Emotionally just not getting better

Silverback-Gorilla34 · 2025-04-24T23:46:50+00:00

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. If the ex won't work with coparenting, is it possible to go back to the judge and say that it's not working because she's not being communicative, she is blocking your time with the kids, she is making decisions on her own when it's supposed to be 50/50, etc. I thought there was an app that is used when coparenting is difficult. If she is doing those things, I thought you could ask for more custody time in return.

When you feel up to it, try to start mending the issues with your family. They are your family, if you haven't committed something horrendous, they should eventually come around and be supportive. At the very least offer an olive branch and sit back. That's one thing you can do. Whether they accept/reciprocate is up to them but totally fine if they don't. Why? You did your part. that's all you can do.

I am also feeling lost and alone in the world right now. I am sharing a hotel room with another guy at work and feel alone even though he is in the room. Like we have our daily work life and stuff but not really up to sharing wth is happening in my life.

Music really helps me. Listening to Teddy Swims right now and his voice is so soulful, I get caught up on the music.

BornBandicoot2515 · 2025-04-24T20:57:41+00:00

I’m sorry you are struggling. I’m sorry that the 2 year journey is still one in which you are hoping for better. You have a tough hand, that’s for sure (2 kids, full time job with a lot of pressure, less than ideal X). I can empathize. One thing I try to do is see that things could also be materially worse. I have 2 kids (50/50 with my STBX), a high pressure job, terrible separation unfolding where the STBX was processing 9 months ahead of me and is actively (read: all the stuff you wouldn’t want to know) dating and seems like they are doing great. Moreover, she is a different person and IMO has backtracked on multiple points that were important to me during our separation (soon to be divorce). It sucks. I’m depressed, lonely and angry. I’m only 5 months into the separation but really it only feels like 1 (when she gleefully mentioned how she is banging a new guy).

Anyway, again, this is tough. I hold onto hope that things will be better in the next year. I concentrate on my kids bc I know the relationship I am building with them will be a lifelong one. Maybe my most important relationships.

I am lonely and I know you feel the same but again I hold onto hope that dating will be helpful (and more fruitful) in the future. I’ve been on the apps for about a month and yeah, it’s not great. Some matches. A few convos but no dates. So is the way. I’m hopeful that it will improve.

Do your best to double down on relationships and social connections. Stay busy (I’m sure you are given the life you note). Look for small wins. I hope to have some social things on the calendar to look forward to. Nothing yet but I’m committed to doing so in the next few months.

Read, go to therapy, improve yourself (whatever that means to you).

Do your best to take the high road. It’s been jarring but I’m trying to accept that I have no control over my STBX. So I try to do no contact and accept that I have no control over her or what she does. This is hard for me - I have concerns for my children and the impacts on them but this only makes me more determined to make my time with them the best I can.

It’s a long journey. I know that. I’ve accepted that. But we are strong. We will make it through. And if you can, pull out and look at the very big picture - things are not great but they could be worse. Keep your head up. You are doing a great job. Hard to know that but you are. You will be a better man for all of this.

Bulky-Percentage-243 · 2025-04-24T18:44:50+00:00

First, you're mourning. You have to keep that in mind that it's a path you can't step away from. Be kind to yourself. These things don't disappear suddenly. The best you can do is distraction. Otherwise it's just time.

I'm dating on the apps. It's been a mixed experience. I'm either finding women who are too dependent or too independent. Plus it's a bit of a false economy and paradox of choice where women get disproportional attention and don't really value any one connection. Attention spans are short. Squirrel! Some match for validation but not dating. The well is also a bit poisoned with ghosting, breadcrumbing, and just flat out rudeness.

But it is possible. And dating can serve as a distraction. I've found a few longer term relationships. One year-long. Two three-month long. Dating and not dating seem to have their own challenges. Being in a relationship brings instability for me in all honesty. And being outside of one brings loneliness. The between spot, looking for a relationship, brings a rollercoaster of disappointment. I shut down every once in a while, take my profile offline, and just take it easy. I've found a bit of peace in solitude.

I found friends after divorce in previous relationships - people I worked with stretching back a decade. All of those friendships are activity based. It's surfing. Gym. Mountain biking. Riding motorcycles. At most, it's a few hours each week. But that's enough. I threw myself into music and that brings its own rewards and challenges. Plateaus can be bummers. And 10,000 hours to master means barely moving forward each day. But it is forward progress.

I've also started donating blood. And I go to local parks with a book a lot and people watch. I live like a monk otherwise. No booze. I do 420 every once in a while on bad days. I've taken to prepping meals, keeping a pretty friggin awesome home, having plants, and just not dealing with the relationship stuff too much.

Look for light friendships in the people around you. It's incredible how many lonely people are out there.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2025-04-24T18:24:45+00:00

Hey dude - I hear you. There’s a lot of people in the same boat and I’ve come to accept this situation isn’t something you really ‘get over’. I’ve got just over 3 years left of child support payments and I can’t lie that I think things will be a lot better when that stops but who knows. 15 years is a long time and you can’t put your life on hold waiting that long. But 2 years is not long and I’m sure you’ll feel a little better as each year rolls by. I find that setting little goals and achieving them a big help but there isn’t a magic cure. As for dating I haven’t had any long term success but remain hopeful. Who knows where we’ll all be in 10 years time but having survived one of the most difficult things life can throw at you, I know I can pretty much handle anything life throws my way now which kinda makes me feel good. Self compassion is key so be kind to yourself at all times.

nightwillalwayswin · 2025-04-24T18:21:53+00:00

Take it day to day brother. Learn to take pleasure in the little things. Live in the present. Don’t focus on right / wrong of the past and realize everyone is living in their own world and living by their own narrative, including your ex and female relatives. You have to look out for you first and learn the art of not giving a fuck. Once you find your own internal happiness everything else will come together.

I say this a recovering nice guy people pleaser who used to live by the gold rule of “do unto others as you want done to yourself” and went through a lot of hard time coping with the fact that those expectations of others would only leave me disappointed, depressed and disconnected from people.

I’ll leave you a few quotes that help me:

“Let's suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream that you wanted to dream. And that you could, for example, have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time. Or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would, naturally as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could conceive. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each, you would say "Well, that was pretty great." But now let's have a surprise. Let's have a dream which isn't under control. Where something is gonna happen to me that I don't know what it's going to be. And you would dig that and come out of that and say "Wow, that was a close shave, wasn't it?" And then you would get more and more adventurous, and you would make further and further out gambles as to what you would dream. And finally, you would dream ... where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today.” Alan Watts

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” -Lao Tzu

Title	Emotionally just not getting better
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	9
Comments	5
Date	April 24, 2025 6:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1k6z0xo/emotionally_just_not_getting_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/emotionally-just-not-getting-better.1550531 https://theredarchive.com/post/1550531

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