General Question : when do you feel it is appropriate to turn to a close/best friend about an issue in relation to your relationship? Or should you never do it ?

throwawayitst · 2020-05-12T05:55:22+00:00

Def rely on your gfs! Dont let your bf become your everything but rely on someone mature and with experience and self worth. Not a pickme with terrible dating history

verysadgirly · 2020-05-12T04:53:45+00:00

I learned my lesson a long time ago to not talk about my relationship problems outside of the relationship. No one understands totally what’s going on inside the relationship other than you and your partner and when you tell other people snippets of disagreements or fights between you and your spouse, your painting a one-sided or negative view of them... and it’s sooo hard to change other people’s opinions once they are set. I tell my friends one fight between myself and my boyfriend of course they take my side because they’re my friends and they start to dislike him... but then I make up with him but they are still upset with him... it just causes more problems, at least in my situations

Verysoftbun · 2020-05-12T02:11:12+00:00

If your anxiety is bad enough that you're outsourcing I would talk with a therapist. They won't lie to you like a partner or friend would. Learn to trust your judgement.

subtlecuttlefish · 2020-05-13T12:04:52+00:00

Honestly I just tend to rely on myself and my own judgement/ gut feeling because deep down you always know what's acceptable and it's that knowledge we need to learn to pay attention to.

If I have a problem with my partner I would go and check in with myself to see how I was feeling and where the issue lies. Sometimes that's all I need to do and there's actions I need to take myself. Again you know this from your gut feel - when you are thinking it over and you wonder "is this because I'm feeling lonely as I haven't seen my girlfriends in a while?" and that gives you a feeling of recognition and understanding, you've hit on the root cause of the problem.

If the root cause is in the relationship, I'd then bring it up with my partner in a constructive way of "so this is what I've noticed/am experiencing, how do we solve this problem?" A HVM will be receptive to having this kind of discussion and you'll talk about it - even if you disagree you're still respectful and on the same team. Try and be as calm as possible (because it's no one else's responsibility but yours to manage your mood as an adult) but even if you're a bit emotional it won't derail the conversation as you're both actively working to understand and resolve. You'll come up with something together even if that something is reassurance or a mindset shift. Afterwards you should feel calm and like it's been resolved - and if there's any actions that you've agreed on which need to be taken as a result, your partner will follow up off their own steam/with very minimal prompting and absolutely no passive-aggressive behaviour. This builds confidence and trust in eachother. If it's a young relationship it's normal to feel hopeful but not entirely relaxed about it after the conversation alone because you haven't developed that trust yet, but once they consistently come through with their actions you should do.

It's normal, healthy and necessary to have these kinds of conversations occasionally. You are two separate adults melding your lives and space together - how can you do that without discussion, telepathy?? If you are having them all the time then you are trying to change stuff that can't be changed and you're incompatible and should consider whether you will work together. If you are constantly having the same conversation but there is no follow-up, or if they shutdown the conversations or somehow see having a discussion as a threat to the relationship, then this person is not going to be a good partner.

I compare it to living with a new housemate. Imagine if before you moved in together, they refused to talk about what living together might look like because they aren't sure if it's going to happen or not. When you do move in you sit down together and make a rota for the chores but they never do their part or do it inconsistently or do it with such bad grace it creates a lot of weird feelings for what should be a shared responsibility. They stop paying rent and the landlord is threatening to kick you out, but when you try and bring it up they get defensive and yell at you - you still don't know why and the landlord is still needing the rent. No communication on their part leads to a bad living situation on yours.

Friends are fantastic for lifting you up, for being there for you during hard times. I also like seeing other friends in positive, healthy relationships and using them as role models. However I do think relationship problems should be resolved with your partner - and if you can't resolve it with them then you have learned this person isn't willing to communicate with you and they're not going to be a good partner because of it.

comet2004 · 2020-05-14T15:26:10+00:00

Its appropriate but as long as your friends arent pickmeishas. Pickmeisha friends can do more harm than good.

Title	General Question : when do you feel it is appropriate to turn to a close/best friend about an issue in relation to your relationship? Or should you never do it ?
Author	poisonbitesblue
Upvotes	12
Comments	8
Date	May 12, 2020 12:40 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gi0ddz/general_question_when_do_you_feel_it_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/general-question-when-do-you-feel-it-is.692264 https://theredarchive.com/post/692264

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