I have searched the sub and read many posts and have noted some good advice here and there, but have come to the conclusion every situation is different so here is mine.

Washington state. No Fault. Wife asked for divorce on June 5th, 2026. Married 17 years, 2 kids. No DV, or cheating. "She doesn't love me anymore or have anything in common." We were separated for over 6 months and both had personal therapists as well as we attended couples therapy during the separation. I am 54M, Unemployed because stbx 42F wanted to be fulfilled and work, so I took over the house and kids. She also wanted to start her business and not be the sole provider so she expected me to also work part time which I tried for a bit. We have $250k left on our mortgage at 4% interest. Re-fi seems out of the question. House worth around $550-600k. The loan is in my name, but the deed has both our names. We want to keep our kids in the home/neighborhood if possible, but she only makes around $3k net per month right now and mortgage payment is $2k/month. We have her student loans, although I don't know how much and am asking her for that info. We owe my parents mid 5 figures which we borrowed so I can make money on investments and help keep paying bills. We want to do uncontested divorce with some mediation in order to lower the cost of the whole thing. I also have a pension with a <$200k lump sum and around $2k/month benefit once I am 65. I do have the possibility of living in my parent's cabin for virtually free, but it is 1000 miles away from my kids.

Questions:

  1. Does mediation work? Is it a viable path?
  2. I would like to protect my pension if possible, but don't see how that will work while also keeping the house and paying her loans
  3. She will likely not be able to pay much child support or spousal maintenance, so I will need to get a job. She will also likely need to grow her income more
  4. Do I give up the house and custody to keep my pension and move 1000 miles away and save money until I get my pension?
  5. We should probably sell the house, damn, we should probably sell the house
  6. Do I stall without looking like I am stalling since it will help financially to do so, or do I just file and get this thing moving forward?

I know none of you can give answers or advice of what I should do, but maybe some of you have been in a similar situation and might know what not to do.

I also know there are so many things I don't know. I have made some calculations about the Present Value of my pension based on what an actuary would do. I do know that if I compromise somewhere it should be spousal maintenance since child support can actually grow if her income grows, where as spousal maintenance can often get lower over time.

This situation is opposite most men, since most men are the main provider, but mine is a bit complicated with her being the main provider currently and me also having a pension from my 19 years of work. I just spewed a lot. I hope someone makes it through alive and has some thoughts.