This is hard for me to write, please understand.

I think I have problems with my psych that I just can't explain. I honestly feel ashamed seeking help, I've never discussed this with anyone irl but idk. I'm 16 now and I've had problems with depression since I was 14. It came from being all by myself all day, jacking off to porn multiple times daily, being physically and socially inactive etc. My parents were (and still are) always at work and came back tired and emotionally drained so I had nobody to push me out of my comfort zone. I know I'm spewing victim mentality bullshit but I can't bottle it in anymore. I've spent all of my time playing video games, and I thought it was normal to be at the rock bottom of my class hierarchy and have others treat me like shit. I've developed massive insecurities and had no self esteem. I remember locking myself in my room and just crying for hours, scratching my skin while fantasizing about how I'm going to kill myself. I don't know what the fuck did I do to offend god so much but my early teens weren't all that great.

I've no idea how, but one day I decided to "unfuck" myself and stepped foot in the gym. Been lifting for a year now, dropped all my video games, started grooming and reading and properly studying and all that shit. Right now from the outside I look like a very high SMV guy for my age - I dress well, look good, am witty and jacked as fuck. I had a gf for 2 months who was extremely into me until one night I felt comfortable enough to confess to her. That is, to tell her that underneath the muscles and player behavior and all that I too am a person with problems, I've suffered from depression and anxiety and I still relapse sometimes, glad to have her around, she really means a lot etc.

Got dumped the next fucking day, heard she found another muscular cunt a week later. It's been 2 months since the breakup and she's been with half of my fucking gym by now.

What I'm trying to say is even though I have all the social proof a human can need and I get treated with respect, I still feel like a total undeserving piece of shit on the inside. Lethargic, unmotivated, wasting away my potential and my youth. Whatever I do I feel inferior, there's always multiple voices in my head saying different shit and giving me mood swings. I know I have the capability to do shit when I really want to, but that voice in my head is always there telling me I'm not good enough and should just lock myself in the room again and cry and wish for death. Or maybe I'm just lazy and making up excuses, I don't know. Does anyone understand?