There’s no excuse.

Blue85Heron · 2020-04-02T11:50:20+00:00

My ex-husband of 26 years spent most of our marriage doing this thing where he'd speak to me with a thin veneer of politeness, but just underneath it, I could tell he was irritated. When he got impatient with me, he would slow down, speak ultra-calmly, and preface his comments with an exaggerated, "Honey..." It felt so patronizing. I'd tell him, "If there's something I'm doing that's annoying you, just tell me and we'll figure it out." But he never could. It always left me feeling like I was a giant pain in his ass. The truth was, though, he was just an irritable, short-tempered person. He's always been that way with our kids and his mom too.

Fast-forward to last week. We've been divorced 8 months, and I went over to his house to work on our foster daughter's taxes together. He pulled that irritable shit with me over nothing he could articulate, and I called him on it. The old me would have felt small, and uncertain about myself, but not anymore. This time, I looked at his smirking face and thought, "Nope. I never have to put up with treatment like this from him--or any man--again."

Just communicate like a grown-up, already.

seraphinelysion · 2020-04-02T13:46:09+00:00

My ex was nothing but excuses. I could tell him he hurt my feelings with some off-handed comment he made and the first thing he would say was "it was a joke" only no one was laughing, not even him. Then he would say that if my feelings got hurt, it's cause I chose to get hurt and he didn't have anything to do with it. That manbaby could never just own his shit, say he was sorry, and work to move pass small petty shit. He didn't like feeling like he was a bad person because he thought too highly of himself. His biggest problem is that he judged himself by his intentions, while everyone else is judging him by his actions, and he just couldn't understand how his actions looked outside of his own head. Self-awareness was not strong in that one.

nonpenishaver · 2020-04-02T14:31:59+00:00

My ex cheated on me with a coworker, then when I found out about it he swore it was the worse mistake of his life, she meant nothing to him and he'd "do anything to win me back". I broke up with him but stupidly kept talking to him because I hoped he'd work to earn my trust back.

A few months later I discover he's still regularly talking to her, and I confronted him and his excuse was "he needs to talk to her because his mom died and she's there for him". Lol.

Now he's blocked but he basically tells people I'm crazy and controlling because I "didn't even let him talk to women!!"

Also, the dead mom excuse was a lie anyway because I did some digging and found out he started talking to her again like a month after we broke up and his mom died way later. The excuses men come up with to get away with bad behavior are almost always lies.

Yianna_F · 2020-04-02T08:19:50+00:00

bUtttt mUhhh DiCk????? 😭😭😭 nOt fAiR wOmyN, nOt fAiR! 😡😡😡

It's high time women got rid of the notion of excusing and forgiving any and all behaviours from men! Or thinking that men have it hard and society oppresses them and doesn't allow them to show their emotions and that's why they go nuts at people! Because they bottle up etc!

Everybody goes through stuff in their lives yet not everyone behaves that way or expects or feels entitled to special treatment, coddling and other people's mental labour.

If you wouldn't accept such behaviour and treatment from a friend or a stranger, then don't accept it from your partner!

You're his partner, not his significant-mother!

Ink3dmama · 2020-04-02T21:31:08+00:00

I posted this as part of a comment in response to someone asking what it looks like when a HVM loves you, I think it’s relevant to this so I’m going to repost it;

“Discusses issues/disagreements that come up with the intention of addressing and resolving them and avoiding the same issue in the future, not just trying to “win” and prove he’s right, or just say what he thinks I want to hear to end the conversation. Never raises his voice to me.”

We’ve been together for coming up on four years and he’s never once raised his voice to me. Never once spoken disrespectfully, patronized, condescended to, or disparaged/belittled me in any way. Not even close. He has always spoken to me with respect, no matter what. No matter how tired, or stressed, or frustrated etc he was.

light-love850 · 2020-04-02T18:23:55+00:00

Yes baby!

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Title	There’s no excuse.
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	232
Comments	14
Date	April 2, 2020 6:55 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fthn3a/theres_no_excuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/theres-no-excuse.679128 https://theredarchive.com/post/679128

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