I (37M) feel like I’m at a breaking point in my marriage and need outside perspective.

My wife and I have two young kids. I love my boys and care about my wife, but we’ve been stuck in the same cycle for years: something small happens, she reacts strongly, it escalates, things cool off, nothing actually changes, and then it repeats.

I’m not trying to start problems. I usually act based on what seems logical, but if it doesn’t align with what she thinks I should have done, it’s treated as wrong. It often feels like her perspective is the default and mine doesn’t really get considered. When I try to bring up how I feel—even minor things—it tends to get dismissed.

Recently, I went to Boston for Army drill and went out one night with friends (something I only do when traveling). This turned into accusations that I want to act single and don’t want to be home.

For context, I did have an affair last year that lasted a few days. I take responsibility for that and understand it broke trust. I’m not excusing it. At the same time, before that I felt emotionally pushed away for a long time and like nothing I did was enough.

Since then I’ve tried to show up better, but everything still feels filtered through suspicion, and the underlying dynamic hasn’t changed.

I’m also trying to figure out work. There aren’t real opportunities where we live (rural Maine), and staying here doesn’t feel financially sustainable long-term. Leaving could mean much better income and stability, but also less time with my kids.

So it feels like:

  • Stay and continue struggling
  • Or leave, improve my situation, but see my kids less

Is this kind of pattern fixable, or is this just what the relationship is now? And how do you decide when staying is doing more harm than leaving?

These are my words, lightly edited for clarity and flow with help from ChatGPT.