Need a male perspective on my on divorce

2020-02-11T16:31:37+00:00

Why do you care? You filed for divorce. Obviously you still need to get some help with learning how to communicate or you would ask him why he does these passive aggressive behaviors and ask him to stop because they negatively affect you.

He’s hurting and trying to keep his shit together long enough to sell the house. He can’t avoid you, thus is the only way he can express his hostility. Godspeed on selling the house. Learn how engage in difficult or high conflict conversations in a fair and healthy manner.

InWeGoNow · 2020-02-11T17:38:31+00:00

Honestly, just stop. You two aren't in a good situation right now. Judging how the other grieves will not help. Later saying "I talked to other divorced guys about you" won't help either. He has his own issues to deal with no doubt, but its time for you each to fix yourselves instead of worrying about the other. Get over the fact that he's mad at home and fix why you're mad on Reddit. You'll both be better off. Good luck with a speedy house sale. I wish you two luck!

seamus801 · 2020-02-11T17:30:16+00:00

Ego and guilt.

Even though he is over the marriage, he is insecure and wants to be wanted/desirable and in control. it hurts him that you don't care for him even though he knows the relationship is over. it also hurts that he has no control over the situation and may be planting scenarios to try to control something if it is only some feeble hold on your emotional heart strings.

he may feel guilt over allowing his marriage erode, especially if kids are involved. this could be his mind protecting him by convincing himself that it's your fault.

let it lie, you're done. he'll work through various stages of coping and eventually move on.

SingleISuppose · 2020-02-11T16:09:26+00:00

What kind of comments is he making? For me, in the time between the divorce talk and the moving out part of the situation I finally felt like I could say the things out loud that I had always wanted to say but tiptoed around. Things like "you couldn't even rinse out the sink?" or "why did you leave the garbage can in the middle of the kitchen?". I wasn't even saying these things to her, they were said quietly when she wasn't even in the room. It was like I had a newfound freedom to do a little bitching of my own. A freedom that I didn't feel like I had before.

Did I want a reaction out of her? Honestly? I didn't even care if she heard it or not... but if she did, what would the consequences be? She gets mad? Oh well. I was already mad, she was leaving me for a coworker... who cares if I piss her off. It's my house and I'm going to say things out loud if I feel like it.

Does any of that make me a narcissist? I honestly don't think so, but I really have no idea... it seems like that term gets thrown around a little too much.

HornyVikingMN · 2020-02-11T16:39:15+00:00

Disclosure: I'm not divorced. But I still think I might know what's happening. Just my opinion based on what you've given us, of course.

He sounds a little like my boys when they were young. One of them in particular - in response to physical pain or emotional pain he would get angry and want to lash out rather than admit he was in pain. Is that male pride? Maybe, but he was 4 - so I don't know how much stereotypical male behaviors he'd picked up at such a young age.

I don't know where you're from, but in the U.S. and other places many men still don't know how to process and deal with being hurt. It's the primal "fight or flight" response, and their immediate reaction is anger. In his case, the anger is being expressed in snide passive/aggressive comments. He's either trying to hurt you back or provoke you into a conversation. It's not mature, and probably won't be productive or even satisfying for him. But that's my guess about what he's doing.

2020-02-11T20:03:18+00:00

It's over. Move on. Keep doing what you're doing. Log the juvenile behavior in a journal.

JustOkIsOk · 2020-02-11T17:39:41+00:00

wow, outside of the age and the behavior of your STBXH you sound like my STBXW. Just keep doing what you are doing. it's obvious he wants to make you think he has moved on. He wants you to think he has something going on with another woman. Possibly trying to entice you to reconcile. Like a kid don't give in to him demanding attention. Just do as you have been doing.

PositivityKnight · 2020-02-11T20:43:35+00:00

women have a sick way of twisting the knife. Don't twist the knife.

suzumakes · 2020-02-14T19:27:05+00:00

I’m smashing X to doubt here. If you filed I’d bet my left arm you’re still provoking him but now he’s not just apologizing for you being angry.

Not that it matters, just move on.

wwstewart · 2020-02-11T15:45:24+00:00

I'm fairly sure this isn't the right place for your question, but I'll go out on a limb here for a sec (since this sounds like something many (if not most) of us have dealt with)...

He sounds like he may have narcissistic tendencies. I would recommend looking up info on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if something there could help your situation. Not reacting to it is key. If you react, it will escalate. Both women and men do this stuff.

Best of luck to you.

Title	Need a male perspective on my on divorce
Author	CMB1876
Upvotes	1
Comments	13
Date	February 11, 2020 3:39 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/f2a0l9/need_a_male_perspective_on_my_on_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-a-male-perspective-on-my-on-divorce.818621 https://theredarchive.com/post/818621

Comments