Was sexually abused as a kid,still slightly scared of men and scared that I'll never be with anyone. Also crush on guy in class

SeasideJune · 2016-06-25T20:40:22+00:00

I've sought help I'm still somewhat scared of being fully open with me

First and foremost, all the advice on the internet can't give you the betterment that a trained, well-respected therapist can. If this is an option for you, look into pursuing it.

I'm a virgin at 21 and haven't even been kissed (except when I was a child but that doesn't count right?). I am also afraid that men will find my lack of any experience off putting.

I was almost exactly in your place a year ago. If there's one thing I can stress: do not let your virginity rub away at your self. What's one of the most attractive traits, and in my opinion a neccessary trait for a good relationship? Self-respect.

And the reasonable confidence that comes from self-respect.

Don't let this fear about what men like lower your confidence and stop men from liking you because of your lack of confidence. That's irrational.

Recognize personal traits you should change (rudeness, selfishness, unfaithful tendencies, etc) and work on those, and be confident in and own the things less under your control (virginity, bone structure, other people's actions etc). That's how you refine yourself into an ideal girlfriend.

We've never spoken and he's never shown any interest in me

Sometimes you can be the hottest, sweetest, most feminine woman and the one guy you like will never notice or care. The thing about "best" or "-est" or "most" is that it's relative. For reasons (again) that you can't control, you just might not be his type.

If he's truly not showing interest, don't get hung up on him and let guys who are actually attracted to you pass by.

You can't "make him" like you. As they say, "attraction can't be negotiated"

Mentathiel · 2016-06-25T20:41:36+00:00

First and foremost, I'm sorry that this happened to you. There's a lot to unpack in your post, but I'll hit a few of the high points that I think will help you to get a good start here with RPW and with taking control of this aspect of your life away from what happened to you when you were younger. I'll give you a few quick points for easy digestion, but feel free to ask myself or any of the ladies here for elaboration.

When I was 10 I decided that I never want to get married, have a relationship etc but I still fantasised about being in a relationship, having a man to take care of me etc so I now think that maybe I do want to get married. I mean what does a ten year old know right?

You're very self-aware and introspective to see that your ten-year-old self decided this out of self-preservation. Being honest about the reasons why you would like to find a man for a relationship/marriage is really important, and it's definitely something that RPW can help you to express.

I also have zero experience with men. I'm a virgin at 21 and haven't even been kissed (except when I was a child but that doesn't count right?). I am also afraid that men will find my lack of any experience off putting.

Try this shift in perspective: Consider that you aren't really concerned with what "men" think so much as what the man that you want to be in a relationship with thinks. RPW can also help you a whole lot with figuring out what you want in a man and how to vet him.

The other thing I want to ask is whether there's a chance for a "second first impression". I've been reading about the importance of first impressions and the guy I like is in my class and has been for the past year and a half. We've never spoken and he's never shown any interest in me

This changed into being about a specific guy in a specific situation. It's very good that you've seen a guy that you like, and that should give you some confidence for the future that you have the agency to decide for yourself what you like and what you don't like. I'm not going to get into specific strategies for trying to attract this specific guy in this specific situation because the ladies here can approach that for you in a better way than I can, imo.

I dress nice but not sexual and I take care of my skin but only wear lipstick to brighten up my face and no other make-up. I only leave the house when I think I look cute.

However, I will say this. It's really good that you take care of yourself because it shows that you are well on your way to taking back control over your life, and that will help you a lot to fit in here at RPW. Some people have a really difficult time in doing that in general, especially people who have been through abusive situations, and it's definitely a victory worth being mindful of.

I guess my question is do I still have any chance of making him like me if I dressed a bit more showy or wore make-up etc.

A big part of RPW is putting yourself in a situation to get the interest of the type of guy who you can then vet for being a good long-term partner. I don't have recommendations for handling this specific situation with this specific guy, as I said above, but figuring out the kind of guy that you think would be best for you in a long-term relationship will help you to figure out what kind of "bait" you should be using to attract those types of guys.

