Men of Reddit who have gone through custody battles with an extremely unreasonable, controlling partner: did the courts actually make things better or did things get worse?

That90sGuyMedia · 2019-04-16T04:35:45+00:00

Their mother insists on home-schooling, refuses to vaccinate, nurses the children until they decide to stop (usually between 4 and 5 years of age), and seems to do everything possible to increase the childrens’ dependence on her as though she is working to ensure that any shared custody arrangement would be pretty much impossible.

You ex is clearly not right in the head. I, unfortunately, haven't experienced something similar so I have nothing to say. My best advice would be to crosspost this in r/legaladvice.

turbulance4 · 2019-04-16T02:39:03+00:00

Wow, that is so similar to my situation. I'm not happy with how it turned out but to answer your general question, going to court did make it better, a little.

I was military, giving the ex a rather large CS. Visitation was 30 days/year (because I was serving overseas, and that's the amount of leave I was allowed)

Contract ended, came home. Told the ex I wanted more time, up to 50%, and that I couldn't afford the same amount of CS. She said she'd give me ≈25% but tough shit on the CS (I better get a job that pays just as much). Found the kid wasn't up to date on vaccines, tho I'm not sure if that is a political stance by the ex or just some other reason. Ex is homeschooling which I agreed with while overseas, but after returning I don't think my kid is being taught well enough. Told the ex we should put her on public school, she said no.

Finally decided to go up court. Court decided to go with the ex's schedule almost exactly (so I got 25%). Court explicitly stated that mother gets to decide the kid's education. The only positive result was that my CS was substantially reduced (which was the least important, in my eyes).

So yea... Court kind of sucked, a lot. But I least I'm only in financial ruin from the attorney fees, and not from the ongoing CS

Edit take a look at this wiki to see where your state stands on shared Parenting. Or shoot me a PM with your state and I'll give you my assessment of the situation. I've been doing a lot of study on the subject.

oafsalot · 2019-04-16T18:57:49+00:00

I couldn't even take my ex to court for over 2 years. She got lost in the system, either no one would report he location to my solicitor or they didn't' have an up to date one to report.

But once she was found out for who she truly was I got contact through social services, with a view to him coming to live with me if she didn't turn her life around. She was never going to do that. This didn't happen automatically however as social services believed I was myself a child abuser and rapist. They only called me to inform me my son was likely going to go in to care, and I'd have to arrange contact on those grounds.

Basically the courts were on my side from that point on, they all were informed that she has abused and neglecting all her kids repeatedly, with multiple interventions by police and social services.

But it took over 2 years to get there, and I'm sure as sure can be the system was stacked against me. The state wouldn't report on her location, even though they were legally obliged to do so. She lied and lied and lied about me to win support from social services and the courts.

In the end she couldn't hide the truth though, she was a terrible human being and she didn't deserve to raise children.

I can't help but feel that if she had never been found out I'd have never got to see my son. All the agencies were obstructive up until they learned the truth, and they would never have learned it in spite of everything I did to try to get access and contact.

j_middlefinger · 2019-04-16T02:44:47+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing, man. It’s bullshit that the courts aren’t able to actually compel testing to ensure that the child is actually being educated. I am grateful that I was out of the military before having kids - I had several deployments and a 3-year long tour assignment overseas. I can only imagine how terrible that would’ve been trying to deal with custodial issues like you did.

j_middlefinger · 2019-04-16T03:08:01+00:00

I've been in that situation, but it didn't turn out well, so I'm not sure you want my input.

Hyper controlling mother, who controlled access to my son, treated it as if she was the only parent, acted the entire time as if there was no visitation or custodial decision making on my part, and more or less just dared me to take her to court to rectify it all. She pulled the potential kidnapping angle, and she pulled the abusive angle.

I ultimately ran myself nearly into bankruptcy trying to fight her lies, and over the course of it, the court slowly but surely started to turn my way, largely because she was prone to outbursts, self repped and couldn't afford a lawyer, started to no show, etc.

The money ran out, though, and ultimately it was up to my son to contact me at 15 and try to mend fences. By that point, he was well and truly ruined, however, with (IMO), criminal levels of dependence upon her and a bevy of personality disorders in tow, just like Mom.

The courts CAN be fair, depending upon your judge and jurisdiction, but you'll have to spend to get to that point, so be prepared. I ran down 22K CAD to nothing, and probably needed about twice that.

