Depression and the captain

HB3234 · 2017-11-07T07:10:52+00:00

Don't say anything about depression you wouldn't say about diabetes.

For example, you wouldn't think your bf's insulin resistance could be fixed by any quantity of your love and devotion. Don't expect his imbalanced brain chemistry to be fixed by it, either. It isn't realistic or fair.

Like with diabetes, you can be supportive. Cook healthy meals, exercise together, do things you enjoy, give help when asked. But that's the limit. Resist the urge to become his mother by scheduling appointments, nagging about medicine, etc.

I also encourage you to think about medicine noncompliance through this lens. If you were dating a diabetic who didn't exercise, or who refused insulin or any other medicine, would you have doubts about this person as a fit partner? If he is moping and doesn't start taking action soon, realize these episodes are going to be recurring parts of your lifw together. Do you really want to sign on to that?

JimiJons · 2017-11-07T04:45:23+00:00

First, understand your limitations. You cannot cure his depression. He has to be doing things that will help him. Exercise, therapy, medication, art, journaling.... anything and everything that helps stabilize his mood.

Second, ask him to be clear about what things help and hurt him. He should be able to tell you when your actions are not helping without you getting upset.

But lastly, depression, and really any mental illness is an automatic red flag. Ask yourself if this is something that you are willing to deal with indefinitely, or at least as long as you date him. It won't get easier, and there will be steps backwards.

Just consider it carefully and understand what it means to be with someone with a mental illness.

girlwithabike · 2017-11-07T13:52:11+00:00

I second the posters who said exercise. I have struggled with chronic depression most of my life. It's not debilitating, but it is a downer. Part of how I manage it is through daily exercise (I'm unmedicated too), and I notice a huge difference in my mood when I start to skip workouts compared to when I'm on top of it.

Anyway, there isn't really anything you can do to make it go away, he has to be willing to take steps towards managing it himself. You can try to suggest you guys start engaging in regular physical activity together (ask him if he wants to join your workout or go on a walk with you), if you cook maybe try to make meals little healthier, and I've heard some studies indicate caffeine can aggravate depression too.

Also, what does he like to do? It may do him a lot of good to be involved with a group that participates in something he enjoys. I just started attending a club at my school a month ago and it was brutal because I didn't know anyone and am not very social, but I made myself go for the networking/experience in things related to my field of study. I'm still new, but every meeting I attend gets better. The last one I attended I was able to seamlessly fit into a conversation with a couple other people and I left feeling better than I have in a while. Some social activity is good for depression.

Once again, he does have to be willing to take some steps towards self-care though.

yes_we_can_t · 2017-11-07T23:47:20+00:00

During the last 10 years I've had a couple periods of depression. In case it helps you understand, I'll write about my experiences.

I'm usually very happy guy, I wake up in the morning and feel great for no reason. So, it's very disconcerting when wake up feeling like crying and I don't want to do anything except hide under a blanket.

In my last (more bluepilled) long term relationship, I leaned heavily on my girlfriend during my depression. Sadly, this led to a loss of attraction, and more and more problems in the relationship. Within a year we had broken up. The reddest pill I've ever swallowed.

Followed by a few years of living the single life and eventually starting a new LTR with a 26 year old.

Early this spring I started getting depressed again. This time however, I went to the doctor very early, got sick leave and an anti-depressant that was perfect for me. Pretty much side-effect free apart from feeling very drowsy the first few days.

In the beginning, it was obviously scary and concerning for my new woman. We had been together for about one and a half year. I told her "it's a temporary imbalance in my brain, it'll fix itself soon". She started asking me all the time how I felt, I told her I'd tell her if I wanted to share. I did the times I felt better.

I was actually expecting the entire relationship to fall apart, like the last time. This time I was not leaning on her at all. I told all my good male friends instead. I knew they would support me if I needed it, and they were extremely supportive. After a short period of time, I arranged for her to go to my vacation apartment in another country.

Luckily, the pills worked quite well, so I was able to keep going to the gym, spent much time just walking in the nature, was strict about sleeping and other typical recommended stuff. My priority was those three: Exercise, sleeping, nature. Within three months I felt good enough to start reducing the pills, and was back to my normal cheeriness soon after that.

Here's my advice: Do not think less of him. Don't get reactive if he gets irritated or even angry over nothing. It's quite normal to have depression during your life. Think of it as a temporary illness, like a serious virus that needs to be waited out.

Maybe you can say that there are different kinds of anti-depressants, so it might be good to experiment a bit more, but I assume it's not going to help coming from you. A typical part of depression is that it's hard to seek help.

Like /u/anothergoodbook said, keep going with your normal routine, your job is to take care of yourself for a while. It's not your job to fix it or make it less worse. You must only decide if he is worth the wait, and if you can handle it.

loneliness-inc · 2017-11-07T05:28:57+00:00

[deleted]

anothergoodbook · 2017-11-07T17:15:57+00:00

I don't know how to link a past post. But i asked something similar, oh 6 months ago or so. My husband had (well, has) been dealing with a ton of stress. And he was getting depressed under the weight of it. I still haven't figured out 100% how to handle it. I overextended myself and tried to fix everything and ended up going down my own road of depression and with the help if medication I'm seeing some hope. So my advice is take care if yourself. When my husband was in the worst of it, it shifted everything that was "normal". And I felt totally alone. I realize now I was so depending on him to make me happy. So self care. You can't fix it for someone else no matter how hard you try. You can however, be positive, not nagging or complaining (especially about their depression), do the things you normally do and if they aren't up to it, still go (as much as you are able to as one person (: ). If it's just a mood - well, how do you want to be treated when you are down? Of course everyone is different and one person may want to be left alone vs having someone to talk to, etc.

