I want to stop being a shrew, please help me

[deleted] · 2017-08-25T16:48:56+00:00

I [22M] feel like you explained your position very fairly yet he just wanted to shut you up because you bother him in general.

NewMindRedPill · 2017-08-25T20:00:28+00:00

"he just wanted 30 minutes alone time" "then I remembered all the times it has already happened in the past and realized that if I don't tell him, he won't be able to fix it."

If this is reoccurring it seems to me like he values alone time and you need to see that. Time apart is good for the relationship as well.

Think about you want: to not be sent away and for him to crave more time with you/cuddles.

Think about what he needs: alone time.

It seems that he isn't communicating that to you (as it might be a touchy subject) and is giving you nonverbal cues. Take it upon yourself to start noticing these nonverbal cues.

Ex. I often sleep over at my boyfriend's place. As I'm on holiday I'm there during the week while he is at work. I make sure he has a "soft place to land" when he comes home and I give him a hug. I can instantly tell via his body language that he probably wants a break from everything and everyone after his stressful job. So I go back to what I am doing (usually cooking or working on the computer.) My independence in this moment means a lot to him because he is free to go lie down for a bit or take a nap. I'll even suggest it. Sometimes I purposely leave the room so that he can be alone. If he starts any work on his computer I go to another room to read or whatnot. Usually by the time he is done he is seeking me out. I usually take as many opportunities to leave the room, even just for a shower. Even if you're doing different things try being in a different room. Always leave the room happily though. Kiss him and say, "I'm going to read for a bit!" with a smile. By the time I come back in the room its like I'm an instant distraction and he can't concentrate on anything but me because he knows I might go back into another room and he wants the few minutes he can get. I also always make sure I dress and look excellent, even in the house. I go to bed smelling very nice, even a little perfume, which always prompts him to cuddle.

When people spend too much time together, no matter how much they care for each other, they can end up getting a little annoyed at the small things. See if giving him time to be alone helps. (yes it might be the first time you both hung out that day but he might not have had a moment alone yet)

I know this is going to sound weird/silly but I often mirror my actions on a cat. People always seem to be chasing after them and want to cuddle them. Cats do what they want while staying quiet for the most part and looking cute. I'll walk away and do my thing like a cat will. Then I'll come in for cuddles and a hug whenever I want without apology. You know how cats just walk on you sometimes and sit on you? If my boyfriend laid down in bed and rolled away from me and I wanted cuddles. I'd sit up and pull him over and then lay my full body weight on him. He's grunt and I'd kiss his cheek and roll off. He'd then cuddle me. If he is stretching I'll jump in so his arm naturally falls around me and he has to hug me. I keep a straight face or have a subtle smile like I'm expecting him to WANT to cuddle me. He loves it when I act like this.

Dogs whine for attention. Cats expect and take it. I wont go so far to sit on his book/computer when he's working but you get the idea. However, always consider where he is mentally when you decide to take his attention.

Waldorfmutti · 2017-08-26T16:17:52+00:00

Just cause your H. said something does not necessarily make it true. He could have been angry about not getting his way in this instance!

A few days ago, we were cuddling and watching TV and he asked if we wanted to go upstairs, I said yes. As I got up, he said he'll follow me. No big deal. He played some video games and came upstairs. He asked if I'm awake and I said yes. He turned away from me and didn't cuddle me. From my side, it felt like he sent me away and actively avoided me after he came to bed. From his side, he just wanted 30 minutes alone time.

Had he communicated that he would like to have time for himself all could have been good. HE needs to work on his communication!

houescat · 2017-08-25T19:41:55+00:00

It sounds like you feel insecure, which is not really what I would describe as a shrew, or a nag. Its more like you're being too clingy, or too needy for him.

LaurelWoods93 · 2017-08-25T16:59:47+00:00

Something you said reminded me of a word of wisdom a father of sorts said to me a while ago. He was discussing children, how they are the most perceptive people on the planet, but also the worst interpreters. The child can sense when anything is wrong, but the question the child asks is usually, "What does that say about me?" rather than objectively viewing the situation.

His parents are fighting, his mother gives him a dark look, his friend chooses to hang out with someone else over him, or a boy she has a crush on flirts continuously with another girl even though he can obviously see you're hurt - he doesn't say anything to you. So you ask, "what does that say about me? Am I a problem for my parents? Is it my fault? What can I do better? How can I make sure that I'm not like my father so mommy doesn't get mad at me too? Am I ugly? Is that why that boy won't look at me like he looks at her?" And so on. THe child doesn't ask good questions. Even though the child knows what's going on deeply.

I'm not calling you childish, but maybe a little childlike here. Your identity seems to be built somewhat on the edifice of your relationship. Sometimes that can be good, but your ultimate worth, whether he cuddles you or not, is not up to him.

Own your vulnerability. You think it's good to be vulnerable. Okay, so it is. But that's not his problem either. Being vulnerable doesn't mean complaining or putting responsibility for your emotional needs on him.

You love the guy, but he is his own person, and the less you respect his freedom to do things for you when and where he pleases, the more he will resent feeling trapped and controlled. Do you have a loving relationship with your parents? It sounds like you feel insecure.

I too had a bully for a mother, and not having that presence there to cuddle me and love me left a great ache within me that no peer or spouse can fill. I turned to God, and I'm hoping to find someone good for me to help me with this need. But you taught me something: I have to look for someone to help me, to guide me, to teach me what is right ... and not to be what I need. Not having a mother ,,,,, no one else can fill that void. It's been too many years, and there is no one left. There is no one I know who will mother me now. Except the holy spirit.

If you love the guy, and you want to stop being a shrew, you have to use boundaries. You have to say, "If this guy doesn't meet X needs of his own free will, then I'm gone" and I mean use that as a last resort if he becomes like say a porn addict or video game addict. It doesn't sound like that's the case at all, though. It sounds like you know the problem is with you. Look for help with this problem, and not through him. That's what's pressuring him. And what's troubling you. It sounds like you already love the guy but you don't know how to concretely apply that love. Part of it is giving him freedom, and looking for answers where they are most likely to be found, with God, a counselor, a therapist, or just having places of love that can include him but are not limited to him.

Title	I want to stop being a shrew, please help me
Author	throwaway_nightgown
Upvotes	14
Comments	8
Date	August 25, 2017 4:27 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6vzkmj/i_want_to_stop_being_a_shrew_please_help_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-want-to-stop-being-a-shrew-please-help-me.73341 https://theredarchive.com/post/73341

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