Halafax · 2019-04-16T14:20:40+00:00

My ex is disturbed. I did not know that at the time, in fact, I was completely overwrought dealing with a situation I didn’t understand. And that was definitely a strike against me- I was presenting years of emotional abuse as I was trying to figure out how to deal with her surprise divorce.

My ex is extremely charming in the short term. She uses people up, but that takes quite a while for people to notice. In a situation like a divorce, that is a massive advantage. She did get a lot of sympathy, she simply tells people what they want to hear. It didn’t matter if she had evidence, she didn’t need any. People wanted to believe her.

That’s a bad combination. At the moment when she was attacking me by proxy through the system, I wasn’t looking so good. I sometimes hear this called “positioning”, and manipulative people do it all the time.

The issue in front of you hinges on your resources. If you can afford therapy for yourself and your kids, do that. Therapists that are willing to testify are rare and expensive. A guardian ad litem will prolly be needed, make sure you bring up every issue (vaccination, etc.) so that she has to defend herself for anything you feel is weird or controlling. Start making lists of people who have seen you parent and convince them to speak on your behalf.

Present yourself well. Be calm, any emotion will count against against you, but not her, the court is ok with emotional women.

I eventually got “joint custody”, but that was a farce. I got minimal visitation and had no means to enforce what she agreed to in the final decree. This is very common, the lawyers (both hers and yours, they just want it over and to be paid) will hide a bad deal in vague language.

All the emotional instability I brought up about my ex was ignored in the divorce, they didn’t care. Inside of two years she screwed up bad enough to go to prison, the system still was biased against me.

Some localities are better than others about bias, see what your lawyers has to say. In the meantime, do everything you can to appear stable, calm, and concerned about your kids.

j_middlefinger · 2019-04-16T13:56:59+00:00

Lawyer up. Talk to a lawyer before anything else, and don't do anything below until you get the greenlight from a lawyer. I am not a lawyer, and the below may or may not be useful to you.

One thing I wish I had done right off the bat; request the court order the children to a therapist, and you two to coparenting counseling. It would have saved my daughter an incredible amount of pain and suffering. Tip: Find a child therapist you like first, take them as soon as possible with or without mom's involvement. Your lawyer can help you with the terms necessary to justify it to the court.

Also; suggest coparenting therapy to mom next time she flies off the handle.

This goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway; you're being recorded from now on, so act like it. Never say anything to mom or the kids that you wouldn't say to them with the judge present.

Also; record everything. Get a little dedicated recorder to keep on you, record every interaction with mom. Check your state laws, find out if your state is a one-party or two-party state. If two party, make sure you tell mom she's being recorded on record and at the start of every interaction. When you go to court, make sure you get that wording included in the CO so you aren't obligated to notify any longer.

As to your specific case; anti-vaxers will often face resistance in court. Your lawyer will be able to tell you how the mediators/judges react to that crap. Home schooling, too, can be a button, particularly over the wishes of the other parent.

Good luck. Were I you, I wouldn't let the fear of the courts prevent me from pursuing a CO ( custody order ).

j_middlefinger · 2019-04-16T21:27:58+00:00

As it turns out, I am terrible at reddit and my replies keep mistakenly going to the main thread and not in response to those I am wanting to reply to...

rahsoft · 2019-04-17T00:49:21+00:00

I think you were lucky ( i say that in a polite way)

I was dragged through a shariah court in the gulf, my ex deliberately did not petition me for custody court( despite her being a lawyer herself) and tried to claim that i had been petitioned and that i should automatically lose the case( managed to find a lawyer after several would not represent me due to religious reasons) then my ex went to court in secret a second time and got custody without informing me or my lawyer. My rights as a father were trampled over ( and shairah does not recognise fathers as a caregiver )

had to appeal to the high court, but lost the appeal because the so called judges dont have any legal training( they are just imams) and the local culture is that the gulf arabs would rather make the wrong decision than admit they made a mistake..

i was denied any relationship with my child as i was not living in the country( I had to flee domestic violence).

my so called religious divorce is not even legal as it did not recognise my civil marriage in the UK and I'm trying to save up enough money to afford divorce, which is now a sham because the UK has changed the law so that you can only use irretrivbale breakdown of marriage( you can no longer use unreasonable behaviour eg domestic violence)....

i would say in your case depending on which country you live in is to find the local men's rights organisation to point to advice appropriate to your local, and of course lawyer up...

wish you the best of luck with your endeavour..

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