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[–]Buckley9213 points14 points15 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Tell him that it's a non negotiable, and you are in pain. That you are NOT being selfish for not wanting to be in physical.pain anymore and shorten your life anymore, and you are NOT being selfish for wanting to care about your own needs for once.
If he declares your marriage to be over or threatens you with divorce because of it, he's a horrible, low value man who only loves money. Any real husband would insist a wife in physical pain would step down from their job and find something less stressful.
I'd look for a strong, experienced divorce lawyer to protect your assets from him if he hints at divorce.
Tell your family that if they are anything less than supportive, they will no longer be welcome.
[–]Kind_Entertainment_62 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
100% this, any man who would prioritize your money over health is simply - low value- point blank.
Have a conversation with him and if he is firm where he stands, then you are finally met with who you married and can prepare
[–]ThatStepfordGalEarly 20s, LTR6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Minimalise your life. The quality that you live is what matters, having the basics and making it through. Your husband should be stepping up, especially if he’s the captain of your family. Think to when you’re much older, retired. No one in their 80s ever says they wish they worked more. It’s not worth it to what you trade away.
[–]Jikira24, LTR 5 Years, Career Woman4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Hmm I work in tech, this seems more like a company issue then industry. I don’t know what field within tech you do, but I have been a software engineer, tpm, and currently am a devops engineer. I make it a point not to stay at any company that does not fit my lifestyle. Sometimes it just a team issue as well. If you decide to leave tech, be wary because most good careers have bad employers. Jobs have to be vetted as well and you have to be willing to walk away. Which is personally ok!
I tell everyone this but if you want a work life balance you need to set boundaries when you start and leave if they break them.
In regards to your husband, I say the best thing to do is bring to him a plan. Have your next steps already lined up. I don’t have any comments on his reaction, because I’m sure most people will have an emotional response towards the higher income spouse wanting to change their careers. I don’t really think it necessarily means he loved you only for the money. Have you talked to him at all though? It seems you are speculating what he would do.
On a side note I developed a condition where I have intense migraines as well. It really effected my work performance.
[–][deleted] 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Jikira24, LTR 5 Years, Career Woman3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
it’s employer-driven. But in the last 6 years I’ve quit 2 jobs (w/something else lined up) due to work-life balance
I have been working for around 4 years now in tech, My first year I switched jobs at least 4 times.
I’ve had 2 hiring managers lie to my face. Also had a manager (3rd employer) not understand why I couldn’t be at work the day after major surgery.
They always lie, I prefer to ask them about what a successful candidate looks like/or about the last person to have the job.. this usually give me enough info about how they treat the employees.
I’d love to hear what company let’s a SW Engineer/TPM/DevOps person have a life! 40 hour weeks?
I have a little formula I look into when deciding what companies to go to.
I tend to look at a mixture of these things number 1 is a hard rule for me but the other three can be flexible. Any company that talks about being innovation or building a new product is red flag for me. I look for companies that just want to maintain.
I tried speaking with my husband and he wasn’t Ok with it. He feels I have no transferable skills; sees my “jumpy” employment history as my fault (not familiar w tech at ALL). He’s expressed a great deal of frustration about the work I’ve missed as well as the snarky comments my colleagues have felt free to make to him & his family.
Tech is literally the most transferable skill out there. Literally every company needs someone who handles tech/software. Your colleagues have made comments to your husband??? This sounds like a very toxic environment. Jumpy employment history is quite the standard for people in tech and honestly it is not worth it to stay at a company for too long.
I hope this helps, I can't really give advice on how to deal with your husband. I agree that you do not need to stay at this job. Hopefully some of the older ladies can help with that. I think you can definitely find a less stressful job in tech or a derivative of it.
[–]Buckley921 point2 points3 points 3 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Let me get this straight. Your husband wasn't 'OK' with you quitting a job when you are literally in pain?
He's disgusting. Quit anyway. Stand up to him. You don't need his permission. You are not his slave and not his little girl. Tell him that.
He's 'expressed a great deal of frustration about the work you've missed'... WHEN YOU ARE LITERALLY WORKING TEN PLUS HOUR DAYS, HELLO! Is HE working that much?! If no, then he's even more disgusting for bringing this up.
The snarky colleague comments... Why are he and his family even talking to your colleagues? My mom certainly never talked to my dad's colleagues when he had a job! Unless it was a very rare occasion he brought his boss home. Just his boss. Not the others. Even if it's an 'everyone knows everyone' small town... people talk there, people have attitudes, people have complexes. Besides, I thought you liked your colleagues?
No transferrable skills... Jumpy employment history... Classic gaslighting and manipulation 101.
Are you sure your husband isn't the one who's the real problem here and you need to (possibly, not definitely) look at separation and child custody/support?
I had an ex who worked in tech. He was a change manager at first of all a government department and then a bank.
You could also see if being a policy analyst or business analyst is right for you. My friend who was a BA generally had 8.5 hour days.
[–][deleted] 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Buckley921 point2 points3 points 3 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
You have the right to threaten to sue if your workplace is this level of toxic. Get a lawyer who engages in that kind of claim to start by writing a very nasty letter to HR to stop the online and in person comments. If it gets you fired, escalate to an actual lawsuit.
Document all of the in person and online comments you get, with evidence, so they can't claim it's an at will firing/targeting and that you are actually being harassed.
I would give your husband's family an ultimatum. Either they shut up or they are no longer welcome in YOUR home. And that you really don't give a damn about their culture.
And give husband a similar ultimatum. YOU are quitting YOUR job, and if HE threatens you with divorce, he will get absolutely nothing from you.
Your husband should NOT be talking to your coworkers AT ALL behind your back. Would you talk to his boss or coworkers behind his back, even if they DM'd you first?
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[–]Buckley9213 points14 points15 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Kind_Entertainment_62 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ThatStepfordGalEarly 20s, LTR6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Jikira24, LTR 5 Years, Career Woman4 points5 points6 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Jikira24, LTR 5 Years, Career Woman3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Buckley921 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
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[–]Buckley921 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
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[–]AutoModerator[M] -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link