after contacting a lawyer and filing for divorce, giving up the fight entirely and giving her the what she wants, I documented just my basic feelings or primary thoughts over a couple of hours.

————-

Sadness 9:48

Fear of loneliness

rage , vindictiveness

(These are happening rapidly only minutes apart)

Helplessness 9:50

Plan making/bargaining/pleading 9:50

Dismissal (I don’t want/need her anyway) 9:51

Is tracking this just intellectualization and control?

Self Pity 9:52

Feeling Fear in the body forearms and legs (somatic) 9:53

Fear of being alone 9:55

Disconnection

Somatically in the chest/ribs now

9:56

Excitement; freedom

9:57

Sadness; I miss her ; self pity

Loneliness

———

10:01 agitation frustration

Guilt (feeling back in ribs )

10:02 resistance/ rebellion

10:03 fear like a free fall (partly somatic)

10:05 Dismissal/ sneering feeling in the face

Followed by fear of getting caught for thinking above

10:11 arrogance bravado

10:12 Followed by guilt

Frustration helplessness (rib cage)

Sadness 10:13 behind my heart in spine /in face crying muscles quiver

10:14 overwhelmed want to cry / pitiful /weak

10:15 acquiescence/ lightness / gratitude

10:16 humility?

10:17 dispossession (what’s mine is lost and gone)

————-

10:19 pausing to feel for 10 minutes. Feeling panic thinking about not writing to regulate.

10:33 deep fear and panic (somatically behind heart in rib cage )

Guilt panic

Clamoring 10:34

10:37 fear loss of sex privilege (upper chest clavicle )

10:42 annoyance

10:44 guilt

10;49 anger resistance rebellion

Shame

10:50 Feels like crying muscles quiver

11:02 boredom unsurety

11:04 Anxiety (somatic behind heart)

11:06 pausing for ten minutes to feel; telling myself that the feelings are allowed. Instructed to do this I do not want to. Resistance and fear, “what’s the point” “don’t do this” my mind says. I want to distract from it so badly

11:25 plotting and planning how to slow the process

Bargaining

Pleading

Fear of loneliness (behind the heart )

Guilt 11:26

11:27 separation anxiety (feels like the same anxiety as going up a roller coaster before it drops)

11:29 it’s not my job to rewrite the narrative in her head

Flailing grasping at straws

11:31 Want to distance from the feelings

11:32 fear telling kids panic

11:34 fear of disconnect from her /loss of control / powerlessness

11:36 need validation affirmation acknowledgement something . Fear of not being known

11:37 helplessness small

Restless

11:39 Resignation - it’s not my job to fix her or help her get better

11:40 Panic loss of control. This ship is sinking

Not sinking, sunk

11:41 pleading there must be something to do. Making plans (tense below shoulder blades)

11:43 Dismissal “just watch some porn you’ll feel better”

11:46 void like space not sad, just nothing. hollow like an empty room