Do you have any advice for a woman on raising her boys?

throwaway15095 · 2016-11-23T21:47:00+00:00

Frankly.... don't focus on victimhood. For anyone, especially guys, tellling them they are victims just makes them weak, and you can't be weak, ESPECIALLY when people are out to get you. If they do note that life isn't fair, just acknowledge that, and focus on how it's the job of a person to play the hand they were dealt, not the hand they wish they had.

My advice would be to just act like your philosophy is normal, not focus on preaching it around them (never say anything in front of a 6 year old that you wouldn't be willing to let the whole world know), and focus instead on just making sure they understand that you cannot, and should not, expect to convert the whole world.

If problems come up, just focus in instilling the attitude that politics are just one small part of the world, not the whole world, and try to instill them with the concepts of discretion, tact, and try to get them to understand how many people find it difficult to have their ideas criticized. That's a key thing any person has to hold in society if they don't have the dominant understanding of reality: that people identify with their ideas and find it emotionally PAINFUL to have them challenged. Is this what you want do to a person of authority over a minor with a state backing them up?

Frankly, a lot of men's rights activists are laudable, admirable, pariahs. To succeed in life while holding unacceptable views requires discretion and tact. If I had a son under the age of 18, those are the values I would be trying to instill. Self reliant, personally accountable, discreet, and tactful. Young adults generally go through what has been described as a "messianic" stage, where they decide that the world needs fixing and they are the cure. This can be incredibly self destructive if not tempered by good life skills.

The_Joellercoaster · 2016-11-23T22:04:48+00:00

My advice would be to help them learn that they need to be able to be self-sustaining free-thinkers that are capable of being happy without needing a romantic partner. I know it sort of plays into the "be the one before you meet the one" kinda thing, but yeah. For what it's worth I'd give that advice to raising any kid of any gender or sexual orientation.

Just help them learn that through hard self-work and social kindness that they can be who they think the world NEEDS them to be, not just who some dickheads think they SHOULD be.

I teach high school and every day I see teenagers base everything they are on what others think of them and not on how they should feel about themselves. Kids today need to learn objectivity as quickly as possible because being an ego-centric attention whore is played out.

Help your boys find positive male role models and have them learn to articulate what they admire about them and why that matters. I've been fortunate enough to have some positive role models in my life and I also learned the importance of picking and choosing admirable traits to integrate into my life, even from guys I don't admire.

In summation, have them develop self-worth, a good friend network for positive emotional support, and find role models worth having.

As an addendum to that last bit make them go light on the pro athlete role model traits. Remember that success isn't a trait you can just acquire, it comes from hard work and some luck. I'm lucky that I've never been into sports, so I don't worship guys who play games professionally and make loads of money doing it. However, in recent years, I've really come to admire the types of men who are willing to do their all to succeed in another field, that of combat.

I know you don't want to link masculinity and war, but there are admirable figures out there, especially in the military. I recommend going the book, "Damn Few" by SEAL Officer Rorke Denver a read. If you like it, pass it on to your kids.

To give you a synopsis, he's a family man with at least two daughters, he worked hard to acquire the mental toughness and physical abilities necessary to survive SEAL training, he deployed but gives most of the action credit to other SEALS, especially the enlisted men he commanded, AND he even to became a SEAL instructor.

I'm a grown-ass man and I still find that inspirational. I admire that he did what he did, sure, but I admire even more the ways in which he did it. He handled himself with careful pride, he doesn't drink alcohol (he and I have that in common), and like most all members of our special operations forces, he continues to reach for that next ring on the ladder of excellence. And he's just one guy. Depending on your religious and political views, I could even recommend a few more books that a teen might like.

I know I rambled and I thank you for reading this far. I hope you get what you need and thank you for "crossing the aisle" and seeking healthy input from the community here.

Finally, Metallica albums guitar lessons, and no b.s. martial arts lessons are also great.

CountVonVague · 2016-11-23T23:10:06+00:00

Don't deride the kid's father in front of them or use him as an example of bad behavior. Doesn't matter if you're just letting off steam, don't do it.

AloysiusC · 2016-11-23T23:30:51+00:00

Ok it's true that for men and boys in general things are pretty tough. BUT that doesn't mean it has to be for your sons. Difficulties of society don't have to translate to difficulties for your sons. It's quite possible for them to have a great future despite the problems out there. I don't know enough about your situation to give you anything but generic advice. Do they have a father who is part of the family? And how is your relationship with him and how do they perceive it?

