Just broke up with my LTR 3.5 years.

What comes below is the raw, truth and account of a guy that made many mistakes, sometimes got it right... But ultimately - got it right in the end here.

Doesn't mean it still doesn't sting.

it all started out wrong. I was a writer/director with my own theatre show. She was an actress in the show. Married. Never mentioned the 'husband'.

I, was foolish, fool-hardy and arrogant.

This is 2017- pre my deep red-pill realisation.

This comes later... after the start of the drama... when I was too much of a weak blue-pilled pussy to walk.

We're hooking up. She s married. I am still seeing other women. Fucking them. I have about four on the go at this time.

But this one, this 'actress' seems to get me'. (you know how it goes)....

She tells me she's in love with me, I am 'her person' and she will have me as her side piece.

I am like... right...

Anyway, I keep on banging them all. I never lead her to believe otherwise. She finds out. Flips. My blue-pilled ways, placate, defend, rationalise and explain - like a chump.

Her literal abuse - goes on for months. I keep pleading my case, like a bitch. Anxiety and all sorts of nonsense ensue.

She leaves her husband - then holds that over me. Like, I owe her something - particularly how I betrayed her by fucking other women while she was married and having an affair with me.

Like I said, this is a cluster fuck of what not to do.

She got physical - punching me in the face, throwing shit at me, pulling a knife...

Then, like a dickhead, I took the bait - started to defend myself, but yeah man, I'm a dude.

Did that deter her? No.

I talk her into therapy. She will only go if I go. I say okay. I got shit to work on.

Turns out ol' mate thinks she has BPD. Looks like it. Do I run? No. But I find the redpill. I have kids from a previous relationship, that I have never introduced to any other woman. Swore I would't, unless - I was serious about her.

This weighs on my mind. So does the fact I had already promised I would not let my 2 boys come from a broken home. I had already failed there.

Now, again? After they have grown attached to her, and her son? They are like brothers now. Guilt, duty, fleeting moments of happiness and sunk cost fallacy and all the wrong reasons keep in it...

A pattern of abuse, blame and psychosis revolves on an infinite loop for years.

In the midst I find TRP. I start to re-engage with who I was before I met this woman. Who I was that made me attractive to her in the first place.

She settles right the fuck down after a few months. Things go, 'well'. She starts to listen, acknowledge, and, quote unquote, behave.... In short bursts, that turned into longer bouts, before she couldn't suppress that shit anymore... Which would then erupt into bouts of anger, aggression and literal abuse.

Which I would then always either threaten to leave, leave, or tell her to leave. A temporary solution. Even though she knew I would, had, and did... She knew I loved that tight Eurasian pussy-because I was weak.

Oneitis. Weak for pussy. Could have had pussy from numerous places, but no - blue pill 'loyalty' was in me - even when I was being treated like a cunt... Which in fairness, I deserved -you teach people how to treat you.

On the back of here having me rail her, choke her, degrade her, while giving here the beta bux... She was aware enough of the dynamics too..

'Your like the alpha I wanna fuck, but also caring, provider type'... This, to me is the LTR key. Because I was, and am, able to be both - and it made her literally crazy for my cock. Apparently no other dude had 'throw down', she had to initiate etc (all the shit we've heard before)... Made her gagging for it. Anyway, where and how I liked... Playing right into my own weakness of pussy - no matter how crazy.

You give them the Alpha, then in an LTR, you give them the beta stuff and provider shit - if you can pull t off, you get the, 'I've never actually met a guy that can give me both like this before'.

Which is all well and good. I assume - if she isn't batshit crazy and you're so far inside it you cannot recognise how fucked you've allowed it all to become.

So, yesterday she accused me of messaging skanks on social, which I never use. Or, would never do. I hate social media. She knows this. Which she also reasoned was why it was so weird.

Enough is finally enough. The battle of the redpill/bluepill/duty etc is done.

I have always thought I was willing to walk away. Nope. I was only willing to pretend I was willing to walk.

Hence the myriad of bullshit I let myself tolerate, rationalise, and get pulled into.

This is raw and rambling. For that I apologise. This happened not more than a few hours ago. The realisation that I have been a total fuckwit for almost 4 years... While reading and lurking here.

No, that's not what I let happen.

You gotta separate the micro from the macro otherwise pretty soon it all starts looking the same.

It all seems so simple in theory, right?

I even believe for the latter half/perhaps third of this debacle, I was purely living in the 80/20 (80 alpha/20 beta) type existence - but by then it was too late. Too much garbage. Too much history, hurt, and ingrained behaviours.

They say LTR's are TRP on hard mode for a reason, right? This is a shining example - with some added stupid shit from the outset which should have been walked away from immediately.

I guess I am writing this as an extended type of field report, a cautionary tale, and as a cathartic exercise.

I am writing this knowing and accepting full responsibility for my mistakes, actions, and experience.

I should have walked many times. I should have done XYZ a thousand times over.

I should have been better.

This I vow, I will now.

I will improve. Learn. Spin plates again and, enjoy.

If you made it this far, I hope it helped you in some way.

TLDR: Guy in relationship that was a disaster from the start finally calls it quits and shares his experience of abuse, torment and stupidity of his own making... Hoping someone can learn from his own stupidity.

Onward and upward men.