ive been in an ltr for almost a year now. in the beginning, i assume she saw me as “alpha” or a fuck boy. i wouldn’t prioritize her, i would talk down to her playfully without caring, and she even saw me out with another girl after she gave me head the day before because i just didn’t care and she thought we were exclusive.

however since getting into trp ive felt off. all these comments about how “your girl will cheat on you given the chance” or “shes only with you cause your the best she can get currently” or “shes flirting and eyeing others behind your back” or wondering if im being used as a beta make me not want to be with her cause what if its true? that its a lie that she says positive things about me like im the best and fuck her the best etc. and her past is bothering me too. her n count is 4 and she gave head to 2 others. but how can i believe her? and even if its considered low, it just doesnt feel right to me that she’s been with others like that before - a woman’s personality never changes. i just cant be close anymore with her. im back to treating her like a sex doll, but part of me wants to go back to having inside jokes with her again, acting silly, doing gay shit like going to our favorite secret spots and listening to our songs and shit. but i just cant because i feel disgusted she got with a bunch of others before and fucking had dick in her mouth with low smv chumps. i cant be with someone that’s been “used” and i sure as hell wont settle even if the fount is low - its not in my personality. i ended up cheating like a piece of shit because i felt betrayed and not the same in a way after trp and analyzing her past more. id appreciate any advice for my mental hole