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https://preview.redd.it/a8wiwwz9xsr41.jpg?width=2245&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=875a55222ae039b50179d72bd3b6439a179c9849

I decided to finally get off my ass and finish the home gym I put on the back burner for many years so I could continue my training while in quarantine. I bought gymnastics carpet mat along with horse stall mats for the flooring. I bought a title reflex bar so I could work on slips, rolls, blocking, etc. and finally I replaced my 4ft UFC heavy with a 5ft Hayabusa Heavy bag. In the picture of my home gym you will notice I have what inspired me as a kid hanging on the walls (Dragonball, Tekken, Street Fighter, etc.) so I can remember that pure "childlike" excitement I had growing up and now more or less living that dream.

Even if you are not familiar with the brand you will notice I have a "Hayabusa" heavy bag. Honestly I could not really consider my gym "complete" knowing that the bag was available and not having it. This is because when I decided that being a martial artist wasn't just a "phase" after my son was born and that it was a "lifestyle" change so I could be a father my son would be proud of I wanted to buy fighting equipment to symbolize that change. I decided on the Hayabusa brand. My gloves are Hayabusa. My Shin Guards are Hayabusa. My gym bag is Hayabusa. I have Hayabusa hoodies. Hell I even have a Hayabusa keychain on my keys. Hayabusa's logo is supposed to be a Peregrine Falcon with their motto being "Rise Above." Yes their logo/motto was likely developed by a marketing team to sell products HOWEVER it still resonates to me on a fundamental level. Why?

When I started doing martial arts by joining a MMA gym to learn Muay Thai is was primarily to learn self defense so I could protect my wife within the first year of marriage. In short I was training FOR my wife and not FOR myself. One of the many ways I performed actions that benefited my wife because she was the priority in my life at that time...while I was not the priority in her life. I do not know if I ever had depression but I will say that is the closest I felt to being depressed. Everything sucked and I felt like an utter failure from an academic standpoint since I failed my first year at a university, a career standpoint since I was unemployed and a marriage standpoint since my wife was avoiding me due to being depressed. I remember I would just sit at home playing Monster Hunter indirectly feeling sorry for myself since my wife was not there to help me in my time of need and even told me she was avoiding me because she didn't want to be around me while I was all "emo" which is why she was out all the time with her friends. I told my wife I have problems sleeping if I don't know if she's safe or not. Regardless she would stay out late again and again leaving me alone until something just...snapped. One night I was lying in bed waiting for my wife to come home and I faced facts. My wife did not love me. If she did love me she would not be doing something that both hurts me and puts her safety at risk. This was my "red pill moment". I was no longer sad about my situation and instead I was angry. Enter the infamous "Red Pill Rage" phase.

On one hand I liked how powerful I felt embracing "Red Pill Rage" however I could not shake the feeling that it was wrong to use. Deep down I knew under the influence of "Red Pill Rage" I just wasn't myself and did not want to be that person in life. As angry as I was for what my wife was doing I refused to change myself on a fundamental level and be "angry" all the time. I had to learn to control the rage and channel the anger towards improving myself. My chosen outlet was, you guessed it, martial arts. Whenever I would feel angry I would go hit my heavy bag. It was then, and only then, I realized just how utterly futile "Red Pill Rage" was. I would put on my gloves thinking I'm going to be hitting the bag hard for an extended amount of time...only to lose steam less than 2 minutes in. In short, in the moments of Red Pill Rage I FELT powerful however in reality I WAS weak. I'm not going to lie and say I figured it out "the first time" I hit the heavy bag. It was a process until it finally made sense. After that realization I was able to keep my Red Pill Rage in check. When I felt angry I would go to the heavy bag reminding myself to prioritize technique instead of prioritizing power. I did not want to train myself to fight out of anger. I wanted to train myself to fight to be a better person...and THAT'S when I discovered my passion for martial arts. In my darkest hour, martial arts was the light at the end of the tunnel.

In order to become who I am today, I had to rise above who I was.