Hi folks- got a long one here but I hope it can help anyone to see the positive in what are inherently difficult and painful decisions many of us had to make with our spouses.

After 11.5 years marriage (15 total) I decided to separate from my spouse. First, as with any ending marriage is always a two-way street with both parties contributing in some way - almost always never one-sided. It is important to take inventory of both your responsibility and your spouse. It is natural to do a post-mortem but as you do make sure to include self reflection in the analysis. My example:
Spouse:
- Completely emotionally closed off (more on this later)
- Refusal to evolve and grow emotionally
- Extremely low sex drive with no desire to explore/resolve
- A very poor communicator
- Avoidance of working through the difficult conversations that normally arise in a long term relationship
- Putting external priorities over our marriage/relationship
- Complacency with our relationship (she never thought I would leave)

Myself:
- Denial/dissonance of acknowledging our emotional/sexual incompatibility
- Wanting her to be something that she is not (Trying to change her)
- Handling stress and lack of emotional/physical needs in an unhealthy manner via alcohol
- Not fully understanding what she needed out of a relationship
- Not understanding how to best communicate with her
- Not recognizing that the ways I communicated my thoughts/frustrations were hurtful
- Deference to her doing most of the work around the house
- Towards the end avoidance and closed off behavior

It is good to go through this exercise to understand the real truth of how we got to this point. Once this is completed and when one feels ready, do the same for the positives of yourself and your spouse.

After I completed these lists I began to see real truths of our relationship from beginning to end, and how it all started to piece together. Upon reflection there were large and small revelations with many many "a ha" moments that began to coalesce into a larger picture. Acknowledging the pure truth- good, bad, indifferent - is the first step to acceptance.

If your situation was anything like mine there was a lot of crying, pain and frustration getting to this point - and that is 100% healthy and ok. Looking at hard truths and facing them head-on is the key to healing, growth and closure. You WILL need a support system, ideally a blend of family and friends to lean on. As men sometimes we can be hesitant to ask for help....advice: Do not do this. Raise your hand and ask for/accept help when it is offered. You will see quickly that your support system is not only willing to supply help, but is happy to be that support role for you. My relationships have grown even stronger over this process.

It's been 2.5 months since I notified my STBXW of our impending divorce, and 3 weeks since signing papers. Fortunately we were able to depart amicably from a legal perspective so this was a relatively easy process. If you are able to do this with your spouse I HIGHLY recommend it. If you are not, make it a priority to protect yourself and your family. Attorneys/Representation should be a LAST RESORT.

During this process you will likely experience some unexpected behavior from your spouse, particularly if you were the one to initiate the separation. For me this ranged from her telling me one thing and doing another, explaining the situation to family and friends with half-truths and/or fabrications to frame herself a victim, and general disingenuousness/blame due to her lack of emotional maturity and coping skills. All of these things I did not think she was capable of, and was initially upset and hurt by it. I tell this story for two main reasons:
1) Always document every conversation post divorce announcement. Any Texts, emails, and in-person/phone conversations with your spouse need to be stored and kept for reference. This will be useful for any potential disagreements, but also a record to reference should there be different interpretations of the truth.
2) Try not to take it personally. Do your best to understand why the other person is acting this way, and know it is likely temporary as they are acting out and/or not thinking as clearly as they normally would. If this behavior from your ex-spouse is more permanent it will go a long way toward validating/reinforcing that your decision to separate was the necessary and correct one.

Living alone again can and will likely be an significant adjustment. Lean into the tough feelings early and let yourself feel pain and sadness. It is necessary to allow yourself to grieve the loss for healthy acceptance and closure. When you are ready, make it a top priority to create a new routine that aligns with the current phase of your new life. Commitment to your new routine goes a long way toward feeling normalcy; it will open up your emotional capacity to experience hope and opportunity. As you stack days/weeks together with your new routine you will likely begin feeling things you haven't felt in a LONG time. For me it felt as if I was returning to my true self. Make sure to recognize and document this for yourself and celebrate those mental/emotional wins.

Final item: Regret/Grudge holding. Do not let these seep into your growth process. There is no changing the past, things happened for various reasons that you can see and cannot see. Recognizing the reasons and the whys during your post-mortem analysis will help you reflect and grow but NOT regret or blame. Grudges and regret only hurt the holder of these feelings and there is no upside to feeling these items. Reflect, grow and move forward.

I hope this helps some of you out there. Through embracing unvarnished, objective complete truth I was able to evolve and grow in a lasting, healthy manner. Happy to field any questions regarding my experience. Remember guys, look at your new life through the lens of "Windshield, not mirror".

Pain is temporary. Growth is forever. Good luck out there.