"Well behaved" children may actually just be morbidly terrified of doing something wrong, which is something that young children should never have to feel. A convenient child does NOT equal a healthy child.

ronak1112roshan · 2021-07-29T12:36:05+00:00

Its a rather long post, sorry about it. I just went with the flow, but please read it in its entirety. I am sure you will find stuff in there that is useful for you.

You have already identified the issues and also know where they stem from. Good that's the first step towards healing and being a better man.

Now, its time to put your nose to the grindstone and do the work. It will be tough, but nothing worth anything in this world is easy. Especially if you are a man.

I would suggest by reading books on masculinity like "The Way Of Men", "The Unplugged Alpha" etc. I am providing a link to download these for free that way you have no excuses for not downloading and reading a few pages a day. (Link: https://z-lib.org/)

Next thing would be to hit the gym if you have not already. A strong capable body will boost your confidence to unprecedented levels. Not to mention the spike in endorphins and testosterone will also help by improving your mood. To top it all off, it reduces stress and boosts immunity allowing you to live a more fulfilling life. Start with basic calisthenics to get used to moving your body in multiple planes of motion. As you dip your toes into the world of fitness, you will start fixing your nutrition as well to help you achieve your goals. YouTube has a lot of resources for this, research and implement them as it fits in your life. Try to be consistent, rather that perfect.

Now comes taking care of your purpose. I can glean from your post that you are well settled in life with a job that allows you live well. If it makes you happy, pour more energy into it and give your best to be the best possible you can be at it. If you are not happy, then find what your purpose is. If you can, try to monetize it so that you are fulfilled and have your basic needs taken care of. If not, try to pursue it as a side hustle so that at least it acts as a supplementary income. Either way, ensure that you are financially stable before you venture off as this world is hostile enough as it is. No need to make it tougher for yourself.

Next, fix your grooming. Set up a good routine to clean yourself up. Find out what makes you look the best: clean shaven, full beard, stubble beard, a mustache etc. Apply face wash regularly and shower well, cleaning all areas of your body (especially the groin and armpits). Learn how to dress well. Again, the internet has a lot of resources to learn how to dress well, how to mix and match outfits depending on the setting, the time of event etc. amongst other factors. Smelling good is a vital weapon in your arsenal to turn those "nice guy" complements into "damn, he is fresh" compliments. Good fragrances are very easy to apply and can level your outfit up, provided your other components are in place. Dental hygiene is also just as important as garlic breath will turn away just about everyone, not just women.

Find yourself a hobby. Everyone is interested in something or the other. For example, mine a reading, music, riding bikes, working out and cooking. These serve multiple purposes: mastering them takes time, effort and discipline which results in the hardening your mental fortitude, it gives you something to talk about and relate to more people allowing you to deepen your connections to the people around you and it also takes away time from just lying there like a dead log. Find what you like and explore it. Again, the internet is your best bet. Reddit has a community for near about anything.

Lastly, the most important tool to reducing your social anxiety is to approach people. It seems counterintuitive, but hear me out. I am not saying to have full fledged conversations with strangers on the street. Start small: say a friendly "Hi!" or "Hello" to a stranger walking down the road. It might seem awkward but you will eventually you will get used to being rejected. Sometimes, the other person will smile back and greet you too. Its daunting for about the first 30 times, then its easy and positive responses increase the more you do this. Make small talk with someone who does not seem busy. Maybe at the coffee shop, maybe at the supermarket while waiting at the line to check out or at the bus stop; ask about the weather, make positive observations about them ("Hey, that's a cute dog! Can I pet him/her?" or "That's a cool looking watch man! Which brand is it?") Do it in a easy casual way and put them at ease. Try to bounce off the responses they give and ask them questions based on their responses. Tip: most people love to talk about themselves. Keep at it, eventually it becomes effortless and a great way to make new connections (very important in today's world).

Lastly, learn a bit about cold reading and other analysis techniques which will allow you to read people easily. It downright magic if you are proficient enough at it. It also allows you to gauge people's reason of associating with you: whether they are with you because they actually want to or just to take advantage of you or worse, to harm you and drag you down. If you learn how to gauge people and their possible actions you might start trusting those who really want to connect with you because they want to.