So here's some hopefully not too obvious advice: One of the hardest things for parents to realize is that their job is ultimately to prepare their children for a life without them. A life in the real world that is. Now currently the popular belief is that men and women are equal and, if anything, women are denied opportunities. This is outright false. On the contrary, as your boys grow up they'll soon learn (consciously or not) that many options open to girls are not open to them. They'll not be able to expect to marry somebody who will provide for them. More likely, they'll be expected to provide. More importantly, they'll be valued and judged according to their ability to provide. They won't be able to cry on youtube because of mean words and get crowdfunding. This is just how it is for most and selling them an imaginary ideal world where that isn't the case, is just going to handicap them rather than help.

That doesn't mean push them away or anything like that - just that they must have the capacity to cope with the big bad world without you. It's much easier for them if they're prepared for that earlier in life. Trying to make their lives as easy as possible now, will probably make their lives more difficult later on. Of course that goes completely against your instincts. And obviously I don't mean to deliberately expose them to hardship. Striking a balance is the key.

Novashadow115 · 2016-11-24T06:52:44+00:00

Please for the love of all that is holy make sure they have some decent male role models in their lives. Mentors, Fathers, peers, counselors. Solid positive influences can come out of nowhere, hold them tight.

perplexedm · 2016-11-24T07:55:48+00:00

Teach them how to discern truth from bullshit.

Teach them how creative things, for a starter, introduce them to /r/DIY (remember that sub is infiltrated now) concept.

Introduce them to give priority to science and maths.

Teach them not to be reactionary where it is not worth it.

Teach them to hold themselves in high regards, maintain their body language and attitude, which is getting rare these days.

For me this works for both the genders, not just for men. I tend to give higher priority to human rights and human behavior /psych than 'feelz'.

2016-11-24T09:03:19+00:00

Most schools aren't good at teaching boys. And even if your boys are doing well there usually are "boyish" things that the school isn't giving them.

So, when my kids were young I found out how boys on average learn and what it is that schools aren't giving them.

That led me and my wife, for example, reading them adventurous, fast moving books and then afterwards discussing them. Not the characters only or even the plot necessarily, but the "map" of the book (where things happened and how the plot moved around). I also played adventure games with them solving the problems together and discussing the game. Discussing TV-programs while watching them was a daily routine.

We allowed them a lot of freedom. For example, they both walked or took a bus to school without us at the age of seven. We just gave them mobile phones so that they could call us if they wanted to. I hope that gave them the independence and self-assurance the school necessarily wasn't giving.

They both played soccer to learn how boys work as a team.

There was more but these came to mind first.

So, my advice is to find out how boys learn skills and attitudes that schools don't necessarily give and then think what works for your family. (This goes for girls, too. But they don't need it as much because the school usually suits girls much better.)

PS. They both have become successful and happy as far as I can tell.

DougDante · 2016-11-24T01:19:42+00:00

Tell them you love them as often as possible. Tell them the truth with kindness.

Blutarg · 2016-11-24T02:00:42+00:00

My advice for anyone with children to raise is, be a better person. If you're cowardly or greedy or angry or whatever, your children will be, too (or they'll swing too far in the opposite direction). You don't like something? Fine, but that doesn't mean it's right to tell your kids it's no good. You're afraid of dogs or heights or Muslims? That's your right, but don't you dare force those fears upon a child. This isn't about you, it's about them (and the people who have to put up with them when they grow up, haha).

For boys, keep in mind that they might have a different way of handling things than you do, but that doesnt mak it wrong. For instance, if one of them has a bad day at school, they might not want to friggin' talk about it, preferring instead to just forget it ever happened. You might feel better talking about a bad day, and making your son talk about his bad day might make you feel better, but that doesn't mean they will, and as I said before, this isn't about you.

EricAllonde · 2016-11-24T04:44:18+00:00

One of the best things you could do is help them to grow up strong, independent and self-reliant. Of course that's going against the grain these days when we're on the brink of switching into what Prof Jonathan Haidt calls a "victimhood culture", where the status hierarchy is based on how victimised and oppressed you claim to be. It's a sick trend in my view, which will lead to a weakened society.

Prof Haidt points to a few things in childhood as causal factors in creating adults who are professional victims. They include:

Helicopter parenting: always being there to "rescue" your children from any negative consequences, failures or setbacks. You've got to stand back and let them succeed or fail on their own, so that they learn they can deal with setbacks and get back on their feet.
Lack of unstructured play time: scheduling every minute of the day in organised activities prevents kids from developing imagination, enquiry and exploration as habits, leaving them intellectually poorer as a result.
Excluding diverse opinions: these days everyone is more likely to exist in a bubble, where their world is organised so that they only hear opinions they already agree with. Especially if you're liberal (in the US meaning of the word), it's easy to associate only with likeminded friends, attend only events based on liberal ideals & ideas, and even Facebook will filter your newsfeed to be to your liking. That's extremely damaging for kids who are still developing mentally & intellectually. Make an effort to expose them to a wide range of ideas and get them to talk about what they think of each one.

