Hey I posted recently about my friendship with a guy I developed a crush on, but who I've messed things up with. A quick overview - I met a guy online through a video game. He was very sweet at first, always messaging me and was there for me a lot when I was going through a breakup. He'd ask me to game very frequently and would message me most days.

Then he sort of disappeared for a few days, and he said it was because of his depression. He would come back for a few days and we'd message for a bit with him replying quite promptly usually. I don't expect my friends to message me all the time but I think I grew to realise that he is the sort of person who needs a lot of space and doesn't need to talk to friends all the time like I do. I have anxiety but I'm more of an extrovert, whereas he is clearly an introvert. I kind of wanted to hear from him a bit more but I reminded myself he is only a friend!

Anyway I've recently started to stream on Twitch, a fact I'm really proud of because I have quite severe social anxiety. The first few times I streamed though I relied heavily on alcohol to give me that Dutch courage. My friend watched my stream once and he was really encouraging and supportive, and said I did a good job. However a few days later I streamed again, this time on webcam and I didn't expect my friend to watch but he popped up and honestly I was so embarassed and I began drunkenly rambling about how I looked awful on webcam. I do often feel ugly but normally I keep these thoughts to myself or manage them when I'm sober. However I did just drunkenly waffle on and display all my insecurities.

However he stuck around for my stream but later left after an hour or so. He wasn't very chatty on my stream as he was gaming at the same time. I asked him how I did afterwards, as my anxiety is bad and I feel like I'm not a fun streamer and he replied 2 hours later saying "you did fine :)". I messaged him the next day saying I'm embarassed for being cringe on mic and for the fact that he saw me on webcam. He came online but didn't reply to my message, left it unread. Then a few hours later I was so excited because I managed to stream sober so I told him that fact and he just ignored me again. I can't help but think I put him off by not looking as attractive on webcam as I do in selfies. I've since changed the angle of my webcam!

I messaged again and said I'm sorry for being a drunken mess but hopefully this is something we can have a conversation about. He ignored this message too and I got so anxious and felt so crap that eventually I just said if you're done with me do you want to just block me? And 2 minutes later he replied! Funny that. He said he always takes ages to reply to people. It's been days since that and I've not heard from him.

I'm just beating myself up because I acted in a really cringe and insecure way that I wouldn't have expressed if I had been sober during my stream. I'm sad at the lost potential because he was a good friend for a time and now he's just lost interest in me. I do have my insecurities and I'm just worried all it's going to do is scare people away. But at the same time surely he could have just reassured me that my stream was fine and it's ok, I was just drunk?