Lost to depression

reduxDev · 2020-06-25T00:57:31+00:00

I was someone like you not that long ago. Depressed for life, hopeless, going nowhere. And I have some advice for what I did, but I have no idea if it will work for you.

One day I just accepted it. I knew, and always told myself I was worthless and not going anywhere and had people, including my parents, say it to me multiple times as proof from a very young age. And so most of me believed that, but I still had maybe like 5% resistance. 5% of me was keeping me alive, it was saying me, and all those people were wrong, and I'd get my shit together someday. Most of the time that 5% told me something I actually chuckled at how rediculous it is. The thought that the other 95% was wrong was so extremely unlikely, but that 5% was strong enough to keep me from ending it. So I just left it like that.

Until one day, I realized I didn't have anything to lose. It was a normal day, nothing wrong, nothing weird happened. But I decided I was going to give up on a fucking epic level this time. I was always punching myself when I was down, and this was an extention of that. I wanted to not recover from this level of "I'm done" but I still didn't have the modivation to kill myself. Killing yourself is a huge amount of work and effort that requires passion, perfect execution and planning, and I never had any of that.

So I was laying in my bed, and I was like, "Ok God" (I'm not religious, but who knows right?) "I'm really done this time, I'm just gunna lay here". And I laid in my bed for hours. Eyes closed, eyes open at times, but never looking at anything. I went from massive thought patterns and critical thinking and focus on random shit, to thinking almost nothing and just breathing. I cycled through this until I fell asleep.

Woke up the next day. Fuck, I'm still alive, what to I do. I thought about it for maybe 30min. I gave up remember? So nothing. I laid in bed all that day too. I didn't eat anything, I didn't shower, I may have gone to the bathroom i dont remember and I think I drank water from the bathroom sink? I was so immersed in this "given up" state I honestly don't remember, I'd let the cloudy fog that was usually around completely take over. But I'd given up. I constantly thought "so am I going to kill myself now?" but nope, I'd given up on that too.

I ended up laying in my bed for 3 total days. Didn't eat, wove in and out of sleep and didn't do anything at all. (I didn't have anything to at the time anyway). On the 4th day I woke up, and just stood up instantly and it was gone. That feeling of massive dread and despair you always have? It was gone. It wasn't gone in a like HOLY FUCK ITS GONE, way, it was gone in like a "I can't find my dog, but he's gotta be around here somewhere" but it didn't come back at all that day. I played a few videogames, went on a walk, ate something just lived my life, but without the hopelessness. I went to bed that night and thought "I wonder what I'll do tomorrow" that was the first time i'd had hope since I was a small child.

I'd talked to medical professionals, gotten years of therapy, nothing worked, but this worked for some reason. Maybe fasting reduced my inflamation and alleviated my depression? I've thought about it alot and I think it worked because I finally accepted I was in a shitty position and just lived with it. When you're depressed you are always thinking of why, and how, and how to make it not happen anymore, and how bad it is. But you can't move onto the next state, if you can't accept your current one. Idk why after that I started to make progress and work on my life, and that work has been very worth it in the long run. I'm not insanely happy now, but I'd rate every day at a 9.5/10. I'm not depressed anymore so thats amazing, but nothing has really changed all that much.

It never just never came back. And I didn't need to get lucky or be worthy or anything like that to live a normal life after all those years, I just needed to not be getting punched in the face all the time, even though I was the one doing it.

I hope that helped or at least was entertaining. You're making this post because you want a solution to a problem, but maybe you were just ment to be like this, maybe there is no problem and you'll just be like this forever, and maybe thats not so bad. And if you accept that you can start to build.

Snowboard18 · 2020-06-25T00:56:04+00:00

Well how has not doing anything to change worked for ya?

What I’ve realize with depression is if you let it kill your motivation to do the things you know will make you feel better than it’s a constant cycle that pulls you deeper and deeper.

What’s more important than motivation is discipline. Discipline yourself to do the things you know will pull you out of this. Keep a planner and set goals and do shit each and every day to reach those goals. I also wrote a post about mental health on the main trp sub

rockstarsheep · 2020-06-25T00:58:40+00:00

Right. Let’s stop the slide. It’s time to get a grip on your life. What is it that you really want or wanted to do, but somehow - for whatever reason - didn’t manage to do, or get to do yet?

You’re still in the game. You know this. So, let’s figure out your next step...

kingofclubsmorde · 2020-06-25T08:57:28+00:00

You are trying to progress too fast. Take baby steps at a time. Remember that 1 is better than 0. You are living for yourself and competing only with yourself.

2000wfridge · 2020-06-25T02:19:28+00:00

What did you major in?

Ash_thearcher · 2020-06-25T07:11:57+00:00

I was very depressed for a long time too. I had been meditating and reading books, but I was deep deep down, lost in the abyss. Then my friend suggested I should try magic mushrooms. Completely changed my life. After the experience I was like a kid again, energetic and stoked on life. Shrooms literally saved my life. I do them every six months to reconnect. Tread carefully though and do your research.

I can’t wait till they are fully legalized and they actually have clinics where you could go and trip safely. In Houston, among other places, they are undergoing clinical trials where they treat people with psilocybin (psychedelic property in shrooms). Look it up, people have pretty amazing results.

antioch94 · 2020-06-25T09:43:54+00:00

Depression comes from failing too much for a long time in life. You have to start working on yourself and starting with baby steps.

If you start getting results, you build up on that and by succeeding everyday in something for a longer period of time you can get out of depression

PrettyBarbiePerson · 2020-06-25T02:21:41+00:00

I know this might be controversial, but look into Scientology and take a few of their free online courses.

Downvoted without even an attempt at fixing your life or using science to help you understand your subconscious better.

Smh, when will people try to help themselves

Title	Lost to depression
Author	Damulac77
Upvotes	16
Comments	19
Date	June 25, 2020 12:35 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/hfcoja/lost_to_depression/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/lost-to-depression.699358 https://theredarchive.com/post/699358

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