One last thing. If you don't have access to therapy for some reason, the Australian National University has a free online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) program called MoodGYM that's extremely good available here: https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Best of luck in everything, and welcome to RPW.

[deleted] · 2016-06-26T19:48:23+00:00

Hi Yukie! Aside from your unfortunate past, I know that being inexperienced can give one the jitters. I would suggest putting your past in the past as best you can and try to put yourself out there. Start by positioning yourself in places in which you can socialize with men and women. There is a lot of fear before starting anything new, but once we are in the thick of it, we often realize that we made a mountain out of a molehill. I don't mean to minimize your history, but in alot of cases, the best thing to do is to face your fears and DO IT. Don't feel that you are weird or damaged or anything, everyone has to deal with their own problems/trauma from childhood, but we do exactly that- we DEAL. Don't go further than what you are comfortable with. If after some time you still feel like you can't handle dating or being intimate, then go for additional therapy. However, you might just find a wonderful and understanding guy out there that will be patient, fulfills your desires, and you'll want to be a sexual being with him.

Since you've been around your crush for a year and a half, you are at least familiar with him, in that, he knows who you are, right? Ask him about an assignment, just a small question to open dialogue. See where that leads.

Slutty Mc SlutSluts will always get men's attention. Don't become one of them, they are a dime a dozen. At your age guys will drool over women that dress overly sexual (what am I saying.. at any age they will!), but that type of attention is short lived. Dressing feminine and tastefully will attract the kind of guy who wants more than just casual hookups; maybe it's your crush, maybe it isn't.

ABC_Florida · 2016-06-27T17:33:28+00:00

I think the best thing you can do, is to acknowledge the truth. You were abused, and it is not your fault. You are not the same as women your age. But this does not necessarily mean you are 'behind'. At this moment you stand no chance against women your age. The main issue is not your look, or lack of experience. It is the lack of confidence. You should accept that this is your path, and live your own instead of other's.

I'm still somewhat scared of being fully open with men (and even women to some extend).

There is nothing wrong with it. It keeps time to build trust. If someone is urging you, you move on. That's the solution.

I deflect personal questions and even though I would like to be desired and touched by men, I also am afraid of being seen as a sexual being (yes, I know it's contradictory and that's why it's so difficult).

Then don't get into situations, where you are only a sexual being. Avoid ONS, or guys, who do not stick around after weeks without sex.

I think first of all you should seek for professional help. Then you need to find someone you trust. Someone who won't see you as a "score". Be it a male childhood friend, who you saw growing up, and you are informed about his sexual life, you know he respects women. Either similar guy, or someone older, a bit jaded with women.

VigilantRedRooster · 2016-06-28T07:56:10+00:00

I'm really confused and kind of scared and I feel like the years are slipping away and I'll soon be "a woman of a certain age".

Sounds like you've been reading a lot of TRP, which is for men. Stop doing that for now, it's time to work on making your self-image better, not more distorted. You are not far behind the curve at your age, stop worrying. I know women up into their 50s who still struggle with childhood abuse, and others who experienced it but don't struggle. The common factors among those getting along best were self-awareness and determined self-exploration and improvement, healthy first intimate relationships in early adulthood, and a determination to not identify as a victim.

I'm a virgin at 21 and haven't even been kissed

That's good news. Tabula Rasa. The women whose childhoods still haunt them late in life almost always had abusive early boyfriends who exploited and therefore reinforced the childhood patterns into their adult identity, leading to deeply ingrained problems they could never shake. In your case, it's still before!

I am also afraid that men will find my lack of any experience off putting.

The right ones won't, especially once they come to know your life story. Whatever you do, don't tell anyone you're a virgin, until that individual has qualified himself to be intimate with you. There are guys who will see it as a special notch in their bedpost and lie to you. Present yourself as shy and not very experienced to prospects instead.

Inexperience becomes off-putting when a prospect can't tell if you're shy, or not that in to him. There's a wiiiiide dating sweet spot where you can give clear IOIs, and noticible (but carefully paced) escalation of physical interest (starting with simple looks and touches) between the extremes of so shy and slow he loses interest, and so bold and uninhibited that he loses respect.

