The short story: 28 year hetro guy deciding to try the dating scene, heard about shit tests, ended up here wondering what Red Pill is

The long story: I've been battling depression for the past 10 years. It's mostly under control, but, at the moment, it's keeping me from getting a stable job. (More on that later.) It doesn't help that jobs of my specialty are limited (I'm a game programmer). I actually went for psychotherapy for a long time but gave up.

After a near mental breakdown at the end of my last job (lasting all of one month), I decided to take drastic action. I resigned, resumed psychotherapy, and decided to take a more aggressive tactic focusing on my emotional well-being rather then rationalizing my problems away.

Which brings me here. I decided, just as an experiment, to try and enter the dating scene, if only to gain confidence. Just a day digging into Tinder and I found a reference to shit tests.

What I do know is this: I've probably been failing shit tests left right and center - always going on the defensive on the slightest jab by people around me. I thought that just by focusing on my work I could ignore whatever people threw at me, if I met anyone did at all. My last job proved me wrong. I was so full of self-loathing that despite my productivity, I quickly realised that I might be poisoning my team (leading to the near-breakdown mentioned earlier).

I've come to the shocking realization that my professional life and my emotional social health are not as separate as I would like to be, as the few points below show:

  1. I have few friends (but the ones I have, all male, are valued companions). I do not have female friends that I do not know in a professional capacity - and certainly not anyone whom I think I might have a chance with. 1A. I desired few friends because I feel that I am more interested in topics that disinterest others (gaming, computer science, politics, economics, and the like).
  2. As a consequence, I chose to specialize in a profession that played to my strength, while seemingly excluding the need for social interaction.
  3. I prefer to be PC even while believing that things must be done properly despite opposition, leading to: 3A: I would rather agree to a flawed methodology than to try to "push my own agenda". 3B: Any discussion of differences of opinion tend to be long drawn, exhausting, and little gain for me. 3C: When looking for a job, I place too much importance on the employer's need without considering my own. EG: I would willingly negotiate a low, entry-level pay for a middle-level job (low enough to disqualify me for a credit card, which I am feeling the need to use).
  4. I am never truly satisfied with my job because I feel that I am never good enough - even despite genuine praise.

Having to consider a potential pitfall in dating has led me down this path of horrible self-discovery, and a pointed question: How often have I been stepped on just so I could appear to be nice?

I know I need time to fully digest TRP, but I do not want to hurt others by being assertive. And yet I find myself hurling constant mental abuse at myself because I couldn't fit into some impossible standard. It's like half of my mind is trying reprogram the other into a machine and they are fighting over dominance.

Like I said: I don't know much about what a "bluepiller" is, but I need to ask: Am I one? Is it worth the trouble staying as one?

[I might add more to this post later, but I need to eat now.]