I lost my teens to LVM. From age 13 to 21, I was never single for more than a few months. I never got the chance to take time to myself, to love myself, to discover myself – because I was so absorbed in giving myself away to LVM who didn’t deserve me. Towards the end of my last relationship, I had a terrifying epiphany – I didn’t know who I was. I wasted years that were crucial to my individual development by revolving my identity around LVM. They each took their turns tearing me down till I was just a shell of myself.

My last relationship was my longest, of about 4 years. We got together when I was 17, less than a month after getting my heart stomped on by yet another LVM. I never gave myself time to recover. I was raised to believe that I was incapable of functioning on my own in life, so I turned to men to fill this pseudo-void. I didn’t know what I deserved, as virtually all of the men I was exposed to as a child were LVM and no one questioned it. I always saw my mom getting mistreated by them and saw it as normal and just “a part of love.”

Going back to my last relationship, I look back at how much I put up with and it angers me. He was an insecure narcissist who used my love, lust and empathy against me whenever I dared to question or call out his shitty behavior. He was also an alcoholic with an anger problem that almost always jumped out when he was drunk. I lost touch with my family, with myself, and then he started chipping away at my relationship with my only friends – he went from liking them to letting me know how they were “bitches” and how much he disliked them. He would blow up my phone if I was enjoying my time with my friends instead of responding to him.

He would leave me screaming, yelling, shaking, in tears, and then gaslight and love bomb me into forgetting why I was even so upset in the first place. It was a vicious cycle that lasted for 4 years. It got to the point where I was almost constantly disassociated and questioning my own reality. God, I have so many stories of the bullshit I endured. One time he tried to gaslight me over the misplacement of a fucking kitchen utensil! 🙄 It got to a point where I had to keep a secret log of the bullshit he said/did so I didn't feel like I was losing my mind. Today I look back on the first red flag I remember seeing from him, which was in the first month of us visiting each other in real life (we met online). I think, “oh, if only I had known my worth back then…” All of the time, money, resources, and energy I would’ve saved.

The final straw was when he, for the first time, put his hands on me maliciously. I always thought that he would never resort to that. But the reality is, if he can emotionally abuse, if he can physically intimidate you, he can and will physically abuse you eventually.

Shortly after, I discovered FDS. I downloaded a copy of “Why Does He Do That?” I told myself that out of all the times I tried to leave, this would be the attempt that would work. I asked myself what I had been doing all those other times I got sucked back in, and what I should do differently this time. My first mistake was giving him access to me during these breakup attempts. He would insist I talk to him face to face and that’s where his manipulation was most effective. So this time, I left our apartment, stayed with a friend, and didn’t come back until the day he moved out. The second thing I decided to do differently was using logic and knowledge to my advantage so that I wouldn’t cave emotionally. Everything I read was a complete game changer for me. I could see clearly through all the different manipulation tactics he tried to pull to get me back. Something clicked within me, and I was FINALLY able to end things for good.

After he left, my life changed for the better rapidly. My family was so happy to get to see me again. The most moving moment for me is when my grandma came up to me, hugged me and cried and said how happy she was to have her granddaughter back.

I had a celebration of my freedom with my friends. We had a lot of fun, and at the end I tore him off the last picture I had of us, burned it, and screamed "fuck you!" into the woods. It felt great.

My life finally started looking less bleak. I could actually think full thoughts without his loud mouth constantly blaring in the background. I had the will and the space to focus on myself. I started taking better care of myself. I came to terms with my queerness (something I suppressed because it made him insecure). I was able to find joy in my hobbies again. All of the low self worth and insecurity I thought I was stuck with vanished. My depression and anxiety became so much easier to manage. I was absolutely glowing with so much confidence and happiness. And now that I finally know what it’s like to be free, and the good things that can come out of dating MYSELF – I never want this feeling to go away. Although I lost most of my teens to LVM, I'm grateful that my awakening happened sooner than later. Now I can end this vicious generational cycle and encourage the other young women in my family to do the same. Thank you so much FDS for helping me level up!