I've done most of the side bar reading but it's been a while since I've gone over it for a second time. Most recent book was King Warrior Magician Lover. I'm 28, 6'4" 212 BP: 255, Squat: 366, Dead: 410, DB curl: 45 (lol jokes). Been seeing a girl exclusively for a few months now, been fucking her since last summer.
There was a post recently that mentioned the "Validation needs that can poison your sex life" post, and I've realized that I receive a massive amount of validation in the form of attraction validation. When I first started having sex I would go down the girl, make her cum, and only then focus on my own pleasure. As I've gotten older and gained confidence and social dominance, I have started to develop the sexually dominant side of myself. My relationships in all areas of my life have improved, and my sex life has drastically improved. I get anal (less than Red), deepthroating, toys, ...and their submission. The submission is great, but I find that my ego has become invested in their submissive responses, and I am trying to get a handle on that. Obviously my ego at large is something I am working on, this is just an area where it consistenly raises it's head.
It is sexy as hell when she does exactly what I say, in and out of the bedroom, and I get off on that (obviously). When she doesn't do what I've asked, my ego is wrapped up with my need to correct her behaviour, and I worry that what may be legitimate concerns on her part - "I'm not in the right headspace today to do XYZ", "I've never liked [blank] and would prefer [blank]", etc. - my ego wants to push through her resistance and label it a shit test because if I let her have her way I no longer feel like I am in control. Should I really care that much if I've asked her to refer to me as 'Your Big Dick Highness' and she just calls me 'dick'? Probably not, but I worry that if I let it slip, I'll be on a slippery slope back to where I was a few years ago with a harpy bitch I created.
Additionally, I have covert contracts with how I expect her to behave in bed. If I tighten this rope, blindfold her like this, pull the ball gag just right and rub her clit left to right I will get the response I want. When I don't get this response (maybe she's tired, or I haven't been handling my shit sufficiently, or whatever), my cover contract falls apart, my ego takes a hit, my frame goes to shit and, and I can feel myself wanting to disengage. I tell myself to not be a bitch and make it happen and I'll get my nut regardless, but it is a struggle to keep my head in the game. I was tired the other night and I did disengage during an encounter like this and go to bed, but that threw her for a loop and she asked me if we could 'please have sex'. I told her sure, but she's getting on top and riding me, and I told her what a little slut she was the whole time. She did a damn fine job of it. She woke me in the morning horny as shit too. I almost feel that walking away from the so-so sex worked, but my ego was still tied up in the interaction which let me know I still have a bunch of work to do, regardless of the response I recieved from her.
After having written all of that out it doesn't seem to be any different than most of the problems guys come here with, but I would appreciate the feedback. I've come a long way from where I was when I first joined this site, but some feedback on moving past my ego validation would be greatly appreciated.