Hi fellas! I’m new to this group and going through a divorce I don’t want after 9 years together, and 6 years of being married. It’s been rough. Lots of emotions and stages of grief. She’s checked out and has been for some time.

What I’ve been noticing on a lot of posts and within myself is some form of the phrase, “we had good times” or “we were good at times.”

Hearing that from my wife, at least, has helped me to realize something. We shouldn’t accept “at times.”

Is marriage hard? Yes, absolutely it is. It takes nonstop work on both sides. But it shouldn’t be on autopilot and shouldn’t be okay to cruise in the “at times” mode. There’ll be rough patches but putting in the work, together, is the difference between a constant state of goodness (bc the work was put in when you recognized the stagnancy and problems beginning so as to not get to an “at times” level) and an “at times” marriage.

I hate where my wife is right now. I hate that we’re going through this but it’s a one sided road where she’s completely done. We’ve both done irrevocable damage but it’s fixable if both want to work at it. Unfortunately, she doesn’t and I have a giant hole in my heart and feel broken. I miss her. I miss us. I wish she’d talk to me and want to try harder. But, also, I know we had problems and disagreed with a lot of things as we grew in our personal and professional lives and circles.

For those reflecting on their divorces or looking to the future, those red flags of “at times” are when you need to engage and fix it early or get out to avoid future pain!