Hello redpillers, I have been lurking this subreddit for a while now, and while I agree with most of the theory in this subreddit, the side bar and some of the manosphere blogs I have read over the months (RM and CH specially) I can't get myself to apply most of the theories on women.

I think part of that problem may be that I have weak inner game.

I want to explain a bit of my past so bare with me if I go and post a huge wall o' text:

My childhood was kind of OK. Everything was given to me, my dad had cash and a business and as a child I had everything I wanted. I lived with both of my parents and everything was fine (my dad is pretty redpill, kind of, always did what he wanted and had a kind of healthy relationship with my mom, she was 20 and he was 31 when they had me, they had their fights but I never saw my dad lose his cool, my mom once told me he cheated on her many times and even hit her sometimes but she still loved him, would that last thing be redpill? probably not).

I did move a lot though so I guess I never had a chance to make friends near home, but I was pretty social at school, I always had my pack of friends in every school. When I was around 10 I finally made some friends near home who would sometimes bully me or bust my balls, I would never complain but things would get out of hand sometimes.. since I still had good friends in school I didn't think much of it.

It was around the age of 8 when I learned how to masturbate and for the next 13 years I kept masturbating, every single day. (after many failed attempts and with a max of 10 days, I'm on day 5 of no fap 2014 now)

When I was around 12, my parents had a divorce. My dad was into some shady shit and was kind of unloyal to my mom, she got fed up and divorced my dad (this is what she told me, could be hamstering, I don't know, but to this day she tells me she would still be with him if he wasn't such an asshole). My dad never gave her half of the stuff like it happens in most divorces, and after 2 years he stopped paying alimony, not because he didn't want to but because he was kind of broke. (I still talk to him over the phone to this day, so does my sister and my mom, and nowadays those two talk over the phone like they were old friends).

My mom married some dude and had a kid with him, I love my half-brother by the way, though, my step-father is kind of bluepill, he is a bit short and buff but loses his cool a lot when my mom shit tests him.

Enough with the past and now with the present: Eventually with the divorce and shit, I moved once again (to a different country now) and had to make friends again, I made some but I would not socialize with them much for I had started to get myself into the world of videogames, internet and later on, anime.

While I was 14-18 my life consisted of nothing more than internet browsing (4chan, youtube, all that shit) videogames and watching anime. Friends would ask me to come hang out or party and I would ignore them or lie and say I was sick or not allowed to go out. Just so I can pull out all-nighters playing videogames. The result: Now I look back at those years and realize how much of an ass I was to my friends and regret losing that time I could have spent socializing, and slaying young pussy like most of my friends did (they are still my friends). The only good thing that came out of this period of not socializing was that after all that time playing games, lurking, browsing and reading anime subs, my English improved a lot (it's not my first language).

Over the years I lost interest in video games (not playing them as often, get bored within 1 hour of gameplay) same goes for anime (back then I would watch HOURS of anime per day, now I watch like ~25 minutes per week) and gained more interest in: actually having a social life, get drunk, get laid, have fun, so I started to go out with friends a lot more, get wasted a lot more and things were ok though I still was kind of awkward deep inside and couldn't get laid for shit.

I was 19 years old and I still was a kissless virgin, I couldn't stand it anymore and lost my virginity with a hooker (would never kiss a hooker/escort so I'm still a kissless virgin). I had sex 2 more times with 2 more hookers and that's it, I never picked up or gamed a girl by myself and had sex with her.

in late 2012 when I became 20, I fell in love (rather had oneitis) with a chick in my class, since I was pretty bluepill back then (I never really asked my dad for advice with women, I'm sure things would have been different if my parents hadn't divorced) I would do dumb shit like, be nice to her, give her compliments and pay her a lot of attention, change venue to where she was so I could look at her and prey she would say hi to me. Never confessed my "feelings" to her, I eventually learned she had a boyfriend (still together to this day) and called it quits, later on I realized that I didn't have any feelings for this chick, I just wanted to fuck her. Even though it was a shit experience, falling in love for this chick drove me to dress better, groom better and try to be more sociable and open.

In early 2013 I came across RSD and I would watch many of Tyler's, Julien's, Todd's and Jeffry's videos (they are all RSD instructors) in other words, I immersed myself into the PUA world, except I never really took action, I finally understood being a nice guy didn't work except that I had no bad experience with women because I was never rejected in the first place, because I'm too much of a pussy.

While RSD is nice you have to realize they have to make money somehow and I kind of grew tired of the PUA shit, later, I found Roissy's blog (CH) liked it a lot and kept reading that instead eventually came across TRP and liked it even more.

Fast forward to today, I don't play videogames anymore (every once in a while though.) I go out pretty much every weekend and I barely watch anime (1 episode per week of a show I'm watching) I'm a lot more social but I still have that insecurity of "will they accept me?" "am i good enough for them/her/him/whoever?" I got a bunch of redpill books to read, and I have been watching some movies that may be considered redpill (for some reason I can't get myself to watch most movies nowadays, too much bullshit BP love shit to even take it seriously)

To summarize:

-21 years old (6'3" 160lbs) -non-virgin (lost it to hooker) -kissless virgin -no driving license, no car -live in a small town (around 45k people, FUCKING EVERYONE KNOWS EACHOTHER) -no job, no cash, currently studying business administration and living with mom and stepdad -never had a girlfriend, never been rejected directly, neve