If you're anything like me, once the divorce started, communication didn't improve. Long drawn out text battles, faux-legalese sounding emails, tit-for-tat responses, nit-picking, complaining out of the blue, general shit stirring. If you're also like me, these exchanges weren't exactly wins. Through all of that and having counseled many to try, these three rules have proved to be effective:

1. Slow Down Communications.

Define for yourself what constitutes a "true emergency" (i.e. child in danger or left alone) and for everything else, respond as slowly as you can. Part and parcel of this is picking a channel where you can turn off "read receipts" so you can review the communication without her knowing you've seen it. Along with read receipts are notifications (i.e. triggers), we check often enough that notifications aren't all that necessary for most channels.

If you usually respond in seconds, see what happens if it takes minutes. Minutes, hours. Hours, next day. Slow it down. Her triggering your response is her controlling you, trigging your stress responses, controlling what you're thinking about and how you're spending your time. Stop this.

2. Reduce Communication Channels.

Email only would be great, but not practical for all of us. So pick at least one channel, where real-time emergency communication is possible and block the rest. If you can't control the triggers, at least you can reduce them to a known, expected channel.

3. You Don't Need To Respond to Everything.

Yeah, it's tough not to respond when she says, "You've got a little dick and I fucked all your friends." (cr. Bill Burr) but really - which of her do her unprompted, one-sided communications actually require a response? "I'm calling the cops because you abused the kids." That may be something (well certainly should go to your lawyer). And there are varieties of lesser communications that we view (and which are) attacks against our behavior, our past, falsehoods, and we want to correct the record to, to, to ... for what? To her as though she will magically admit she's being disingenous and nasty? What purpose does it serve other than making sure she's knows she's still getting under her skin, still controlling you or whatever? None. None whatsoever, except in the rarest of cases. No matter how you respond, she'll still find a way for whatever you write to feed into her narrative of how you're an evil bastard who is 100% at fault. I know, I know - easier said than done ... so in that case let me recommend a response (delayed of course): "Disagree." Then after the inevitable barrage (and another delay by you). "Disagree."

If you can implement these rules for just 10% of communiations, I promise you the dynamic will change. You will be less stressed. She will be the one who is confused (and may temporarily escalate until she knows it won't work). And one weapon she has against you, will hurt you less or - best case - be turned against her.

Looking forward to other views and experiences!