PM me if you want to talk about it.

Loban8990 · 2021-07-29T22:42:11+00:00

Agreed. From experience. Grew up in a single parent home. Single mother. I used to get that alot as a kid as well. This post is on point.

peguy2000 · 2021-07-29T11:05:42+00:00

Thats a good perspective, thanks

brokendownoldman · 2021-07-31T10:40:45+00:00

I can relate. My parents divorced when I was 6, and ended up on opposite US coasts. In either household getting attention was dangerous, especially at my dad's. I'm middle-aged now, but when either parent brings up "happy" memories (for them maybe?) and I explain that they weren't so happy from my perspective, I'm told that I never complained or acted out. Yeah, my dad was a violent alcoholic and my mother was an emotionally unstable and easy to anger. Not acting out and attracting attention was survival.

GachaHater1 · 2021-07-30T07:32:54+00:00

I experienced the same thing and now look at me a depressed teen with chronic anxiety disorders, since I was 11. It was a good moment for us but when it came to the future well were bound to be doomed-

bilged · 2021-07-29T13:07:03+00:00

Why is you're first paragraph in quotes? If you're quoting something you should put the source.

Cherubin0 · 2021-07-29T13:26:23+00:00

Bs I know well behaved children and they have less anxiety than not so well behaved.

Mysterious-Dirt-6506 · 2021-07-29T18:04:54+00:00

I was well behaved. It wasn't because I was terrified. It's because I possessed empathy and consideration for others

Parents by and large have failed to teach their children to decenter, for a few generations now, and we are seeing the results

[deleted] · 2021-07-29T18:01:21+00:00

[deleted]

theoconomist · 2021-07-29T10:50:13+00:00

I grew up under severe parents. And I think that the anxiety was worth. There will always be some responsibilities and some overlord to worry about handling, it is better to be used to dealing with that and have disciplined habits: it gives you an edge into adulthood.

You can easily learn social skills and picking up women in a short time. But the maturity that you already have is invaluable and couldn't have been so easily caught up on.

[deleted] · 2021-07-30T23:24:31+00:00

[removed]

GreenAbbreviations91 · 2021-07-29T13:47:20+00:00

I'm more or less the same as you, I stopped expecting people to understand and I find meaning in setting aside time every day to read the Bible (been doing 30 minutes each in the morning, afternoon and evening). It's transformative, imbues life with vigor and I couldn't care less now for being understood by people.

I'm 25 and unmarried atm, had a difficult upbringing in a dysfunctional household where I witnessed blood and gore on the daily, and that messed me up real bad. Grew up complying with everything anyone demanded of me because that's what I'd been conditioned to do for fear of inviting violence. People told me I'm deadpan, real mature, a nice guy, good person, not attached to stuff, all sorts of epithets that meant nothing.

Used to binge a lot on stuff from the romance genre because it seemed real alluring to me, the prospect of finding someone that'd love me for real. But now, I don't do that. I don't even think of a female as the answer to the void in me anymore, simply because I don't feel empty now that I've started spending time with God every day.

Try it, it works.

y-EYE- · 2021-07-29T10:49:38+00:00

Start out by trying to make friends and be more social. Take risks and talk to people in public, even if you think the situation might end up awkward. It’ll be hard at first, but it will be worth it.

ReeGod · 2021-07-29T07:25:46+00:00

Woe is you!

That's a nice sob story and all that. Now what are you going to do about it?

Seems to me that you have identified the problem, so now would be the time to start working on a solution. For someone with an apparent logical brain, you are spending way too much time wallowing in self pity and not enough time solving the problem. I hate to be the first one to break this to you, but life isn't easy and it has no plans to get easier if you complain enough about it. Want to know how to make it easier? Level up. Improve yourself.

Cool you didn't learn something as a kid. So what excuse do you have for not learning it as an adult? Oh it's hard? Yea, so are many things in life. The only easy thing in life is complaining about it.

"Well behaved" children may actually just be morbidly terrified of doing something wrong, which is something that young children should never have to feel. A convenient child does NOT equal a healthy child.

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