of you arguing in ASKmrp when you're clearly a faggot.

Go back to your WoW and duty sex.

[–]KoolAidMan79802 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol the post history always lays bare the truth



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