How do change my outlook on men?

2340000 · 2020-04-05T15:45:46+00:00

Maybe not your outlook on men, but why is someone who violates boundaries and won't respect you, attractive?

HVM, aren't boring. You just won't be trauma bonded. A relationship with them requires that you are emotionally healthy; To many that's a daunting task. Everything is "better" with LVM because it's emotionally traumatic. Senses are heightened, it's exciting chasing after someone who breadcrumbs you. But again, it's very destructive. On the other hand, society gaslights all of us into thinking men who aren't narcissistic abusers are less than. No.

I think you have to evaluate your childhood or other life traumas you've experienced. You're missing something. This is your subconscious telling you that something in your "soul" is awry.

My advice is to take some time away. Considering that most of us are in social isolation/shelter in place, take advantage of this time to examine yourself. Research to see if you have traumas. Read psychology articles. Ask yourself what you want. Be introspective. Try to remember things you've forgotten.

And remember nobody is perfect. Healthy people have baggage too, but they deal with their emotions in a healthy way. They respect people despite their personal shortcomings. Healthy people aren't an enigma, so there's no reason to avoid them because their "healthiness" doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Everyone has their battles.

greenandgoldalready · 2020-04-05T16:20:25+00:00

As someone who had a lot of sex with a lot of different guys: the "bad boys" are actually really shitty in bed. Media tells you lies. Best of all, they give you mediocre sex, if you're into domination - but even then a guy who genuinely cares about you and your orgasms is soo much better. I'd prefer a virgin who cares to an experienced fuckboy anytime. A guy who has a bit of experience and has been caring in the past and actually used that experience to learn what gets women off is a whole other experience.

featherflowers · 2020-04-05T15:34:48+00:00

When you're thinking of this HVM "loser" what makes you think that? Describe him and then describe the typical LVM that you would go for and find exciting. We'll do a group reframe.

I'm also working on this in therapy. I used to think that "bad boy" look was so hot. In reality I was picking dangerous men so I could recreate my trauma and try to control the narrative. Not healthy and I kept finding shitty men. Fortunately I've finally started to trust my gut on red flags and kick these men to the curb faster and faster. It gets easier.

tita_ · 2020-04-05T22:48:43+00:00

I have low-self esteem so when someone treats me like shit I subconsciously feel like I deserve to be treated such and they are right.

And when someone treats me good I subconsciously believe that they are stupid. I mean why else would they treat me right? I am not worth it! Therefore they are stupid so I can't respect them.

I always end up in abusive situations. I grew up in an abusive home so it is familiar. I will never be happy if I don't break the circle. Feeling worthy and valuable and loving yourself is the key.

Eat_Pant_b0ss · 2020-04-06T03:01:42+00:00

You're attracted to really high emotional highs, and really low emotional lows. In essence, you're a thrill seeker, but the thing that thrills you is instability. This kind of relationship is doomed to fail and destined to hurt you.

You need to do what anybody who loves to get high does to recover: You quit cold turkey (aka, stop dating) and you get into therapy to unlearn your habits. When you are healthy yourself, these types of relationships will repulse you.

Think of it as changing your diet. After I did Keto for 3 months, I allowed myself some Panda Express one evening, and I couldn't even finish it. It was breaded, sticky, bloating, carb garbage and it made me feel ill. Why? Because my body had learned to crave healthy things WHEN I ONLY ATE HEALTHY THINGS and gave my body the chance to stop craving carbs. The things I wanted so badly before now tasted like the junk food they were. The same will happen to your heart but you MUST work on it yourself and get professional help. Like starting to change your eating habits, you will crave the trauma, BADLY. But eventually, your brain will rewire itself and heal. With the proper assistance.

Rich green salads, full of tomato, creamy dill dressing, and crunchy croutons, are not boring. Steak and seafood aren't boring. Bacon and eggs and all kinds of things that taste amazing and are fun to eat, are allowed on a Keto diet. Likewise, a man who does not throw you into devastating lows so he can throw you into dizzying highs, is not boring. Hes good for you and he will taste good, feel good, inspire you, fill your body and heart with peace and confidence. Excitement, happiness, is still allowed, with a HVM. Only imagine getting that, FOR FREE. When you eat junk food, it tastes good going down. But there is a cost. You gain weight. You feel tired. You feel bad about yourself. With a HVM, there are no carbs. Its everything you love but without the sickness, because you've taught yourself to love what is good. Imagine having everything you want in the man you love, and for NO COST. Imagine that.

Does that sound boring?

detectivejuicee · 2020-04-05T21:57:39+00:00

Actually I was thinking the same but I realized it’s the LVMs I can’t like without the drama. Like between the times where I’m anxious about what they’re doing and trying to make sense of their lies and when the physical attraction goes down.. I realized they aren’t even that interesting or fun to be around. Whereas HVM are cool to hangout with even without drama. And btw you can have great sex with HVMs why do you think they suck in bed?

Title	How do change my outlook on men?
Author	idontknowhehe123
Upvotes	22
Comments	20
Date	April 5, 2020 11:59 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fvcpzf/how_do_change_my_outlook_on_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-change-my-outlook-on-men.678946 https://theredarchive.com/post/678946

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