alyxvance420 · 2017-11-08T03:42:56+00:00

I take 5-htp and l-tyrosine for depression because I have really bad side effects to antidepressants and they're terrible anyway. I have no idea effects with these now and I feel so much better. Maybe you guys should look into them. There's a lot of info on r/nootropics and also you can just google them.

tuyguy · 2017-11-07T06:00:31+00:00

Exercise. Seriously. Every day. Run and lift hard. And eat healthy! He doesn't have to go full organic vego trendsetter, just cut out the garbage and eat fruit and veggies every day. A good steak with all the trimmings once a week never hurt anyone either.

Humans never suffered depression like this until we became fat, lazy consumers. Yes, we know more about it now so it's diagnosed more but I guarantee you the cavemen weren't sitting around feeling sorry for themselves.

loneliness-inc · 2017-11-07T03:53:13+00:00

If it's real serious mental illness - I'm not qualified to answer.

If it's the run of the mill depression that so many people have today - here are some things you can do.

be supportive but not nosy.
listen and empathize.
believe in him. Show it.
encourage him to be active.
emphasize his accomplishments.

When he'll start doing and accomplishing things, he'll feel better. That's how men are built. We thrive off accomplishment, not off of talking about our feelings.

RedwallAllratuRatbar · 2017-11-07T10:24:15+00:00

Don't talk about it. Unless asked first. Talking about the problem = becoming problem. I bet this guy wasn't mentioning it when you were in first 2 months of dating. When I really care about my girl and have bad mood, I tell everyone except her about those problems.

hernamewaslola2007 · 2017-11-08T02:44:33+00:00

My "instinct" based on observation and experience watching these kind of dynamics play out with others, is that usually the woman in the relationship wants to leave, but does not want to feel badly or guilty about wanting to leave. No one wants to "abandon" someone when they are "down" and the painful reality of a depressed person is they are NEVER not down.

Leaving now or leaving later is going to have the same negative impact on him. However when you leave, if you want to leave ( my guess is you want to leave unless there are kids involved or complicated finances, etc) , it will come down to how much damage you take before the relationship "ends"

A relation can be "over" long before it "ends" Sometimes that lasts a whole lifetime.

Weakness is like an appetizer to the main meal of a loss of respect. Once respect is lost, the lrelationship, IMHO, is over. It's brutal and unforgiving and unfair, but this is how it usually plays out. Weakness breeds deep seeded resentment that never goes away. It's not politically correct to say, it's not nice to feel, it's not fun to openly talk about it, but it's just setting the bridge of any relationship on fire. The hard part of course is sometimes, with mental health, the person in front of you is being wired by things they can see or handle or even control at times. It's literally like blaming a child for not knowing playing with matches is bad bad bad.

Don't ask yourself if you want to stay, ask yourself IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE.

Answer yourself immediately. If the answer is No and it's immediate, then stay and try. If the answer is Yes, then leave. Here's the hard part, if the answer is just a long hesitation, then the answer is really Yes, and you have to leave.

If the point is not be cruel or feel bad, then don't wind it down to "This is really better for the both of us" Someone who is mentally ill, nothing is going to be better for them. Just be blunt with yourself. You want out. And that's all there is to it.

When you do it, and he'll ask, Why, is it X? Is it Y? Just say the relationship is over, you wish him the best and walk out.

Here's the part no one wants to hear.

A real Captain understands there is no mercy. Zero tolerance. Zero mercy. Good decision, bad decision, everything is your fault. That's the price of being a Captain. Nothing hurt me more badly than really understanding that in the worst possible moments of my life, when I was living with a woman, that as soon as I walked through that front door, that the only thing that really mattered is her assessment at the time and place right there of what I could bring into her life that was positive. It should be a "safe place" Society tells you it's a safe place. The movies you watch, the books you read, tell you it should be a safe place. It is not a safe place. It is the most merciless place on the entire planet. You must always lead. You must always have an answer. You must always take the fault no matter what. You cannot show weakness. You can't show doubt. You can't slip up even just once.

When a relationship is over, it's not like the movies. It's not like a book. It's not like a TV plot. It's a tiny event. A slight glance. A sigh. A brief moment. A speck in time. That's how zero tolerance really happens, a flash and a flicker.

If I sound cold and callous and jaded, I am not. Because writing this is true to me, true to what I've seen of this vast world and it absolutely breaks my heart inside. It tears my heart into pieces to understand this. I'm sorry for his pain, but I'd be more sorry if you stayed and he had to simply extend the timeline of the "ending" and see, even just for a second, a look of resentment that will never ever go away.

He's no Captain. Fair or not. Because it is unfair, but this is how the game is played. A real Captain, whether he can conceive it or not, should expect no mercy at all.

Ask yourself the question. When you hesitate, it's time to go. The mistake is not looking for mercy first, the mistake is thinking it ever applied at all in the first place.

I'm genuinely sorry for his pain and for your pain. I would wish better for you if better was there to be had. Good luck moving forward.

Title	Depression and the captain
Author	hernamewaslola2007
Upvotes	10
Comments	40
Date	November 7, 2017 3:07 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7baeuh/depression_and_the_captain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/depression-and-the-captain.73725 https://theredarchive.com/post/73725

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