If you can make the time, have a watch of this presentation by Prof Haidt on the topic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gatn5ameRr8

It's framed as being a discussion about the goals that universities should pursue, but it's actually a much deeper discussion about victimhood culture, its causes and its negative consequences. Now's the time to help strengthen your sons to resist its pull.

Lastly and on a somewhat different note, do what you can to help your sons appreciate and be proud of being male. They are going to encounter a huge amount of feminist propaganda that's negative towards men: masculinity is toxic, all men are potential rapists, all men are violent, all men oppress women all the time.

It's annoying to those of us who were fortunate to grow up before it really took hold; it's just a constant background hum of misandry that runs through news, social comment and the media - it's literally always there. But it only started after our formative years.

I fear for young boys today who have to deal with it at the same time as all the other confusion which comes with growing up. They're far more vulnerable to it than we are, they don't yet have a strong identity which can resist such continual denigration. When I see young men who've swallowed the Kool Aid, who apologise for being male or apologise to women on behalf of men, who've accepted the narrative that men are oppressors and that they carry the "original sin" of being part of the mythical patriarchy - well, my heart breaks for those sad shadows of the men they could have been.

Talk to your sons about what awaits them, about the anti-male propaganda that they'll encounter from the feminist-controlled media, universities and government in particular. Make sure they realise there's nothing wrong with being a man and prep them on the major myths and lies that they'll encounter. Hopefully that will be enough to let them thrive despite the misandry that will be directed at them and all the attempts to pull them down. Good luck.

2016-11-24T10:11:25+00:00

As you have already received so much good advice I would like to add only one single thing:

If they get shit for something they did/said: Have their backs. Let them feel that what they did/said was ok and that you support them.

Of course only if they didn't cross a line.

ElMorono · 2016-11-24T14:31:14+00:00

Just encourage them. Don't try to pinhole their hobbies or interests, or tell them what to think. Just tell them to think, and encourage them to make their own decisions when they come of age. You'll do fine.

xNOM · 2016-11-23T22:28:45+00:00

[permanently deleted]

WillMeatLover · 2016-11-24T08:21:02+00:00

Shut up. I hate you. Stop trying to make me believe in unicorns. Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. You're not real.

Anyway, all I can say about raising boys is educate them and teach them to be intellectual armchair thinkers. Young boys tend to have a crusader's energy about these things so you have to simultaneously educate them on the dangers and realities of the world, temper their fury at injustice, and help them avoid falling into the endless pits of void and despair.

Make them aware of danger, and teach them how to avoid it or face it, but don't inspire them to martyrdom. Brave men die first and all that. The best revenge is living well. (Revenge against a world that hates you, that is.) You don't want them to get to adulthood as jaded nihilists, basement dwelling losers, or looking at prison time because they had sex with a girl who drank a beer.

Presumably, you want them to do the best they can in this fucked up world.

MGTOWner · 2016-11-24T10:06:29+00:00

Tell them the truth. They need to be aware of the dangers they'll be facing as young men.

TechnoSam_Belpois · 2016-11-24T17:00:25+00:00

I couldn't tell if you were married or the father was active from the post, but the biggest piece of advice I can say is to make sure they have an active male role model. Young boys benefit greatly from someone actually showing them how men act.

Especially things like handling aggression. Men generally are more aggressive, and that's not a bad thing in and of itself. But they need to learn how to channel it, and there's only so far words can go. They need to see action.

inspiron3000 · 2016-11-25T15:31:47+00:00

1) They are not your possessions, they are human beings.
2) Don't try to raise them. Support them in their development.
3) Don't demand that they love you back.
4) Don't try to be a male role model for them.

Amazighs · 2016-11-23T23:01:38+00:00

I would say it will be nice if your kids have friends to play with in real life, it will be nice to let them socialize and play as much as they can with other boys.

I said this, because these days, with the new Tech, lots of kids like to play video games, using their tablets, computers instead of going out and play real life games.

Good luck.

Lethn · 2016-11-23T21:49:37+00:00

Don't be a bitch, that really is all there is to it, in all seriousness as well, I think one of the best things you could do for your boys is to not impose your beliefs on them no matter what, let them find their own paths, but again, that just falls under don't be a bitch :P

As long as that's all you focus on your boys will be fine, then all you have to worry about after are the SJW cultists who will try to make them hate themselves at some point or other.

Title	Do you have any advice for a woman on raising her boys?
Author	DowntownMango
Upvotes	29
Comments	47
Date	November 23, 2016 9:25 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/5ejv6z/do_you_have_any_advice_for_a_woman_on_raising_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/do-you-have-any-advice-for-a-woman-on-raising-her.937001 https://theredarchive.com/post/937001

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