How to deal with a partner that while most of the time an Amazing, sweet, loving guy can sometimes be a narcissistic asshole with anger management issues?

yeaitssoph · 2021-05-06T20:34:10+00:00

I would advise you guys to seek couple therapy, considering you both have a lot of baggage to unpack and its wise to do so while being guided by an outsider that can analyze it all without any emotional attachment.

I used to have a similar issue with my bf, when these things used to happen I would repeat the same words he used, showing him what he was saying, what he was saying meant to me and what those words made me feel and remember (I too have past traumas)

With that, he was able to understand more clearly what exactly he was doing wrong and slowly but surely he started to deal with his issues better and nowadays we only deal with minor hiccups on our communication.

Be clear and precise when criticizing someone so that they can have a very obvious guideline of what to do to better themselves for the sake of your relationship, if he refuses to listen and understand I would see it as a redflag and would advise you to breakup.

spotted_kat · 2021-05-06T21:28:34+00:00

Here is my advice to you:

1) stop with the labels and the psycho-analyzing. It’s not actually helping you or him to relate any better or to have a healthier dynamic by using all these loaded labels to define yourselves and relationship. “Narcissitic” “ptsd” “codependent” “trauma”! Does that sound like a relationship to you that will ever function and be healthy? No. Give yourself a fighting chance.

2) you are not a verbal punching bag. Physically walk away when it is emotionally too much for you to bear. We teach other people how to treat us, but that also means you must treat YOURSELF with the respect you expect from others. I like to think: If this was my daughter or myself as a child, would I want to protect her from this? Or is this an important discomfort for her to experience? (There is a fine line between running away when things are uncomfortable versus protecting oneself) tell him you will come back when he isn’t as worked up and you can continue the discussion if that’s what he wants to do or you can both let it go.

Yes, work on improving yourself, but be careful not to take on more responsibility than what is rightfully yours when it comes to his behavior.

No-Ad3205 · 2021-05-07T02:28:00+00:00

I would say the answer is simple—get counseling.

And your counselor is only as good as the information you are able to relay to them. Go in and first explain that this is a nuanced and complicated relationship—many people cannot understand nuance and that life is messy. You need to articulately explain the nuance of him being mostly good and just how good with examples and then not minimize or soften the downsides so the counselor can help him.

If he is genuinely good and has these darker moments, he may have trauma or unresolved issues—the problem is not you. You need to internalize this. No matter what you do accidentally, a person—your partner—is accountable and responsible for his response and he should never respond this way. It is bad and he therefore has actual issues that he needs to work on.

You get to decide if you can thrive in life in the meantime while his issues are worked on. Simple.

MirriMazDuur · 2021-05-07T07:37:59+00:00

I have an anxiety disorder and am freshly engaged to a loving man who has had anxiety disorders and seems to have inherited his father's anger issues. Here are two things I did to make him more calm. 1. Whenever he is angry at something I never ever counteract it by yelling back. I actively try to be sweet (which does NOT come naturally to me) and just pat his chest and tell him "yes honey, you are right"/"no need to push yourself, darling". 2. Whenever he is angry or critical of me I just put my foot down, keep my head straight and say "do NOT yell at me", "do NOT insult me". It's very important to say these things, and ONLY these things. Do not slip a "do not yell at me" between you making your actual arguments, like "do not yell at me because it was your turn to do the dishes", it doesn't accomplish anything. 3. I never lash at him, never insult him, compare him to other men. None of these work if you slip up and ever yell at him and insult him. This does not work if you do other things which might emasculate him.

As you move in together, you will sort it out. I have gotten less emotional throughout the years. If your house is in order you will both be less emotional. It does get better, trust me!

Be_the_sun · 2021-05-07T05:33:42+00:00

Talk with him about his feelings and needs and tell him yours too. It takes a lot of time for both of you to get into the habit of asking „what do you need?“ in the beginning/middle of an argument instead of an angry „what is your problem/what do you want from me?!“. My husband and I used to be in a similar situation a few years back and since working on how to solve conflicts, our marriage has improved drastically. That does not mean that conflicts don’t happen. They happen but we benefit from them. They tell us that something is not the way it should be and we use this opportunity to find out what it is. Like other users already suggested: counseling sounds great. It’s always good to have a certain time & person to talk about feelings.

reddishrobin · 2021-05-09T11:44:58+00:00

When he has an anger attack, walk away and shut yourself in a different room until he calms down. Expecting him to nurture you sounds pretty unrealistic. People don't change.

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