I expect you'll find it becomes a lot less intimidating and more potentially exciting one you get some basic dating experience under your belt.

Remember, your first adult intimate relationships are critical to re-imprinting your brain with healthy patterns. Choose dates, and an eventual first boyfriend wisely. Respectful men are more likely to interpret shyness as disinterest and not push hard if they're attracted to you. Exploitative men will disregard boundaries and push harder than average to go out with you; do NOT misinterpret this as a special liking for you personally. To get your adult love life off to a good start, take care to turn away the pushy ones, and be on the lookout for those whose interest is expressed more subtly and politely.

the guy I like is in my class and has been for the past year and a half

Once you've selected a partner, exclusivity is a virtue. At the prospect level, make sure you're not idealizing a guy who'll never ask you out, and in the process miss other prospects who are ACTUALLY interested.

Take baby steps. Get yourself out there; cautiously, but out. Go on a couple of first dates. Experience chemistry, the thrill of that special person's mere proximity, the excitement of simply holding hands. You'll find a little basic experience puts the whole thing into a much more understandable and less intimidating perspective.

By all means, maintain a relationship with a GOOD counselor; a LOT of emotions are liable to come out when you start crossing intimacy thresholds. Never forget, your boyfriend, date, friends etc are NOT your therapist. If your therapist isn't moving you forward, look for another who will; there are a lot of clock-punchers in the business, who cynically do NOT want you to get better, ever.

Love and romance are great, I'm glad you're getting off to a cautious, introspective start, but don't sit on the sidelines of life forever. Good luck to you, the future is bright.

[deleted] · 2016-07-07T20:18:07+00:00

I'm a virgin at 21 and haven't even been kissed (except when I was a child but that doesn't count right?). I am also afraid that men will find my lack of any experience off putting.

As a man who is looking for a wife as a bit of a back burner thing, I view this as an unmitigated positive. Virginity before marriage = way, way lower chance of divorce. Not to mention less baggage and so on. If a knew a woman was a virgin who is marriage & family oriented, I would try very hard not to have sex with her unless I knew she was the one I planned on building my family with.

A man who has values that are more oriented around family and lifelong relationships is going to value you massively.

I also wouldn't worry too much about your age yet -- you're really just entering your prime years for attracting marriage-minded men. I wouldn't usually consider a woman below 20 to be a candidate for a serious relationship.

So, for actionable advice, I'd say:

Be open to dating & being courted by men over the next year or two without rushing too quickly into marriage. You want to know what you're worth.

Don't have casual sex, stay out of compromising situations. In pickup/manosphere material, we're constantly taught to "isolate and escalate" -- try not to be alone with a guy before you trust him, and even then have firm and clearly communicated boundaries. It's better to stay out of those situations, though.

Try to date one man at a time and get to know him, and don't accumulate a lot of beta orbiters or "male friends" in that time. You can work on improving yourself & figuring out your value in that time. Then you'll be 22-23 (prime age for marriage-minded men up into their early-mid 30s), and you will have an idea of your own particular taste in men. Chances are you could have a really great serious relationship with a quality man and be hitched and VERY happy by 25.

Re: This guy you're interesting in. It's somewhat rare for men to go from 'no interest' to 'interest' if they don't have some reason. I have never in my life noticed a girl I previously failed to notice just because she upgraded her looks, unless she was a BIG part of my life and I was somewhat close to her already. This could just be me, but I would say that if you're interested, try to figure out if there's a way for you to be around him more. Maybe he's in some particular club or extracurricular you could also get involved with, for instance. I would say it's probably best not to think too much about it, though -- there are a ton of great men out there, and you only need to find one.

Title	Was sexually abused as a kid,still slightly scared of men and scared that I'll never be with anyone. Also crush on guy in class
Author	Yukie2
Upvotes	7
Comments	10
Date	June 25, 2016 9:12 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4prsp0/was_sexually_abused_as_a_kidstill_slightly_scared/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/was-sexually-abused-as-a-kidstill-slightly-scared.86242 https://theredarchive.com/post/86242

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